Emotional

Today I had talks with two of the women in my life that often draw out what's eating me. Sheila and Marianne. After talking with Sheila this morning and Marianne at length this afternoon in a long overdue visit and pool chat, I think I realized what was eating me last weekend while I was riding high with joy. I couldn't figure out why I was so emotional. And after bursting into tears at least twice while I talked with Marianne, I had a thought. Sheila asked if Mom and Dad turning 60 was difficult. And really it didn't seem so. Of course, I was looking at very nearsightedly. Mom and Dad don't seem 60 so it doesn't seem as old as I thought 60 would be. However, with Nana in her final hour, maybe the whole concept of 60 to 70 being only 10 years is a little more overwhelming than I thought. Marianne pointed out that with her mom going home last year she and her sisters are now the oldest generation. Mom and Dad are soon going to be the oldest generation in our immediate family and I don't think I'm ready for that. And there's not a thing that I can do to slow down time and keep our family in this great place that we are enjoying at this very moment. And that was every moment that I lost it. When I couldn't control Bob, tiredness or the singing - I had a minor meltdown. And on the surface, it doesn't make sense that in this life full of love that brought me to tears on each of the two weekends that I would feel bad. But there is a lot going on right now that is difficult and sad and at least tough to process. So I think I'm okay with it right now - kind of letting it sink in.

Just as a little aside to some of the other things about Nana and Bob's dad and mom and dad getting older, I think one of the things that has me a little sad is that I love my sisters and their families. Not exactly a saddening thing on the outside. But at the heart of it, I wish there were more weekends like last one. I wish Carrie's family lived closer. I wish Emma and Hope were close enough that they could come spend the weekend with Aunt Dena and Uncle Bob. I wish Emily and Ray were closer too - so that going up there or coming down here wasn't such a production . And Mom and Dad and Bob and I could do a cheap dinner a night during the week. I'm grateful for what we have but sometimes, I just do some wishing.......

Weird dynamics

Right now I have restless mind syndrome. Common but a bit frustrated. Can't get to sleep. Thinking about lots of things.

One is that there's a certain someone - who will remain nameless - that puzzles me. I'm thinking that I'm puzzled because I don't know who I am when I'm around them. I like the person, admire and respect even. Like how they interact with others but when it comes to me, I am not sure how to take them. I'm not used to people not liking me but the me I turn into when I'm around this individual isn't very likable. I'm awkward and I feel like they bring out the worst in me. I feel competitive even though I'm not competing. I feel diminished and condescended to although I don't think that's the intention. So it cycles and I am worse the next time.

I need to pray about it. There's a thousand different lessons in it. And the fact that I'm not angry or resentful about it could mean that I'm starting to learn that you can practice agape love with folks that aren't your cup of tea. And with some prayer, I bet this "thing" goes away or at least becomes unnoticaeble. But for now it's on my mind.

Ups and Downs

I've had such a weird week. Like a roller coaster - a very emotional roller coaster.

- Biggest loser - In facilitating the contest, it didn't occur to me that I would become discouraged but as I lost WAY less than I'd hoped by the first weigh in, I realized this was going to be challenging to keep my focus on what I'd set out for. Health and feeling better not a number. But God is working on me. I'm getting there.

- Money - I had a very real reminder that God is in control and I should learn to trust Him. After a day crying several times about our finances, I came home to wonderful surprise sent by my mom and a gift directly from God. I got on my knees and thanked Him and confessed my lack of trust. Then I got on the phone and thanked my mom for letting God work through her.

- Friends - I spent the better part of the weekend dreading going to my friend's shower. Money and appearance being my two stressors were the two things I was focusing on until my ride there when God clearly told me that this was not about me. And after arriving, He took the reigns and I had a nice time. Good time even though it made me long for the close friendship of Susan again.

- Emotions - Up and down and frustrated and sad for the last handful of days. Hormones? Maybe. But definitely hard to keep giving the thing back to God. I just feel so tenuous.

So I continue to pray. And hold my tongue and keep myself from sobbing...... What a wreck. And I say that with a smile and a shaking of the head.

Nearer my God to Thee….

I know that no matter where I go, God is near. But there are certainly times in life that I am so focused that I hear Him, feel Him, know Him in everything. Sometimes these are joy-filled times and other times it is in difficulty. Right now I know He’s close because I feel Him in both so strongly. It’s in the midst of BOTH joy and challenge. There is both joy and sadness as Nana weakens and grows closer to her day of rest. There is joy in getting ready for Bob’s baptism and the celebration of God sealing Him for eternity. But also difficulty in watching Him work in Bob with his career. There is great joy in the conversations that both of these things are stimluating with mom and dad, my sisters and with Bob. It’s so great watching Bob play on the worship team and sharing Iron City Church with Missie and his mom and yet I still struggle with where exactly I fit in.

It’s continued to make me glaringly aware of the areas that I have retained control over in my life and excluded God from. My weight and my trouble with authority. I want Him to be behind every decision I make – be the authority. I’ve tried on my own and been unsuccessful. And in this there is both joy and struggle. I am so grateful that He makes all things new. I still struggle because of the discomfort. How this is going to work is still quite a mystery to me. But I’m continuing to pray.

Something funny

It occurred to me that there is a weird paradox in me. I am the kind of person that gets very emotional and then it's over. Have a short attention span for bad emotions like anger and sadness and hurt. But when it comes to most things in life, I don't give up. My attention span for working at things is very long. I don't give up easily on people or projects or ideas. Weird. Must be a God-thing since I don't see how one is connected to another. Thankful mostly for both. But still weird.

Real people

I've been slowly realizing something about myself lately. I have long had a problem with authority. I think a lot of it stems from my own insecurity. I don't like to be wrong because I don't like to disappoint people or feel stupid. It's not just work - lately it's been everywhere I turn. Something seems to have boiled up to the surface lately that clearly God wants me to think about and put into practice.

I react the way I do because I presume to think people are thinking less of me. I'm sure part of this is that God wants me to NOT be so insecure - but I'm not quite there yet. However, what seems to really help is finding a way to connect with them as just people. Real people are rarely out to get me or make me feel horrible or humiliate. Every time situations have gotten the best of me, I've been reminded that the people involved don't react that way because of me. They have their own agenda and it rarely involves me. It isn't all about me. And when I'm able to talk with people I've uncovered that their motives or frustrations or just decisions are their own and how they do things is a result of their own baggage, it helps. Sometimes talking with them about something completely personal helps resolve the issue I had trouble with - sometimes not. But at least by the time its all done, I've realized that it really wasn't anything about me.

Sometimes God must shake His head and smile that it takes me so long to get stuff he tells me...... :)