Nearer my God to Thee….

I know that no matter where I go, God is near. But there are certainly times in life that I am so focused that I hear Him, feel Him, know Him in everything. Sometimes these are joy-filled times and other times it is in difficulty. Right now I know He’s close because I feel Him in both so strongly. It’s in the midst of BOTH joy and challenge. There is both joy and sadness as Nana weakens and grows closer to her day of rest. There is joy in getting ready for Bob’s baptism and the celebration of God sealing Him for eternity. But also difficulty in watching Him work in Bob with his career. There is great joy in the conversations that both of these things are stimluating with mom and dad, my sisters and with Bob. It’s so great watching Bob play on the worship team and sharing Iron City Church with Missie and his mom and yet I still struggle with where exactly I fit in.

It’s continued to make me glaringly aware of the areas that I have retained control over in my life and excluded God from. My weight and my trouble with authority. I want Him to be behind every decision I make – be the authority. I’ve tried on my own and been unsuccessful. And in this there is both joy and struggle. I am so grateful that He makes all things new. I still struggle because of the discomfort. How this is going to work is still quite a mystery to me. But I’m continuing to pray.

Something funny

It occurred to me that there is a weird paradox in me. I am the kind of person that gets very emotional and then it's over. Have a short attention span for bad emotions like anger and sadness and hurt. But when it comes to most things in life, I don't give up. My attention span for working at things is very long. I don't give up easily on people or projects or ideas. Weird. Must be a God-thing since I don't see how one is connected to another. Thankful mostly for both. But still weird.

And again with the sense of humor!

Dad sent the following last week and I thought it was classic :)


"I called Mom this morning and told her that I wouldn't be able to get up there and see her today because until I got up there and back from there for church that I wouldn't be able to spend any time with her. She still has her sense of humor - she told me that she would just have to give me a black eye and disown me. She then said she didn't expect me up every day and she knew that I had been up everyday for about six days straight and that she would see me tomorrow."

Strong families grow during times like this. And whatever is squeezed out under pressure is what is really there. So I guess that means we're a lot of love and a little laughter...... I can deal with that!

I HEAR YA!!!!

Do you ever get the impression that you are spiritually deaf? I do. And I sure do act like it sometimes too. I love control and God is placing situation after situation in front of my spiritually deaf self saying the following,

“Dena – okay. We’ll go over this one more time. You don’t get to control everything. You don’t get to understand everything and sometimes you need to shut your eyes and take my hand and just let it go. And in these particular cases – you have no choice. You either faithfully cede the control or you drown in a wave of overwhelm at things bigger than you…..”

I can’t control death. I can’t control other people – no matter how close to me they are. I’ve tried my own home remedies for weight and arrogance loss and both come bounding back into the room like the proverbial 500# gorilla in the room. Things I can’t control. Contentment in the state of affairs of my lack of control. Ahhh it’s like a boomerang. I want to bring all those things to Him and leave it for Him because I’m so tired and overwhelmed right now. But as my wonderfully wise friend Marianne said, that does not mean that I won’t turn around and find that I’ve picked it back up in some dreamlike state. I’ll be putting it back often. As I once learned with forgiveness, giving up control is decidedly NOT a one time thing for me. Again and again. Day after day. I keep having to give God the control back after I’ve returned to get it thinking, “Maybe He just wants me to do this and such….” And before I’ve prayed about it to check on that suspicion, that darn thing is strapped to my back again……

Father, I know that if I cry out, you will hear me. Put me where I need to be. Help me listen when you explain what role you have for me with Bob and Nana. I know that your plans for me are to prosper and not to harm me, plans for a hope and a future. So let me rest in those for my weight and what’s next and for the next moment when someone will make me feel stupid and I will be inclined to rear up and get defensive and arrogant. I believe that I am a treasure in a ugly old clay pot. Lead me Father.

In Christ,
Amen

Dad

When I asked Nana what her favorite memory of Dad was, she began by telling me about a memory of Popi. I know she was a little confused and at first that made me sad. But in the days since then, I have smiled about it. Some part of me reminded her so much of Daddy or maybe Aunt Becky, that was how she was thinking. I am honored by that. Both of them love deeply and intensely. And particularly in the recent days, I am blessed to be called a child of my father....

Real people

I've been slowly realizing something about myself lately. I have long had a problem with authority. I think a lot of it stems from my own insecurity. I don't like to be wrong because I don't like to disappoint people or feel stupid. It's not just work - lately it's been everywhere I turn. Something seems to have boiled up to the surface lately that clearly God wants me to think about and put into practice.

I react the way I do because I presume to think people are thinking less of me. I'm sure part of this is that God wants me to NOT be so insecure - but I'm not quite there yet. However, what seems to really help is finding a way to connect with them as just people. Real people are rarely out to get me or make me feel horrible or humiliate. Every time situations have gotten the best of me, I've been reminded that the people involved don't react that way because of me. They have their own agenda and it rarely involves me. It isn't all about me. And when I'm able to talk with people I've uncovered that their motives or frustrations or just decisions are their own and how they do things is a result of their own baggage, it helps. Sometimes talking with them about something completely personal helps resolve the issue I had trouble with - sometimes not. But at least by the time its all done, I've realized that it really wasn't anything about me.

Sometimes God must shake His head and smile that it takes me so long to get stuff he tells me...... :)

A Piece Fading...

My Christmas Cactus in it’s fruitful days

I don’t want to sound like I’m losing my mind or becoming obsessed or anything but I must share something that’s been happening over the last week. I can’t help but think God’s using it to prepare me.

About a year ago, Mom gave me this beautiful Christmas cactus. If I’m not mistaken, she has had it for awhile but was given it by Nana who insisted that she was killing it. For the last year, it has bloomed profusely. No kidding – for a few weeks in March/April and then since October it has not stopped blooming!!!

Maybe a month ago I notice that a piece of it had fallen off. I actually mentally blamed the cleaning crew – they surely must have bumped it because it was healthy as can be on the outside. Except for one thing - one of the shoots from the soil was starting to get a little woody looking. What would I know about it – looks fine to me! Besides there were still buds on it…..

Then about a week ago, I noticed mid-week that some of the branches were looking a little wilty. I got up and looked closer and the leaves (just on that part) were all dehydrated looking. It’s a succulent and it looked like all the juice was being sucked out. And the woody stem at the base – starting to get crispy. I was a bit heart-brokem. I’ve made sure to water it plenty in case this was due to something I did. But it’s not. I think it’s just dying.

Still blooming. Still buds. And the branches of the other one are all intermingled and sometimes I can almost forget that it’s dying. But it is. And sometime soon, I’ll have to take it out. And then the one that’s healthy will have more room to grow.

Anyway. It makes me a little sad. But I can’t dwell on that because I’ve so enjoyed it while it’s been with me…..

Makes me wonder at how nothing that God does is coincidence.

The Least of These

Some of the most endearing memories have been like my previous post about Emma. Hearing how the kids react to all of this is heart-breaking but amazing – especially if you don’t know if they’ll remember Nana. Here are a few of the others from the Kimpton kids.

Molly and Sarah
Emily shared this with me a last weekend. On Saturday, March 8, Northeast Ohio got hammered with a snowstorm. I was actually supposed to go up and see Nana but I was encouraged to stay home as it was going to be B-A-D. I think it turns out that they got 24 inches of snow around the nursing home and the Kimpton house south of it. Since Emily is the director of nursing at Blossom Hill, she started getting the phone calls from the facility that everyone was calling off due to the weather. Can’t have that. The people living there have needs and someone has to be there to meet them. So sometime that day, Emily packed up the girls and herself and made the trek up to the nursing home. As it turns out, they got snowed in and had to stay the night. Molly and Sarah helped when they could emptying garbage or whatever little things they could do. One of Emily’s nurses told her later that every 15 minutes – without fail – Molly would run back to Nana’s room and check on her. And if she was doing something she couldn’t get away from – she sent Sarah. Nana’s that important to them. The next morning they were going to leave Nana sleep instead of waking her up before they left for home. Em said she looked at Molly and she just knew she was about to cry. Em asked what was wrong. “I told Nana I’d make sure to say goodbye to her. But that’s okay, we can just go. I know she needs rest.”

Emily held her by the shoulders, “No – you go back there right now and give her a hug and say goodbye. Because you said you would.”

Ben
Nana told me this. When the Kimpton family came up together last week, Ben noticed how much Nana was coughing. On his own without anyone noticing, Ben took a cup and got a glass of water from the bathroom and brought it to Nana. Nana had been on thickened liquids but because she wanted Ben to know how much she appreciated it, she took a little sip and asked him to put it on her table. And he did. Some time passed and they were all talking and Nana began to cough again. And Ben grabbed the water and offered it again to Nana. He’s four for goodness sake. And what a compassionate heart he has.

I don't imagine this will be the last of the things but it's a start. This is touching all of us very deeply and the kids are no exception.

But I will miss her.....

I hope neither of my sisters minds that I am taking their stories. But like the last one, I don't want any of this stuff to be forgotten.

Carrie was talking to Emma and trying to explain what was happening with Nana. She asked, "So how long will it take for Nana to get better?"

"Well God can handle it one of two ways - He can make her better or He can take her home to be with Him. And His home is Heaven." Carrie said Emma sat quietly for a moment - thinking hard about what she'd said. Then she began to look concerned.

"But if she goes to heaven - I will MISS her......"
"I know. I will miss her too...."

A Sense of Humor

I hope you don't mind Em, but I don't want to forget this. Em's lost some weight and she is on course for a major life change for her health and her family's. I guess she was talking to Nana about it and Nana told her she has to send her a cell phone picture when she gets to her goal weight. :) How great was that?

After our visit on Saturday, I have to confess that I didn't realize what an awesome sense of humor Nana has. She had both of us cracking up a couple of times.

Maybe I'll post her picture on here. Wonder if you can read blogs from heaven :)????