Scarlett

I know I'm a hopeless romantic but I'm also a lover of books so it all works out. Last night I finished the sequel to Gone with the Wind. I can't even begin to explain how much I loved it - except that it was 823 pages and I was desperately sad when it was over. It was a smile, a hug of the book and a deep, deep sigh......

But the reason I'm blogging about it - other than to encourage any fans of Scarlett O'Hara Hamilton Kennedy Butler to go out and read it - is that when I first read the reviews of a few folks they found it so unbelievable that this was the Scarlett of the earlier book. According to them she would NEVER have done the things she did in the book. And I say BLARNEY!!! Scarlett was 18, I think, to start the first book. I can't recall how many years pass but by the time the second book begins she's 30 and the new book chronicles those next 5-6 years.

When I first started reading the book, I was alarmed. I read the book in fourth grade and LOVED Scarlett. She was bull-headed and beautiful and strong and smart and loved business and was a hopeless (and I mean that word) romantic. I set my sites on growing up to be just like her. Except I didn't see then what I know now - she was horribly, dreadfully, painfully self-absorbed. She was horrible. And I started to sink in my seat. I've been getting billboard after billboard about this - my own favorite sin. I think God's been trying to stomp the wicked thing right out of me - my pride that is.

Anyway, so as not to give away the plot, I won't elaborate but the sequel follows her through some lifechanging experiences. Wonderful, beautiful experiences and painful and devastating ones as well. And by the time it's all over - she's not the Scarlett she once was. And my question is - who of us is the same at 35 that we were in our early 20's? To those nay-sayers that claim that the Scarlett of old could never compare, I shrug and say that is true. But life grows us up. Thank God, He doesn't leave us the way He finds us.

How vain that I compare myself to this monument of fiction!!! Not so much that but for asmuch as I'm NOT CRAZY - books have a way of creating a relationship. And I've loved her in that book - the good, the bad, and the ugly. No one EVER said that Scarlett wasn't messed up. She really really really was ALWAYS messed up. And so am I - still. But I'm ever so pleased that life has squeezed some of that out of me - as it did her.

I will hold onto this book because Daddy gave it Nana for a birthday because she loved that story. But I'm thinking maybe I need to get those plates from him. Nana has always loved Gone with the Wind. And it seems so have I......

A Weekend to Remember

As usual, I packed it all into one day. So here goes:

- I went to visit Nana. She was not good. And I didn't expect her to be any better. We talked. She even talked. Barely a whisper but she talked. When Aunt Becky and Uncle Dave got there she said, "It's so strange - dying." It was so sad hearing her say that. I know where she's going and I know she knows too. And God is going to do it in His perfect time - even though we don't understand why it's been so slow. So in my head it seemed like I shouldn't be sad. But Sunday I was feeling ridiculously sensitive and needy and it was because I'm so sad to see her slipping away.

- On my way south I stopped at a plant and vegetable stand. Delicious red tomatos, corn, blueberries. Yum. Beginning to change gears.

- Then I was off to Caralyn Reid's house to spend the afternoon with her and Ame Matuza. Wow. I can't even describe it. I walked into the home of a woman I hadn't seen in 19-20 years and felt at home. And Ame showed up and we sat around for 4 hours and talked like we had just gotten together for dinner just last week. Story after story. Ame's an amazing story teller - Twinkie and the "tit-mobile" at her monumental Breast Cancer Walk. And with a yearbook open stories present and past about those we graduated with. It was fantastic.

- Then dinner at Mom and Dad's.

Crammed in, eh? Sad, wonderful, and full of joy.

New job description

After 3 1/2 years as a radiology practice manager, I might just put in for a new job title - Crap tunnel. Some might think I'm complaining to request a title like that. And maybe 2 years ago it was a complaint. But now it's an opportunity to thank the One who is responsible for my attitude shift. I am indeed a crap tunnel. The doctors shoot it out and others sling it back, not AT me but through me - back and forth.

For the first two years, my tunnel was really ugly. I let lot of that poo stick inside me - I took it personally. But in another of the oxymorons of the Living God, I started giving in to Him and He started working on an career enhancement that I would have never thought possible - a silicone lining. And for the first time, being a poo tunnel wasn't something I was humiliated or upset about being. God worked something in me that I CLEARLY COULD NOT DO WITHOUT HIM. I remember an old co-worker Tom used to say, "Be a duck." Let things just roll off you. Well!! I never!!!! And that's the truth - I could NEVER. But what I can't do God can. I love my job and although there are times when I falter, He's shown me how to recover when I fall. And so, even then - no crappy build up:)

If I'm honest, this wasn't my life-long goal - in charge of little and with little decision making ability of my own. But I have absolutely no regrets and again - I love my job. Not for what it is but for what God's used it to do to me. AND allowed me to enjoy!

New Starts

Bob is starting his new office job today - with a positive attitude and an enthusiasm that is really encouraging. He's taken a winding road over the last years but with some prayer and determination, I think this will be the beginning of a new era. A time when his job is not who he is but something that he does so that he can enjoy the rest of his life.

I know that it's unlikely that this will be smooth sailing but that's okay. Bob will always prefer couch dwelling in the same way that I would prefer beach or pool dwelling to work but one thing that he said while we were Shelia's last time made all the difference.

Shelia: "How are you going to make sure this job is different?"
Bob: "I have to make the most of what I do outside of work. Do things that count."

Can't beat that for a strategy.

And he's not doing it alone - for the first time. He has the greatest power in the universe standing next to him. And the big JC has also blessed him with some great male friends who struggle with career as identity and can be support and vice versa. Michael is amazing and its just so awesome to see how comfortable Bob is with Michael and how they support one another in ways that I just cannot as a woman or even as his wife. I'm so grateful for that - and I'm sure he is even more so.... :)

Emotional

Today I had talks with two of the women in my life that often draw out what's eating me. Sheila and Marianne. After talking with Sheila this morning and Marianne at length this afternoon in a long overdue visit and pool chat, I think I realized what was eating me last weekend while I was riding high with joy. I couldn't figure out why I was so emotional. And after bursting into tears at least twice while I talked with Marianne, I had a thought. Sheila asked if Mom and Dad turning 60 was difficult. And really it didn't seem so. Of course, I was looking at very nearsightedly. Mom and Dad don't seem 60 so it doesn't seem as old as I thought 60 would be. However, with Nana in her final hour, maybe the whole concept of 60 to 70 being only 10 years is a little more overwhelming than I thought. Marianne pointed out that with her mom going home last year she and her sisters are now the oldest generation. Mom and Dad are soon going to be the oldest generation in our immediate family and I don't think I'm ready for that. And there's not a thing that I can do to slow down time and keep our family in this great place that we are enjoying at this very moment. And that was every moment that I lost it. When I couldn't control Bob, tiredness or the singing - I had a minor meltdown. And on the surface, it doesn't make sense that in this life full of love that brought me to tears on each of the two weekends that I would feel bad. But there is a lot going on right now that is difficult and sad and at least tough to process. So I think I'm okay with it right now - kind of letting it sink in.

Just as a little aside to some of the other things about Nana and Bob's dad and mom and dad getting older, I think one of the things that has me a little sad is that I love my sisters and their families. Not exactly a saddening thing on the outside. But at the heart of it, I wish there were more weekends like last one. I wish Carrie's family lived closer. I wish Emma and Hope were close enough that they could come spend the weekend with Aunt Dena and Uncle Bob. I wish Emily and Ray were closer too - so that going up there or coming down here wasn't such a production . And Mom and Dad and Bob and I could do a cheap dinner a night during the week. I'm grateful for what we have but sometimes, I just do some wishing.......

Inexpressible

And now it's the end of the weekend and I am far too tired to wax poetic. But I still want to get some things out while they are fresh.

- Mom and Dad were both overwhelmed. Mom said their ceremony was better than their original because she didn't remember a single thing their pastor said. This time she could appreciate every word. Lamar's message was receive each other as they are and release them to be all they can be. And years after their first vows, God is still compelling them to be more to each other for Christ's sake.

- It was so awesome to see how much mom and dad love each other - despite the bickering :).

- Our songs at their ceremony turned out awesome although none of us could look at them while we were singing.

- Carrie's cake was just beautiful and delicious too. It was a real hit.

- We got mom some flowers to hold and Emily and Carrie really hit the jackpot with some beautiful pink roses that looked just gorgeous this morning.

- Mom's friends from work and Aunt Becky and Uncle Dave and Helen and Robert and Uncle Bill were the perfect people to be there.

- I said one prayer on Thursday morning for good weather and put it in my faith jar and it was amazing. Hot enough to swim and sunny for a good part too. Pool water was only 74 but that didn't stop anyone - especially the kids :) Emma and Hope were purple:)

- More food than we needed - how unusual:)

- Newlywed game was sweet and fun. We were all the winners hearing their answers.

- Communion at Iron City this morning was a fitting end to our weekend.

- Not our best worship service but Carrie loved every second of it so somehow, it made it worth it.

- Carrie and Emily were awesome. I could not have done it without both of them and the cooperation and love of their families (especially Dan and Ray), it would have been absolutely impossible. Carrie's creativity was so great with the cake and the book and the frame. And both of them stepped up at the end when I was completely out of gas, and did a huge part of the clean up.

- Bob stepped up too. He was just awesome on Saturday. He was helping to set up with things that I hadn't even got to thinking about. And he began cleaning up when all of us were still numbed by the events of the day.

- Some mean games of cornhole were played. That game rocks.

- I love those those kids with all my heart. And I love my family. God has blessed the daylights out of us.

I was ridiculously emotional all this weekend - some of which was okay and at other times wasn't. Not sure if it was the intensity of the weekend or hormones but there were a few times when I was overwhelmed resulting in either frustration or tears.

That's all I have for now. I'm about as spent as I can remember being. In a good way. In a beautiful way.

PS - I figured out how to load my slideshow of the pictures onto the blog. If you want a bigger view then double click on the pictures. I didn't get the very best photos but they will do for now. Enjoy!

Overwhelmed by the past - in a good way

It's the middle of the night and my head is swimming with nostalgia from yesterday's journey through time. So I'm going to do some purging and try and lay back down so I get some rest for Part 2 of the 60/40 weekend!

- The house - It was overwhelming in so many ways. It's so amazing how "the woods" have grown in 20 years. Trees that were once seedlings have become trees of significance. Cleared areas are dark with growth. Time has moved on. And where once was a house that was loved and cared for is just a crumbling shell of its former glory. The memories were still there but little of the physical shell has been kept up at all. In an attempt to prevent myself from being judgemental I'll just say that loving that house to my parents meant taking care of it and the owners since that time have a different perspective.

As I walked up that driveway though, there was a moment when I was back there, making that walk up and down that driveway each day. Just around the bend from the stream as you look up to the hill - that's where it hit me that the thing we once griped about was the very same thing that I was loving at that very moment.

- The VanSnicks - I can't even express the joy in seeing them after 20 odd years and reliving some of the memories of growing up on Mamont Road. They were special folks then and they remain so now. And as Emily said, we grew up in their yard and house nearly as much as our own and their children are such a part of our past. And they are still living there and their grandchildren come to the house and are tasting the same elements of our childhood that we did - the stream, the vine, the woods. We could have spent hours reminiscing. We hugged when we arrived and we hugged when we left. These two people were special in our lives that in many ways seems surprising. Funny how 20 years built a love there that we might never have guessed. I suspect that mom and dad are feeling that way today too.

Mr. VanSnick turned 70 this year. Whoa. Still both of them look awesome but whoa. Robert is a VP CPA and Ellen a Phd in Ecology. Again whoa.

- The other places - Some have not changed at all. The high school for example. For all the years and growth, some things about it are just the same. That felt good. I like that some things didn't change. It was comforting.

- Gateway Drive - You know I don't ever think I recall seeing that house! How is that possible?

- Delmont - It's a cute little historic looking town. Who knew?

- Murrysville - You know 20 years of change has cycled parts back so that it doesn't look as different as it did even 10 years ago..... Or maybe it's me.

- King's - It was a fitting end for dinner and a great big sundae. Like we used to get at the one in Plum after church.

Purged for now. Now there is less in my brain to be shaking my head awake. I'll be posting photos with this later.

PS - The kids were all asleep somewhere before 11pm. It took awhile and some scolding but they were just needing to lie still for a few minutes to get there..... I probably have about 90 -120 minutes before they are back up...... :)

0 - 6 kids in 1 day

As I type this blog, six children lie in my livingroom desperate to calm down after an interesting day of firsts and a fun night of play in the yard. Molly, Sarah, Ben and Grace and Emma and Hope are fighting the noise of fireworks and the joy of cousin sleepover to get to sleep. It's still fairly early for me but for these little ones, it is late late late. I just hope they can get over it and fall asleep. If not, tomorrow is going to be a long day for everyone..... A little blip of a prayer goes up for all of them.

And for me too. Today was not easy for me since Bob kind of lost it and in the process, I lost it a little too. And because of that, I was upset that I lost focus on the importance of who this day was about - mom and dad. They had fun and that's what counts. I just really hope that I can restart tomorrow fresh and Bob can too.