Anxiety

Another thing we talked about this week during Breaking Free was how arrogance or pride dethrones God. Anxiety does too. It supposes that God is NOT in control. It sees situations and problems as some potential disaster with no solution. It considers NONE of the power that Christ has in our lives or that God has a purpose for those situations that is growing or teaching or some other positive thing like refinement. It's actually not that far from arrogance. The arrogance of leaving God OUT of the picture of you life and supposing that it is something you have to deal with alone and in your own control. And THAT is horrifying when you aren't fully resting in faith.

Right now, for some crazy reason, we are dealing with a lot of difficulties that are really pushing us to faith that He has a plan - not to harm but to prosper. We have not fallen completely off the cliff but let's just say I'm seeing over the edge and it's a long way down and the footing isn't great. I am SOOOOOO much the anxious worrier. In the last 10 days I have found myself just overcome with anxiety on several occasions - possibly even constantly in the pit of my stomach. I don't know why more now than any other time but I seem less equipped to handle it. First Bob was consoling and then he even has panicked - which was an even bigger test for me. I'm praying more and asking for prayer. Praying for wisdom. Praying for peace. Crying out to Him that I know we made the bed we're in financially but we want very desperately to honor Him with our decisions and actions now. Ironically that was another big lesson I learned this week from bible study. God still listens when we're in the middle of reaping what we sow. I'm crying out to Him now. Please Father, lead us to the ways that will give you the glory that we didn't show you so long with finances. We are completely unable to do it without you. In Jesus Name, Amen.

My gifts

Just wanted to share something that occured to me while working on my homework this morning in Breaking Free. Those exact same things that for years I have felt like God blessed me with - organization, administration, some smarts, words, and even caring about people ARE EXACTLY the things that get me into trouble with pride and judgment and criticism. In working on the homework this first week I was struck by how many kings succumbed to pride. They got confused with God giving THEM things. They thought those things were theirs to keep. And when they kept them they spoiled. Grew rotten. So for me when I think that those things God blessed me with that make me DENA are mine, I turn them into pride and then judgment and criticism. Like when one of the doctors calls me and adds a bunch of things to a growing list that I feel is becoming overwhelming, my pride is damaged because I can't be superwoman - I can't be perfect. And so then I get judgmental and critical and defensive and anxious. God didn't give me those things because I earned them or because He likes me more. HE GAVE THEM TO ME SO HE COULD SHINE A LIGHT THROUGH THAT CRACKED CLAY POT!!!! They don't define me - THEY DEFINE HIM AND THEY WILL ALWAYS BE ENOUGH. I need to give those things back to Him so He can redeem them to His glory. Father God, forgive me for being so selfish with things you have given me and are doing in me.

Random thoughts

- We are getting hammered by snow. These are pictures from the first storm and we are in the midst of getting another 10 inches. Then we get a reprieve until the end of the weekend before another storm hits.

- I've had some remarkable email exchanges with Bob over the last few days. One followed an update email I got from Truth for Life. It specifically talked about reaching unbelievers with the Truth - sound doctrinal teaching. And I thought a lot about the disunity that I've experienced in the last 2 years. Some of it caused me pain because there were those at ICC that criticized churches that teach as "information without transformation." It made my history of relationship with Jesus feel insufficient and I did a lot of second guessing in the last few years. HOWEVER, I am realizing now that this is just one of the tools that Satan uses to create dissonance. It's subtle but really destructive. The churches that I've been part of ALL believed that they were reaching the unsaved - some used service and others used the Word of God. The churches that I have been part of ALL believed that the Holy Spirit was at work - but He works in MANY different ways. One church emphasized one thing, another a different thing and both churches contained folks that criticized the methodology of the others. That criticism is not from God on either side. There is no room for it. I don't think anyone or any church has a lock on the balance that God seeks for the church right now. Equal parts saving the lost and growing in the grace and knowledge of the Lord Jesus Christ with a good dose of worshipful praise and in depth analysis of the Word of Truth. I wish I would have had this kind of objective view of this while I was experiencing it. Would have prevented my disappointment and disillusionment. But He's teaching me and I'm grasping a little at a time.

- Another email was clarification of the David and Bathsheba story which was kind of funny. He read a part wrong (although I can understand why he thought it) and thought Bathsheba's mom was involved too. The story is dycfunctional enough :)!

- Our Beth Moore study, Breaking Free started last week. I read a post a few moments ago from my friend at Susanz Place (see blog to the left) that reinforces that what I've been feeling like God wants to work on me about is my judgmental and critical spirit. Oddly that isn't the source. It's the expectations I have of people and how they devolve into criticism. Ugh and ouch. I so don't want to be that person anymore and the only I hope I have is Jesus Christ. Pretty big rock to stand on. My hope is big - which is good because so is my problem.

Reflections from a weekend full of love

- Gracie was AWESOME. We had a blast and I will never forget what fun it was to spend time with the youngest Kimpton. We underestimate her. She was tremendous help all weekend - practically making all the lasagna, playing the computer to keep herself occupied, always remembering how to feed the pets or let out Buddy, scanning the groceries.

-Goofy conversation with Gracie at midnight to 2am while we drove home to the light of the full moon! So long since I was up at that time!


- She is capable of more than she probably gets to do because she's the youngest. I told Em she was born to be an only child :)

- "there were quite a lot of people in there" who says that at 6? :)

- I was so sad that she has such serious separation anxiety. In my typical fashion, I wanted to just fix it. But she was eventually okay going to Sunday school because a wonderful teacher stuck close to her.

- Finding the hot cocoa in the aisle was so fun! We bought the single packet and shared it after taking a shower and playing a game together in our pjs.

- She snuggled Gibson all under the covers when she went to bed and was sad that Buddy didn't join them too :)

- Emily and I had so much fun talking. Emily asked if I felt like when we got together - us or with Carrie or by herself with Mom if we practically ran out of breath saying all the things we don't get to say other times.

- Emily - "Are you going to at least put eyeliner on?" Ah yeah smarty, I just got up at oh-dark-thirty to work some before coming up to go with you to your dr's appt and thought I'd put it on in the car :)

- Laughed so many times. It was great seeing Sheri too - she's still as funny as ever.

- Awesome concert at Winter Jam 2010 - Third Day, Tenth Avenue North, Fireflight, Thousand Foot Krutch (can't believe my mom endured that one :)), Sidewalk Prophets, Robert Pierre, Revive. Just an excellent evening!

Only thing that would have made it better was having Carrie there. Good stuff. God stuff.