My gifts

Just wanted to share something that occured to me while working on my homework this morning in Breaking Free. Those exact same things that for years I have felt like God blessed me with - organization, administration, some smarts, words, and even caring about people ARE EXACTLY the things that get me into trouble with pride and judgment and criticism. In working on the homework this first week I was struck by how many kings succumbed to pride. They got confused with God giving THEM things. They thought those things were theirs to keep. And when they kept them they spoiled. Grew rotten. So for me when I think that those things God blessed me with that make me DENA are mine, I turn them into pride and then judgment and criticism. Like when one of the doctors calls me and adds a bunch of things to a growing list that I feel is becoming overwhelming, my pride is damaged because I can't be superwoman - I can't be perfect. And so then I get judgmental and critical and defensive and anxious. God didn't give me those things because I earned them or because He likes me more. HE GAVE THEM TO ME SO HE COULD SHINE A LIGHT THROUGH THAT CRACKED CLAY POT!!!! They don't define me - THEY DEFINE HIM AND THEY WILL ALWAYS BE ENOUGH. I need to give those things back to Him so He can redeem them to His glory. Father God, forgive me for being so selfish with things you have given me and are doing in me.

My heart hurts, BUT GOD

Things still sting. I still feel like there is an emptiness. I'm very emotional.

BUT GOD, has bigger plans for us. I know this because, we went to Memorial Park last week and I loved worship like I haven't loved it in awhile. And both of us had very emotional reactions to the worship music. It was me and God and the words on that screen and that's all I needed in those moments and it's all I could offer Him.

We're in the waiting room and He's asking us to stay there for awhile. And part of me wants to cry for my broken heart and another part wants to defend but neither are what God wants. I feel like God wants us to wait and pray and pray some more. I know He has plans for both of us and I know He uses things like this in mighty ways. I just want to make sure I'm listening. Intently.

Kind of an Earthquake of Change

It's only been a bit less than a week and I don't even know where to begin. Bob resigned as worship leader last Sunday and I was in a verbal jousting match with a virtual stranger that end up skewering my vocals to the point it has me needing to take a break from singing so I can adjust.

Sounds simple until you factor in one part - God's people (including me and Bob) can royally (pun intended) screw up His plans. Let me just say that no one involved skirts fault in this - we all have our signature sins stamped all over it. No excuses but we were all up to our eyeballs in doing other things that some of the important stuff wasn't attended to. I've laughed at this over the last two years but ICC's sign, More Jesus Less Crap was what drew us. But it hadn't even launched then - so it was still true. Two years later, there's plenty of crap. God didn't design it as part of the church, we carried it in - on our shoes, in our purses, on our backs, when we walked in the door.

I'm tired over it but things are getting clearer. My schedule is actually absurdly free this week and so is Bob's. He took Friday off and I actually caught him reading a FICTION book out in the livingroom!!!! We both desperately needed the time off but would never have taken it to this degree.

So this morning we are going to check out another church. We'll probably check out a bunch of them over the course of the next couple of months. And then hopefully, God will have healed some broken hearts and some conversations will have taken place, and we'll go back to a place we feel like is home.

This week I was reminded that such a painful thing is part of how God grows us. And a good friend and a very wise woman sat across from me practically giddy with excitement about what God intended for us through such a painful experience. And I remembered that during one of the Beth Moore studies, I remembered learning about "Joy cometh in the morning." Such darkness - some of it even brought on by bad decisions and unfortunate choices and sinful actions that I chose - led to the night that was 2005. But joy came in the morning - it was all part of the path that led to ICC and a Subway in 2007. And I wished so desperately that I had known during that night that joy comes in the morning. And I wanted to remember. And until Thursday when I sat with my friend, I'd forgotten. Right now this hurts and there are regrets and disappointment but joy cometh in the morning, for me and Bob and ICC and everyone involved.

Why I Seek God

Things have changed over the last few years. I used to listen to tapes daily because I knew how easy it would be to just stop doing it and then life would get crazy. Now, I do it because I've literally watched how quickly my natural sinful self can revert back to zero parts Christ-like. I "knew" it before in my head. Now I've seen the cesspool of my own heart apart from God. Last week I didn't sit right down after this and have my quiet time with God. In fact, I didn't at all until Wednesday - nearly a week. And not a proper one until Friday. Ugh. And the results were that by Thursday what was coming out of me was sewage. I was frustrated with everyone, angry, critical, upset, overwhelmed. Then Friday I sat down and heard a word or two from God. And I got up feeling so loved that it still freaks me out a little. Father you are amazing.

Always a challenge

It seems like God loves to see us grow. I guess that isn't a big surprise and slowly, I'm learning to thank Him for those challenges.

I know how I react to challenges at work. When something comes up that I worry about whether I can accomplish or not, I panic and freak out. And yet even then, in those times at work when I've compartmentalized and forgot that God is in control there, He was kind enough to remind me that He is in control. And I survived every challenge and I'm slowly learning that He gives me those things so I can trust in Him and relax a bit - and the work gets done. Usually better than I expected. Sometimes I make God so small.

But in spite of learning this lesson at work, it has been hard to move the lesson over to all things church. It's almost like I have to learn these things in each part of my life before they stick. And since serving God within His church is a new thing for me, I HAVE LOTS OF LESSONS THAT NEED A'LEARNIN'!!!!! As we live out this holiday season, I am making a vow to give a lot more than I get. Not presents -half the time people can't even recall what we get them. I want to start the day with God giving him my answer to whatever He calls me. And I want to offer what I have to Him by giving kindness and effort to others. I've been learning I have a lot of work to do with that. I still live in my comfortable shell too much. Thus the fun lessons that He throws my way. Challenges to grow into the child that He knew from the start.

God sees the end

I was just reading my devotion for the early morning and something that wasn't even the point of it struck me. Because God doesn't see things in linear time, He sees His completed work in me. Now isn't now. It's who I become when He's finished. It's who I was to Him from the beginning.

He doesn't see the Dena that ignored Him when it came to relationships and sexuality.
He doesn't see the Dena that thought that going to church was optional or that I didn't need anyone's help to grow closer to Him.
He doesn't see the Dena that seeks comfort in food.
He doesn't see the the Dena that rolls her eyes at authority and criticism.

My amazing God sees the DONE Dena in the five foot seven and a half chunk of clay even though it really just looks like a lump to everyone else. Wonder what He sees.......

He's not finished with me yet. Praise God and Hallelujah - He's not finished with me yet.

A fresh start with a bit of pineapple

Today is a new day and thank you Lord for that. Yesterday I got VERY overwhelmed by life. No vacation, busy job, busier life, lots of stuff on the to do list. I emailed Bob mid-day and started to cry. Nothing he said changed it - he tried to be encouraging and help me remove some of the craziness that was freaking me out.

But a friend from church dropped by to provide some much needed reassurance and two additional smiling faces - one that was adorable and 17 months and one that was another good friend. I was reminded that we were getting a pool and that it was all going to work out okay with the deck and all.

And while I was grabbing some basil for my eager friend, I saw again that my sweet little garnish-size pineapple had been ripening. Bright yellow - at least on one side. So I picked it - in a rush, even a tizzy. And after my friends left, I cut it up and I took two delicious bites of a tiny fruit that I had invested three years in. I wasn't sad it was done - I lopped off the crown and was eager to get a new one started. Three years for two bites and it changed my night. Took me from frazzled to hopeful.

I know that life seems crazy right now but God has a plan. I am ridiculously impatient in the short term but in the long term, he's been changing my heart, making me wait things out so I can see his glorious plan. 10 years from unbelieving husband to godly man, worship leader and spiritual leader of our home. A lifetime of selfish behavior slowly pared a little at a time to more sharing and praying that I will become desperate for the lost. Arms length distance from letting God in all the rooms of my life - now opening and redecorating one door at a time. He can handle the little stuff. The day to day. Days like yesterday I somehow think he wants me to handle that. Nope.

I'm learning. A lot and then a little. And a little bit of pineapple was all it took to remind me.

Pool-less

I know it's silly to be sad over a pool. I know it's just a thing. No one was hurt, nothing other than the pool was damaged. But I am having a hard time with this. It was my consolation prize for no summer vacation. It was my happy thought when I thought about not getting a day off all summer. It was my reward after a day of work.

And with the pool water swooshed out security and comfort. This week I've been an anxious mess worrying about everything from the weeds in the lawn to the rust on the fence to the sag in the stone wall. Chang ching - Chang ching - Chang ching. Money. Costs a lot to replace one of these. And then there's the fact that everyone comes here for the pool. Saylor reunion next year, visits from family. Ugh. It just makes me so sad. I think it was THE thing that made me love this house.

We're getting a new one. Bob seems confident of that but typical me panics and must have right now.

So it's no wonder for the last two days I've been bombarded with reminders from GOD not to let my pool be the idol it apparently was. And DO NOT WORRY. Phil 4:6, 1 Peter 5:7, Matt 6:25-34. Another reminder that although I sometimes feel like I've come a long way, I am one mini-tidal wave from falling right down. Glad God loves me even in this disappointing state.

Loving IT!

The small group study I am leading right now is on Bill Hybel's book "Too Busy Not to Pray." It's encouraged me to take up journaling my prayers again and do something else that I haven't done in awhile - review my earlier prayers. It is truly amazing. Today, I read the prayer that I prayed on 12/25/2007 and it was astonishing the love that I gushed for God. Particularly interesting because I am having trouble right now in the adoration department of my prayer life. It was so genuine my wonder at where life had so recently been in comparison to where God was pointing us. I think right now I have to unlearn some things about my prayer life - something that has me checking off a box each day that I did it. I am such an organization freak that I think I lose some of the intensity of it because I'm just doing it - going through the motions. And as the song says, "Don't want to go through the motions, don't want to go one more day without your all consuming power inside of me. Don't want to spend my whole life asking, what if I had given everything, instead of going through the motions." So that is my prayer right now, whatever is holding me back, whatever I am doing or not doing in disobedience to God - please get rid of it!!! As I look back at my prayers for that day, I was begging for humility and obedience. He gave it. And so I beg for it even deeper. God give me what I am afraid to get.

Theological Consternation

Over the last years God has brought me to a church that wasn't my human choice. I had to surpress my knee jerk reaction and submit to the will of my Father. And it's no surprise that He knew best for me. Iron City Church has been an amazing place to grow closer to God. During these last 17 months, I have learned that some of the same things that I had learned to criticize were not what I thought and not what I'd been taught or what I thought I understood.

- Raising hands during worship was not born out of some hyper-spiritual, self-righteous need to be seen as uber-holy.
- Emotion is a form of worship that is wholly acceptable to God.
- Dying to self is not an attempt to be martyr-ish.
- Mission work is not just for missionaries and outreach is a command.
- A personal relationship with Jesus comes out of application of knowledge of Him. It takes both.
- Some apologetics are worth fighting over. Some are not.
- Faith alone in Christ alone is the truth and as basic as this is, people skew it but not because they are trying to taint Scripture and the Truth but because it is sometimes confusing.....
- Very few of the things that I learned about that were elsewhere occuring in the evangelical Christian world were motivated by what I thought.
- Much of the motivation I perceived came out of some disputes my parents had with other family about God and faith. And experience does not make truth.
- Questions on being saved are not just one sided.

Anyway. I've found those things to be true. But it makes me very sad that there's not been balance.

In my new church there is a discounting that the flock needs brought and then taught. I see that in Bob when he reads passages on his own. Small groups help when there is a Bible study involved. But it's not enough and there is a reason God has called some people to teach as well as evangelize. It's important when you are sending people out that they are equipped.

In my old church, there was a neglecting of the fellowship, outreach, and sharing of the gospel. Fellowship has been SOOO important. And not just for support. It's also been the greatest test of faith and patience EVER. And outreach and evangelism are uncomfortable because the enemy wants it not to happen - because GOD WANTS IT TO HAPPEN. And it's hard. And personally, if Tommy wasn't busting my butt over it, I'd still be thinking differently.

I don't know. Both of those pieces are SO CRITICAL to me today. Let me say this loud and clear, I have been saved since I can remeber and Jesus Christ has been my Savior since I was old enough to know what that meant. But I am the follower of Christ I am today BECAUSE OF BOTH PIECES. I was no less saved because I was an immature kid who didn't know HOW to submit myself completely to the power of the Holy Spirit. I am no "holy roller" now because I feel compelled to tell everyone I know on Facebook and even by standing out on McKnight Road that they should come to Iron City. I just know what kind of person Jesus has made me into and I can't hold it in anymore. I don't want to take off PTO days this summer to help with mission kids because I'm trying to be holier than thou!! I'm not!!! I'm still not even sure I like that idea. But I think God is pushing me to be less selfish with my time and that is because of ICC.

My wonderful friend Carrie just pointed out that the disciples were pretty much boneheads while Christ was with them. Idiots. Peter - the greatest and the least of them. They loved Christ and believed in him but they were not mature in their faith until years later..... I need to stop questioning when I was saved because of what people say or imply. I need to stop worrying about what people think of the new church I'm part of - if it's enough. I know right now that I am being obedient to God's direction. And He's the only one who matters. What a relief.....

Wow

Well, it's only been a little more than two weeks since my last post and I swear. I've had a world of things going on. Most of them spiritual - some dramatic outwardly and other all about the inside.

I hate to brief synopsis these things but they are so big that I fear that the overwhelm will make them go unmentioned altogether and that would make me sad and defeat the purpose of this as a spiritual growth chart. So - here goes:

- Last Beth Moore bible study, the group decided it was my turn to be loved on. We've been going around and being loving and affirming to one person. I was concerned that I'd focus too much on the opinions of others but after a long list of things that were decidedly NOT who I see myself as - like humble, approachable, modeling a tremendous love of God and His Word through my marriage, confident in myself, beautiful...... Well, it occured to me that this was my transformation. All these months, I've looked beaming with loving pride at the work that God was doing in Bob. Quite honestly, with more than a little envy that He was doing such great things in him. And after comments in the last weeks by Laura and Emily and others about me not being the person I see - whether physically or just me seeing myself as the person I used to be..... God's message came through loud and clear. I am not what I was. I have become a new creation too. And that person is not the arrogant, selfish, inconsiderate person that I was before. Oh - I still have my moments - being judgemental and insecure and all the drama that goes with that. But make no mistake, I am the person I am today because of the tremendous power of Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit in me. See? Just a little thing....

- Unleash and NewSpring Church - Anderson, SC - Um - I don't even know where to start. It was utterly overwhelming to be there at all. Bob and I traveled by van 12 1/2 hours to SC with our recently acquired church family. 3 vans. Close quarters. People from vastly different backgrounds. We lived through the trip down. I was sold on the energy I hoped it would bring to all of us to experience this together. When I saw the awesome lake house - I was really sold. It was awesome.

These were photos taken on my phone of the worship band playing in the Youth Center, where we were seated. That place was incredible. Like movie stadium seating and the screen rose out of the center of the stage when the pastor came on.

Off to NewSpring Church the next day. I can't begin to explain how powerful being part of the congregation was to me. I missed that total worship experience (not being up front leading) and - as expected - the music and the situation and God's endless love for both of us in bringing us there together - brought me to tears. By the time Bob was done with the first break out session he was smiling from ear to ear. And that was just planning the service. Jason, Bob and I got a mess of stuff from Lee McDerment's worship leading break out. Not technical things - worship leading principles to live by. God clearly was working on some of the flags I throw up with ICC. My biggest takeaway was that I need to submit to the authority of God, my pastor, my worship leader and my husband - without question. All of those positions report ultimately to God and so I have to show some faith and follow after these men in my life. In essence, by trusting them, I am showing a faith in God's plan for me. And it isn't exactly a shock that I have issues submitting to authority so this whole year of humbling of myself has led to this. I have to be willing to support my pastor in his calling from God. I have to be willing to support my husband and worship leader in his calling from God. I have Tommy's back. I have Bob's back. And when they ask me to do something, I will do it. If my dad ever reads this his eyes will bug out of his head and he will be asking, "Where the heck was that when you were MY problem!??" :)

Check these folks at NewSpring out www.newspring.cc. Their volunteers are completely off the hook!!! They had 350 volunteers there on a Thursday!! When we walked in about 100 people talked to you and welcomed you and cheered for us and talked to the guys about their Steeler's shirts (they were sure easy to id!!) In fact by the second main session, people had heard about the crazy folk who drove from Pittsburgh, PA. And their staff doesn't just work at church, Jesus Christ is working in them.....

- Perry Noble is an in-your-face, politically incorrect, "I'm a sinner too", "take what the Bible says or leave it cuz that's the way it is" kind of guy. Hmmmm - so is Tommy. I like that. I love it, in fact, and I think God does too. There's way more in common with the pastors of my youth than it first appears.

- The bonding that went on on Friday is beyond words. We sat together for 7 1/2 hours for a debriefing session and while it could have been long and tedious, it was beyond words. Powerful. Some people made some extremely important decisions that day. And I think we were all changed by what we saw God doing in all of our lives because of Iron City Church.

- God lead all of us to look at how we behaved with one another. Ouch. We all were a bit assaulted by how brutal we could be with each other. Thanks to the wisdom of a few people that shared what they felt like God was teaching them, we all had a chance to shine a bright light on some of the darker parts of our nature - like being critical and judgmental of each other, showing impatience rather than love. We're all going to try harder to be accountable to each other in our behavior rather than being a sounding board for our criticisms.....

That's a lot. A lot of growth. A lot of inspriration. A lot of revelation. A lot of God moving and working in our lives. And as usual - it isn't like it's a little movement. These were hang onto your hat, install hand railings size, register on the richter scale shakes. I love it. And the crazy thing is just a few weeks ago as my Esther study began, I was lamenting a perceived (and yet NOT REAL) distance from God. As always - be careful what you ask the God of the Universe for ..... :) He often gives it..... :)

Rumblings in My Soul

I've shared a few things that God has been doing lately. And so I have a record of it, I'm gonna share some more. I don't feel particularly contemplative at the moment but I feel like God is working on some things and I don't want to lose sight of them. So a list rather than a narrative will do just fine :)

- Forgiveness - I wrote a few posts ago about forgiving people in my past. I'll be blunt. This has to do with relationships with men in my past. My lack of forgiving them and myself has created some giant trust issues that I am dragging into my future. God is really working these things out in me. I have to forgive them and I have to forgive myself for not ending things before I lost part of myself.

- Self Image - I can't begin to tell you how big this one has been. I am not the person that I see myself as - not in the good and not in the bad. I need to spend some time gazing at myself through the glasses of Divine perspective and see what I come up with. And I think part of that will be loving some parts much more and other parts cringing over. And then the result - caring WAY less how other people see me.

- Listening - I feel like He might have been nudging me to do Bible study different this time. I was feeling like maybe this wasn't right - not anything with the group or the study but that it was time to look at things differently. But I dug my heels in - stubborn and a little selfish. And WAY less than faithful that God would take care of my spiritual needs. Fortunately, He doesn't run out of mercy. I'll finish out this study making sure I'm listening to His promptings.....

- Spiritual slumpiness - I can't believe I'm admitting this but I'm in a bit of a spiritual rut. I feel guilty even saying it. My life is right off the hanger charmed right now. I'm living my dream singing in a band that plays a concert to Jesus Christ Himself every week.... I'm meeting with Him in His Word each day and even talking with Bob about how He works in my life. But I'm feeling a little distant. A little unmoved. And I love me some strong emotions!!! I feel like I've been watching the movie of how God's moved in Bob's life and somehow find myself settling for something WAY less than the abundance that He promises. I'm sure it has something to do with humbly finding my place in the new world He's placed me in.

I guess there's something inside of me - like when your bones ache before it rains?? - that suspects that something is about to happen. And I wanted to get my feelings into words before the deluge!

Shellfish

Okay - it would be easier if I were going to blog about shellfish. But I'm not. It's a cute way of saying a really ugly word. I've got a lot of selfish behaviors to work on and the Holy Spirit is bringing them into some pretty bright and painfully clear lighting. A few items that have come to mind just since this morning:

- Praising God when you are frustrated and overwhelmed pushes selfishness aside.

- Asking God to bless you richly for the benefit of others around you and His glory is not selfish and doesn't even feel that way - in the least!

- Keeping pet sins in a corner of yourself is VERY SELFISH. I read a devotional passage today by Beth Moore that was EXTREMELY CONVICTING. It led to a sort of stream of consciousness revelation. Beth's devotional talked of a sin that she kept feeling bad about that had long ago been confessed. Her realization was some thing to the effect that repenting of sins because you feel bad because you know they are not God's will for you life is different from having real sorrow over the sin. I don't think I understand the Godly sorrow thing very well - and in fact, I've never believed it was part of out and out forgiveness. However, in reading this, I can think of a few sins in my life - past and present, where I know I'm confessing/ acknowledging/ rebounding out of pure ritual. And as I stood in front of of the mirror getting ready this morning, I realized that in confessing those sins, I was totally trying to manipulate God into forgiving me - playing a game that I thought I could win. And that is TOTALLY WRONG and COMPLETELY OFFBASE. As I look back, I realize that there were most certainly consequences to this. I might think He forgave me for the sin and let me start somewhat fresh, but He knew full well that my intentionality in continuing in selfish behaviors was bringing discipline into my life. And so it goes for some of the things I do now. All part of the selfishness that wants what I want no matter if it costs others or God.

Ahhh, the flinchy pain of conviction mixed with the joy of revelation......... I'm growing to love it. Really. Not kidding...... God knows that I am so excited for Him to keep on stomping the daylights out of my pride.