Theological Consternation

Over the last years God has brought me to a church that wasn't my human choice. I had to surpress my knee jerk reaction and submit to the will of my Father. And it's no surprise that He knew best for me. Iron City Church has been an amazing place to grow closer to God. During these last 17 months, I have learned that some of the same things that I had learned to criticize were not what I thought and not what I'd been taught or what I thought I understood.

- Raising hands during worship was not born out of some hyper-spiritual, self-righteous need to be seen as uber-holy.
- Emotion is a form of worship that is wholly acceptable to God.
- Dying to self is not an attempt to be martyr-ish.
- Mission work is not just for missionaries and outreach is a command.
- A personal relationship with Jesus comes out of application of knowledge of Him. It takes both.
- Some apologetics are worth fighting over. Some are not.
- Faith alone in Christ alone is the truth and as basic as this is, people skew it but not because they are trying to taint Scripture and the Truth but because it is sometimes confusing.....
- Very few of the things that I learned about that were elsewhere occuring in the evangelical Christian world were motivated by what I thought.
- Much of the motivation I perceived came out of some disputes my parents had with other family about God and faith. And experience does not make truth.
- Questions on being saved are not just one sided.

Anyway. I've found those things to be true. But it makes me very sad that there's not been balance.

In my new church there is a discounting that the flock needs brought and then taught. I see that in Bob when he reads passages on his own. Small groups help when there is a Bible study involved. But it's not enough and there is a reason God has called some people to teach as well as evangelize. It's important when you are sending people out that they are equipped.

In my old church, there was a neglecting of the fellowship, outreach, and sharing of the gospel. Fellowship has been SOOO important. And not just for support. It's also been the greatest test of faith and patience EVER. And outreach and evangelism are uncomfortable because the enemy wants it not to happen - because GOD WANTS IT TO HAPPEN. And it's hard. And personally, if Tommy wasn't busting my butt over it, I'd still be thinking differently.

I don't know. Both of those pieces are SO CRITICAL to me today. Let me say this loud and clear, I have been saved since I can remeber and Jesus Christ has been my Savior since I was old enough to know what that meant. But I am the follower of Christ I am today BECAUSE OF BOTH PIECES. I was no less saved because I was an immature kid who didn't know HOW to submit myself completely to the power of the Holy Spirit. I am no "holy roller" now because I feel compelled to tell everyone I know on Facebook and even by standing out on McKnight Road that they should come to Iron City. I just know what kind of person Jesus has made me into and I can't hold it in anymore. I don't want to take off PTO days this summer to help with mission kids because I'm trying to be holier than thou!! I'm not!!! I'm still not even sure I like that idea. But I think God is pushing me to be less selfish with my time and that is because of ICC.

My wonderful friend Carrie just pointed out that the disciples were pretty much boneheads while Christ was with them. Idiots. Peter - the greatest and the least of them. They loved Christ and believed in him but they were not mature in their faith until years later..... I need to stop questioning when I was saved because of what people say or imply. I need to stop worrying about what people think of the new church I'm part of - if it's enough. I know right now that I am being obedient to God's direction. And He's the only one who matters. What a relief.....

Wow

Well, it's only been a little more than two weeks since my last post and I swear. I've had a world of things going on. Most of them spiritual - some dramatic outwardly and other all about the inside.

I hate to brief synopsis these things but they are so big that I fear that the overwhelm will make them go unmentioned altogether and that would make me sad and defeat the purpose of this as a spiritual growth chart. So - here goes:

- Last Beth Moore bible study, the group decided it was my turn to be loved on. We've been going around and being loving and affirming to one person. I was concerned that I'd focus too much on the opinions of others but after a long list of things that were decidedly NOT who I see myself as - like humble, approachable, modeling a tremendous love of God and His Word through my marriage, confident in myself, beautiful...... Well, it occured to me that this was my transformation. All these months, I've looked beaming with loving pride at the work that God was doing in Bob. Quite honestly, with more than a little envy that He was doing such great things in him. And after comments in the last weeks by Laura and Emily and others about me not being the person I see - whether physically or just me seeing myself as the person I used to be..... God's message came through loud and clear. I am not what I was. I have become a new creation too. And that person is not the arrogant, selfish, inconsiderate person that I was before. Oh - I still have my moments - being judgemental and insecure and all the drama that goes with that. But make no mistake, I am the person I am today because of the tremendous power of Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit in me. See? Just a little thing....

- Unleash and NewSpring Church - Anderson, SC - Um - I don't even know where to start. It was utterly overwhelming to be there at all. Bob and I traveled by van 12 1/2 hours to SC with our recently acquired church family. 3 vans. Close quarters. People from vastly different backgrounds. We lived through the trip down. I was sold on the energy I hoped it would bring to all of us to experience this together. When I saw the awesome lake house - I was really sold. It was awesome.

These were photos taken on my phone of the worship band playing in the Youth Center, where we were seated. That place was incredible. Like movie stadium seating and the screen rose out of the center of the stage when the pastor came on.

Off to NewSpring Church the next day. I can't begin to explain how powerful being part of the congregation was to me. I missed that total worship experience (not being up front leading) and - as expected - the music and the situation and God's endless love for both of us in bringing us there together - brought me to tears. By the time Bob was done with the first break out session he was smiling from ear to ear. And that was just planning the service. Jason, Bob and I got a mess of stuff from Lee McDerment's worship leading break out. Not technical things - worship leading principles to live by. God clearly was working on some of the flags I throw up with ICC. My biggest takeaway was that I need to submit to the authority of God, my pastor, my worship leader and my husband - without question. All of those positions report ultimately to God and so I have to show some faith and follow after these men in my life. In essence, by trusting them, I am showing a faith in God's plan for me. And it isn't exactly a shock that I have issues submitting to authority so this whole year of humbling of myself has led to this. I have to be willing to support my pastor in his calling from God. I have to be willing to support my husband and worship leader in his calling from God. I have Tommy's back. I have Bob's back. And when they ask me to do something, I will do it. If my dad ever reads this his eyes will bug out of his head and he will be asking, "Where the heck was that when you were MY problem!??" :)

Check these folks at NewSpring out www.newspring.cc. Their volunteers are completely off the hook!!! They had 350 volunteers there on a Thursday!! When we walked in about 100 people talked to you and welcomed you and cheered for us and talked to the guys about their Steeler's shirts (they were sure easy to id!!) In fact by the second main session, people had heard about the crazy folk who drove from Pittsburgh, PA. And their staff doesn't just work at church, Jesus Christ is working in them.....

- Perry Noble is an in-your-face, politically incorrect, "I'm a sinner too", "take what the Bible says or leave it cuz that's the way it is" kind of guy. Hmmmm - so is Tommy. I like that. I love it, in fact, and I think God does too. There's way more in common with the pastors of my youth than it first appears.

- The bonding that went on on Friday is beyond words. We sat together for 7 1/2 hours for a debriefing session and while it could have been long and tedious, it was beyond words. Powerful. Some people made some extremely important decisions that day. And I think we were all changed by what we saw God doing in all of our lives because of Iron City Church.

- God lead all of us to look at how we behaved with one another. Ouch. We all were a bit assaulted by how brutal we could be with each other. Thanks to the wisdom of a few people that shared what they felt like God was teaching them, we all had a chance to shine a bright light on some of the darker parts of our nature - like being critical and judgmental of each other, showing impatience rather than love. We're all going to try harder to be accountable to each other in our behavior rather than being a sounding board for our criticisms.....

That's a lot. A lot of growth. A lot of inspriration. A lot of revelation. A lot of God moving and working in our lives. And as usual - it isn't like it's a little movement. These were hang onto your hat, install hand railings size, register on the richter scale shakes. I love it. And the crazy thing is just a few weeks ago as my Esther study began, I was lamenting a perceived (and yet NOT REAL) distance from God. As always - be careful what you ask the God of the Universe for ..... :) He often gives it..... :)

Trip to Indiana

I had a blast this weekend visiting my sister and her family in Indiana. And these two were the reason why. They are a blast. We played UNO about a hundred times and did all kinds of things! They are just very fun and I wish we lived closer. I'll share details soon but I just had to show this cutest of cute picture!

Message for Mom

Last week's Esther Bible study class was dedicated in large part to being a woman and since many women are moms there was a concentration on motherhood. Since I am not one, my thoughts went to my own mom. More poignantly appropriate since Esther was an orphan - a word that seems and is so dramatic and yet is really a word that describes my own mom since I was very young. I know she'd scoff at the reference and she's decidedly NOT dramatic about things. But she lost her mom before I was born and her dad before I was 10 - and she was young. But Mom had her own Mordecai :). During a time when her own parents were emotionally removed from her, Dad's parents - my Nana and Popi - stepped in to love her. And so when Mom's parents later passed away, those subsitute parents were already in place. What a blessing. Meeting Dad changed Mom's life profoundly. Much of what mom is as a woman and a mother are reflections of the love of Nana.

I began thinking very specifically of the things I am that are because of mom. I even talked to Carrie about it this weekend. I got a little mad at myself because it was so hard. Not because Mom didn't do a ton to show us that she loved us. She SO did. But because I'm not a mom and because my personality is often more like dad's it's harder to see. So I thought long. And I thought hard.

- I remember seeing mom talk to strangers often in lines at the store. Always a smile and always pleasant. And I can't tell you how many times I've done this and KNOWN that it was something I got from mom. Total strangers will ask me questions or ask my opinion. And I will happily give it to them and spend the next few minutes smiling because I know I just had a mom moment. I love that. It's like I have something about me that says, "Sure! I can help." And that's so completely mom. She could talk to anyone. And while dad is a salesman by profession, this isn't his comfort zone the way it is mom's. And I love that I have that of her.

- Cooking and cleaning are a reflection of love. Mom always kept the house neat and clean because she loved us enough to do that. It wasn't her favorite thing to do but it was how she showed us that we mattered. And I keep this up - because I believe it's true. I love my house and my husband and my life and so I clean and cook. Maybe less than she did - okay - a lot less :) but I've come to really love it and embrace it because I know why I do it.

- Kind of connected to the last one... I always thought of Daddy as the organized one but I've recently come to realize that my mother is and always has been a master of organization. The house, her work, our schedules, food, shopping, cleaning, everyone's every other needs, and on and on. And I like being that. I don't ever remember her scrambling at the last minute for anything and she had a LOT on her plate.

- Loving animals. This one is huge. It is the most natural thing in the world for me to love animals and this is my mother - 100%. Dogs, cats, birds, fish - even the wild animals that I've come to love over the years like dolphins and beautiful fish and even living things like plants and gardening. This SOOOO comes from my mother. And again - not that Daddy doesn't appreciate those things. Just that mom is so over the top so in love with living things that it is clearly from her that my appreciation for the other living things comes. She melts when anything alive is hurting. No holding back of emotions. That always spoke to the size of her heart. Things like birds and fish (or turtles crossing the road) even that could not snuggle or comfort - these things saw an outpouring of love from my mom.

- Gifts given to mom were always followed by oooooos and ohhhhhhs of delight. It didn't matter if it was the ugliest pot she'd ever seen. It didn't matter if it was a potholder that didn't look quite right. To mom, if it came from someone she loved, it was precious and treasured. I hope I'm like that. I can't be sure because I'm on the outside looking in. I know that if the nieces and nephews make me something, it is truly the best thing in the world.

I know that mom has had thoughts in the past that she was secondary to the people we became but I am happy to say that she is so much a part of the person I have become. Not just because of the above but because she created a safe and loving home where I could grow up to be the woman that God made me. Always knowing that I was loved was how mom worked. And I hope she sees that as the earthly foundation for our lives that made everything else possible.

Rumblings in My Soul

I've shared a few things that God has been doing lately. And so I have a record of it, I'm gonna share some more. I don't feel particularly contemplative at the moment but I feel like God is working on some things and I don't want to lose sight of them. So a list rather than a narrative will do just fine :)

- Forgiveness - I wrote a few posts ago about forgiving people in my past. I'll be blunt. This has to do with relationships with men in my past. My lack of forgiving them and myself has created some giant trust issues that I am dragging into my future. God is really working these things out in me. I have to forgive them and I have to forgive myself for not ending things before I lost part of myself.

- Self Image - I can't begin to tell you how big this one has been. I am not the person that I see myself as - not in the good and not in the bad. I need to spend some time gazing at myself through the glasses of Divine perspective and see what I come up with. And I think part of that will be loving some parts much more and other parts cringing over. And then the result - caring WAY less how other people see me.

- Listening - I feel like He might have been nudging me to do Bible study different this time. I was feeling like maybe this wasn't right - not anything with the group or the study but that it was time to look at things differently. But I dug my heels in - stubborn and a little selfish. And WAY less than faithful that God would take care of my spiritual needs. Fortunately, He doesn't run out of mercy. I'll finish out this study making sure I'm listening to His promptings.....

- Spiritual slumpiness - I can't believe I'm admitting this but I'm in a bit of a spiritual rut. I feel guilty even saying it. My life is right off the hanger charmed right now. I'm living my dream singing in a band that plays a concert to Jesus Christ Himself every week.... I'm meeting with Him in His Word each day and even talking with Bob about how He works in my life. But I'm feeling a little distant. A little unmoved. And I love me some strong emotions!!! I feel like I've been watching the movie of how God's moved in Bob's life and somehow find myself settling for something WAY less than the abundance that He promises. I'm sure it has something to do with humbly finding my place in the new world He's placed me in.

I guess there's something inside of me - like when your bones ache before it rains?? - that suspects that something is about to happen. And I wanted to get my feelings into words before the deluge!

Quitting

Wow. Just had to share this. It has been over 5 months since I quit smoking and two and a half since I had one that I hated. It occurred to me that 2009 might be the very first year in probably decades that I have not smoked. And it also hit me that I don't even miss it. It's something I did but never felt like I was..... I never FELT like a smoker. I felt like a non-smoker putting on a show......

Oh and by the way - I've "quit" the caffeine addiction too. Since the beginning of January I've had Diet Pepsi's on special occasions but I'm mostly done with that. Feels good!!

The Office Greenhouse Continued!!

Little more than 2 years ago, Bob and I came home from Hawaii and I was enamored with all things Hawaiian. I had heard once that if you lopped off the green of the pineapple, you could root it in dirt and start a plant of your own. So I did it. I think I tried one by throwing it into a big pot and when it rooted, I was surprised. I THINK this was start number two. Then I did some brief reading. Seems it takes like 3 years to get fruit to grow and the soil needs to have certain minerals, blah, blah, blah. I wasn't going to fuss. I potted it and repotted it and took it to work. I figured as long as it continued to sprout new leaves in the center I was good. Then Monday, I glanced over and WHAT DID MY WONDERING EYES TO SEE!!!! A colorful bloom popping up in the center!!!!!!!!!! I can barely contain myself!! I am so excited!! I am hoping that this blossom turns fruity!!! I'll keep taking care of it the way I was before. Pruning and watering and that's about it. And I'll keep you updated. A pineapple plant in winter. In Pennsylvania. Who'da thunk it??

A Healing Reminder

This week, I had a very nasty cold.

I slept under my desk at lunch on Monday and Tuesday - so that's bad.

Wednesday I gave up and stayed home to rest.

Wednesday night Pastor Tommy asked for any prayer requests for our big day Sunday and I mentioned my cold. I just want to sing my best on Sunday.

Thursday started out yucky.

Lunch was better as my boss suggested some medication that might work.

The afternoon saw marked improvement - I could breathe! Hallelujah!

After work I laid down to rest for a few minutes and wow! When I got up I felt like a million bucks!!

I thought, "Wow! That medicine's amazing."

Until I sat down at the computer and saw Tommy's email back asking how my cold was......

It was prayer not pills that made me feel better......

I love how God works.

Master Cleanse Update

Well, I made it all the way to Day 10!!! It was a very exciting accomplishment for me. During that time, I think God was working out some cleansing from the inside too as my earlier posts on forgiveness might have indicated. I know that it will be an ongoing effort but that was one of the clearest benefits from the cleanse. I am back to eating regular food and have decided how I will be changing my eating habits for the future as well. Unfortunately, I developed an ugly head cold on Sunday (the first day off the cleanse) and will need to wait to start my exercise program until my head is weighing slightly less than 10 tons..... I lost some weight while on it but I think I would be willing to do it regularly just for the energy boost that I got. Besides, what else will I do with all that syrup!!!!!! :)

City of Champions!

Today the city of Pittsburgh celebrates the 6th Super Bowl win of the beloved Pittsburgh Steelers with a parade where hundreds of thousands will spill into the street to cheer. We had a blast watching the game on Sunday and we are so proud of being part of the Steelers Nation. I don't know what it is - maybe being part of something bigger than we are. Going outside and yelling on Sunday night was greeted with yells back from neighbors in every direction, fireworks and general celebration. Work found last week and this filled with common conversations of pride for our Steelers.

I guess that's what I love so much about Iron City Church too. Being part of a bigger plan than our own. God's plan. God's purpose for His people here. People driven by the love of Jesus and committed to obeying His instructions. The humility of being a cog in a wheel that is making tracks - slower than we'd like but making tracks that have eternal consequences. It feels good. It feels right. Oh - sometimes it feels hard too but then, I guess that's been a life lesson - hard is usually good stuff.

Sunday is a big day for Iron City Church. Be praying for God to make some things happen!