Goodbye Blog

After much thought and some prayer on this, I've decided to stop blogging. When I started it, I was very enthusiastic. I have always loved to write and to create an online journal made sense. However there is one piece of this that never worked - other people reading it. Don't get me wrong - I liked that and found it exciting and there is even a person I would never have met any other way. But it put limits on my writing that cramped this as a real outlet for my journalling. I am the first one to admit that I don't mind being fussed over and paid attention - not sure that's a good thing. I want people to like me. And unfortunately, this is a part of my life that I think is better to remain personal so my pride doesn't get out of whack. I've found myself returning to my hand written journal recently because my computer is better left to work related things. If I use the computer to journal the line gets pretty blurred. Simplicity - a spiritual discipline that I'm rather bad at. I will continue to read the blogs of others and maybe will someday return to it..... but at the moment this is an end to an era. I was also a little uneasy about losing track of all the writing I had done with it. Perhaps that is the old fashioned part of me that feels that if I can't touch it, it isn't real. SO!!! I've printed off my 100+ pages of blogged material to file away with the rest of my journalling volumes. Goodbye bloggy friends as a writer. This has been fun but it's back to basics for me.

Funny nostalgia.....

I was just thinking....Years and years ago when I was dating I had the hardest time. Bad things would happen in my relationships: deception, serial cheating, realizing the guy had no moral compass, "I just don't love you", etc., etc., etc. Ugly. And as smart as I claimed to be in other areas, I was like a dog with a rotten bone. I could never let go. I was thinking (while cutting the grass ;) that I so much wanted to do the smart thing but this part of me just couldn't let it go. I wanted to keep at it - keep trying. I hated it about myself and alternately talked about it like I was proud of it because I could never really figure that part of me out. I stuck around for stuff I should NEVER have put up with. And while I WOULD NOT recommend it and hope desperately that my nieces have a much greater sense of themselves in Christ, something occurred to me. But for all that stubborness and belief that things would get better if we tried harder, Bob and I would never have made it through the bad stuff. The exact thing that I look back with distaste on is the very preservative that God gave me to hang in there when things went south of ugly in my marriage. God is so very good.

Bob's Struggle with Becoming an Ex-smoker

So with the official break in the weather and God's amazing grace, my life has improved so dramatically over the last several weeks that it is beyond words. He broke the anxiety in half. He gave me the chance to heal by singing at Memorial Park. He gave us an awesome albeit short night at Nemacolin for a marriage seminar. He gave me a recommitted spirit to the Breaking Free study. He gave me the amazing gift of Bob's testimony on Easter. He gave me a wonderful weekend with Ben. This last month has been everything that the previous 6 plus weeks were not.

So after writing all that when I think about how God can work in both Bob and I while he quits smoking..... I guess we don't have much to worry about..... :)

Anxiety

Another thing we talked about this week during Breaking Free was how arrogance or pride dethrones God. Anxiety does too. It supposes that God is NOT in control. It sees situations and problems as some potential disaster with no solution. It considers NONE of the power that Christ has in our lives or that God has a purpose for those situations that is growing or teaching or some other positive thing like refinement. It's actually not that far from arrogance. The arrogance of leaving God OUT of the picture of you life and supposing that it is something you have to deal with alone and in your own control. And THAT is horrifying when you aren't fully resting in faith.

Right now, for some crazy reason, we are dealing with a lot of difficulties that are really pushing us to faith that He has a plan - not to harm but to prosper. We have not fallen completely off the cliff but let's just say I'm seeing over the edge and it's a long way down and the footing isn't great. I am SOOOOOO much the anxious worrier. In the last 10 days I have found myself just overcome with anxiety on several occasions - possibly even constantly in the pit of my stomach. I don't know why more now than any other time but I seem less equipped to handle it. First Bob was consoling and then he even has panicked - which was an even bigger test for me. I'm praying more and asking for prayer. Praying for wisdom. Praying for peace. Crying out to Him that I know we made the bed we're in financially but we want very desperately to honor Him with our decisions and actions now. Ironically that was another big lesson I learned this week from bible study. God still listens when we're in the middle of reaping what we sow. I'm crying out to Him now. Please Father, lead us to the ways that will give you the glory that we didn't show you so long with finances. We are completely unable to do it without you. In Jesus Name, Amen.

My gifts

Just wanted to share something that occured to me while working on my homework this morning in Breaking Free. Those exact same things that for years I have felt like God blessed me with - organization, administration, some smarts, words, and even caring about people ARE EXACTLY the things that get me into trouble with pride and judgment and criticism. In working on the homework this first week I was struck by how many kings succumbed to pride. They got confused with God giving THEM things. They thought those things were theirs to keep. And when they kept them they spoiled. Grew rotten. So for me when I think that those things God blessed me with that make me DENA are mine, I turn them into pride and then judgment and criticism. Like when one of the doctors calls me and adds a bunch of things to a growing list that I feel is becoming overwhelming, my pride is damaged because I can't be superwoman - I can't be perfect. And so then I get judgmental and critical and defensive and anxious. God didn't give me those things because I earned them or because He likes me more. HE GAVE THEM TO ME SO HE COULD SHINE A LIGHT THROUGH THAT CRACKED CLAY POT!!!! They don't define me - THEY DEFINE HIM AND THEY WILL ALWAYS BE ENOUGH. I need to give those things back to Him so He can redeem them to His glory. Father God, forgive me for being so selfish with things you have given me and are doing in me.

Random thoughts

- We are getting hammered by snow. These are pictures from the first storm and we are in the midst of getting another 10 inches. Then we get a reprieve until the end of the weekend before another storm hits.

- I've had some remarkable email exchanges with Bob over the last few days. One followed an update email I got from Truth for Life. It specifically talked about reaching unbelievers with the Truth - sound doctrinal teaching. And I thought a lot about the disunity that I've experienced in the last 2 years. Some of it caused me pain because there were those at ICC that criticized churches that teach as "information without transformation." It made my history of relationship with Jesus feel insufficient and I did a lot of second guessing in the last few years. HOWEVER, I am realizing now that this is just one of the tools that Satan uses to create dissonance. It's subtle but really destructive. The churches that I've been part of ALL believed that they were reaching the unsaved - some used service and others used the Word of God. The churches that I have been part of ALL believed that the Holy Spirit was at work - but He works in MANY different ways. One church emphasized one thing, another a different thing and both churches contained folks that criticized the methodology of the others. That criticism is not from God on either side. There is no room for it. I don't think anyone or any church has a lock on the balance that God seeks for the church right now. Equal parts saving the lost and growing in the grace and knowledge of the Lord Jesus Christ with a good dose of worshipful praise and in depth analysis of the Word of Truth. I wish I would have had this kind of objective view of this while I was experiencing it. Would have prevented my disappointment and disillusionment. But He's teaching me and I'm grasping a little at a time.

- Another email was clarification of the David and Bathsheba story which was kind of funny. He read a part wrong (although I can understand why he thought it) and thought Bathsheba's mom was involved too. The story is dycfunctional enough :)!

- Our Beth Moore study, Breaking Free started last week. I read a post a few moments ago from my friend at Susanz Place (see blog to the left) that reinforces that what I've been feeling like God wants to work on me about is my judgmental and critical spirit. Oddly that isn't the source. It's the expectations I have of people and how they devolve into criticism. Ugh and ouch. I so don't want to be that person anymore and the only I hope I have is Jesus Christ. Pretty big rock to stand on. My hope is big - which is good because so is my problem.

Reflections from a weekend full of love

- Gracie was AWESOME. We had a blast and I will never forget what fun it was to spend time with the youngest Kimpton. We underestimate her. She was tremendous help all weekend - practically making all the lasagna, playing the computer to keep herself occupied, always remembering how to feed the pets or let out Buddy, scanning the groceries.

-Goofy conversation with Gracie at midnight to 2am while we drove home to the light of the full moon! So long since I was up at that time!


- She is capable of more than she probably gets to do because she's the youngest. I told Em she was born to be an only child :)

- "there were quite a lot of people in there" who says that at 6? :)

- I was so sad that she has such serious separation anxiety. In my typical fashion, I wanted to just fix it. But she was eventually okay going to Sunday school because a wonderful teacher stuck close to her.

- Finding the hot cocoa in the aisle was so fun! We bought the single packet and shared it after taking a shower and playing a game together in our pjs.

- She snuggled Gibson all under the covers when she went to bed and was sad that Buddy didn't join them too :)

- Emily and I had so much fun talking. Emily asked if I felt like when we got together - us or with Carrie or by herself with Mom if we practically ran out of breath saying all the things we don't get to say other times.

- Emily - "Are you going to at least put eyeliner on?" Ah yeah smarty, I just got up at oh-dark-thirty to work some before coming up to go with you to your dr's appt and thought I'd put it on in the car :)

- Laughed so many times. It was great seeing Sheri too - she's still as funny as ever.

- Awesome concert at Winter Jam 2010 - Third Day, Tenth Avenue North, Fireflight, Thousand Foot Krutch (can't believe my mom endured that one :)), Sidewalk Prophets, Robert Pierre, Revive. Just an excellent evening!

Only thing that would have made it better was having Carrie there. Good stuff. God stuff.

A God Friend

There are good friends and best friends and family friends and sort of friends and great friends but there is something VERY special about a God friend. I'm sure I'm using my own definition for this so let me explain. Friends that didn't come about by proximity or age or a shared education or a person in common - but a friend that only God could deliver to your doorstep while your jaw dropped to the ground as you realized the amazing package He left there. A few of you reading this ARE God friends. People who stumbled on my blog by accident and I read yours and you read mine. Crazy.

Betty is like that. I work with Betty. And let me explain that because it's more complicated than that. I talk to Betty on the phone because she is the MRI tech that scans people in South Texas and my doctors in Boston and Miami read those cases for her boss, an orthopaedic surgeon. So I've never met Betty in person - probably never will. But one day, she said something about God or Jesus and although I cannot remember I'm sure it kind and warm and completely unashamed - because that is how Betty is. Sweetest soul I've never met :). I have been profoundly touched by her and her model for loving people is exceptional. And HER TOTAL COMMITMENT to sharing Christ in the workplace has changed me. Her encouragement has brought me to tears as one day she asked if we could pray for a coworker. And one day last year, she asked if we could pray right there over the phone for Joel and Mark - a thought that I'm ashamed to say had NEVER occured to me. She has changed me. God has spoken through her so many times I can't even count. I think of her outside of work and she inspires me at the craziest of times. And she's helped me learn that I can't separate my work from God. And she was there in my head when I told Mark I'd be praying for him with all the crises in his life - because I couldn't do anything else that I could think of that would mean so much.

And I will never meet her this side of eternity. But she has touched me and through her encouragement and mentorship, she was who God used to teach me and change me. WHAT A BLESSING!!! I will never get over that He loves me so much to do all of that for me.

An interesting week

So many feelings this week. All of them varying degrees of struggle. I nearly cried myself all through church on Sunday feeling overwhelmed with something that God was hinting to me. Last week at some point, I was overwhelmed to find out that a pastor whom I respect a great deal was diverging down a theological path that presented me with rethinking of 30-some years of teaching. Struggling with treating Gibson and Buddy fairly - letting them both know that I loved them. Found that the fish my mom gave me was injured and looked not so good. And Haiti has me wrought - I am in denial and I can't watch the news but I have thought so much about it in the last week my brain and heart hurt. Monday night I got the distinct impression that God has some specific plans in my greatest vulnerability. I don't know what that means but like Abraham, I'm saying yes. I don't know to what. Or where. Or how. Or who. But yes. I truly have no idea what it is. And I don't want to try and fake my way through an overblown spiritual experience so I'm not going to stare at it until it hatches. I'm just wanting to say yes.

My week got better. As with most things, the theological dilemma was less in reality than I had made it in my imaginations. Iron sharpened iron as Dad, Carrie, Emily and I all hashed through the information others graciously made available. I still feel like I am at a crossroads in so many ways and for the first time in my life, I'd like to close my eyes, take His arm and hum my way through the intersection until we get there. I do love you my Savior. I have no idea what you have in store but for the moment I have the greatest peace about going with you!

A New Family Member - Meet Buddy

This here is our new family member, Buddy. He is a chubby 8 year old beagle who needed a new home. A year ago his mom died of cancer and the husband was going to give him to the pound and move away to Germany with his son. His groomer adopted him. Something then happened that his groomer and her two kids moved in with her mother who already had two big dogs - one who didn't take to Buddy and picked on him relentlessly. He was attacked by a neighbor dog sometime in the spring too. Sad lot of things happened to this guy in the last year. And Missie got a Facebook notice that he needed a home and sent the plea to us. Worth a shot. And Bob wanted him. Wanted him to have a shot at being loved like Gibby. Wanted him to have a peaceful life. So now, unbenounced to him, Buddy has moved into the Hilton for dogs. With no kids, they get our love.

Much like everyone BUT Gibson in this house, he needs to go on a diet. But he seems very relaxed so far. Slept well. He's very stiff and arthritic but we'll be going on walks now to loosen him up.

Some things about both are alike. Fortunately, they both beg in the same way - staring longingly at you while you eat.... :)

Gibson seems fine for now. You'd never know apart from his whiter face that he's the older of the two but I hope we can love him well enough that this changes. Slim down and loved up. That's the goal. Oh and this non-aggressive dog seems fine with Kivrin. I hope that continues too. She appropriately feels no threat from Buddy....