Northway Girls

Dear ladies of my Beth Moore group,

It has been an amazing journey. In the three years that I have been with the group I have learned far more than what Beth meant to teach. In 2006, I had never been part of a church family and in the next year and a half, I desperately struggled with the good and the bad of close quarters with my royal family members in the studies.

.....I learned to love those that at first I did not love.
.....I learned to see and admit my own faults more readily because of others openess and seeing the same faults in them....
.....I learned to abandon myself to my relationship with Christ by the way these women did.
.....I learned to swallow my pride and accept the authority of the leaders that were placed with us because this was God's will.
.....I learned to love others so deeply that I can't even put it adequately into words.
.....I learned to share what I knew with gentleness and kindness - not defensiveness and frustration.
.....I learned that it's okay not to agree with everything and that some issues just aren't a big enough issue to tackle.
.....I learned that prayer is the most powerful tool we can use to help others.
.....I learned that I can't do this alone. I need people and in the same way, others need me. God designed for me to share - not stuff myself in a closet.

So I walked out the door of the church last night toward a different goal. I will be leading my own study at Iron City Church and developing that family closer to "home." Providing a place where women can come and learn and grow together like that at ICC. But I will try my darnedest to stay in touch with as many of them as possible because, quite honestly, I love them and I know each of them was a gift from heaven.

Thank you, Father for giving me the gift of them.

Daniel 1 and 2
Fruits of the Spirit
The Tabernacle
Psalm of the Ascents
Esther

The best seat in the house

Thank you so much for anyone who has taken time to pray for my friend. She and her family have been blessed over and over in the last nearly two weeks. People have stepped up and heard God calling them to be generous in spirit in some way and it has been truly beautiful. We are all growing in this. And watching has been a gift that God has honored me with. Keep praying!

A Month of Kimptons

So this month has been the month of the Kimptons. Sarah came the first weekend, then came Easter and last weekend was Molly and finally this weekend we have Ben and Grace. It has really been fun. Sarah and I had so much fun. We got to talk and act silly and do fun things and I just really loved spending time with her. She's a lot of fun. Then last weekend Molly came. We did a bunch of things together and had a lot of fun too. I was a little sad that she's growing up and getting a bit adolescent - trying to not act as silly, concerned about how to behave grown up and sometimes distant. I know kids go through that but it was a bit sad for me. I guess part of me doesn't want her to grow up. However, those moments were punctuated with some great fun. We talked and hiked and goofed off. And we had a great talk after church about our yuckier selfish and mean sides. We're headed off to the zoo this weekend and it should be great fun and our first weekend with summer like weather!! I'm sure there will be pictures to post!

Prayer request

Hmmm. All those times when I read other blogs and people asked for prayer that is veiled out of courtesy and confidentiality, come back around. I have a dear friend who is going through a monstrously difficult time. I can't really say more than that but please pray for her and her husband and her kids over the next month.

I am so proud to be part of our church as I've seen so many people rally around them out of love. In fact it occured to me that having a church family is not only an amazing blessing but an exercise in humility. It's a step that God puts in place to ensure that we fully realize that we CANNOT do it on our own. It takes the swallowing of the pride to accept help from people. I know it would be ridiculously hard for me. But once you accept help from God's children, you begin to understand that it's His way of holding you and filling you up.

Pray for her peace. Pray for her patience. Pray for her strength. Pray for her love. Pray for her children. Pray that God will turn this into a reversal of destiny that we can't even imagine.

Oh Jealousy!

I wish it weren't true but envy is sometimes a humongous problem for me. As I may have mentioned in the past, unfairness is some kind of trigger for me. Don't know why. Seems to be woven into the fabric of me. Yuck. Might have been a brief twinge in the last few years. Nothing significant. Then a few weeks ago, it reared its ugly head and I had to literally give myself a time out and pray about it. Last week was worse though. It was like some horrible dragon inside of me and I became jealous of someone I consider my friend. What kind of friend feels that way? Um - one that has her own lion's share of sin to deal with. I was bad. And I unleashed it on Bob and he was flat out disgusted by it - should have been too. It was hard to take that - but I deserved it. I should have gone to God when I first felt it brewing and I didn't. Instead I allowed myself to compose a lengthy list of reasons that it wasn't fair..... and it got pretty bad. There was a lot of scolding and lots of crying. I need that kind of reminder that I have plenty of my own sins.

Tommy often talks about Satan getting at us where we live during weeks when we're up to big stuff at ICC. And I often feel out of the line of fire. It wasn't coincidental that the enemy attacked during the week before Easter. And he attacked in a way that would have an outcome on Easter morning. Fortunately, Christ didn't win the moment but he won the battle and as a result, there was joy and love on Easter rather than jealousy and envy. Take that Satan. I have weakness but you don't own it. I am not ruled by sin.

Theological Consternation

Over the last years God has brought me to a church that wasn't my human choice. I had to surpress my knee jerk reaction and submit to the will of my Father. And it's no surprise that He knew best for me. Iron City Church has been an amazing place to grow closer to God. During these last 17 months, I have learned that some of the same things that I had learned to criticize were not what I thought and not what I'd been taught or what I thought I understood.

- Raising hands during worship was not born out of some hyper-spiritual, self-righteous need to be seen as uber-holy.
- Emotion is a form of worship that is wholly acceptable to God.
- Dying to self is not an attempt to be martyr-ish.
- Mission work is not just for missionaries and outreach is a command.
- A personal relationship with Jesus comes out of application of knowledge of Him. It takes both.
- Some apologetics are worth fighting over. Some are not.
- Faith alone in Christ alone is the truth and as basic as this is, people skew it but not because they are trying to taint Scripture and the Truth but because it is sometimes confusing.....
- Very few of the things that I learned about that were elsewhere occuring in the evangelical Christian world were motivated by what I thought.
- Much of the motivation I perceived came out of some disputes my parents had with other family about God and faith. And experience does not make truth.
- Questions on being saved are not just one sided.

Anyway. I've found those things to be true. But it makes me very sad that there's not been balance.

In my new church there is a discounting that the flock needs brought and then taught. I see that in Bob when he reads passages on his own. Small groups help when there is a Bible study involved. But it's not enough and there is a reason God has called some people to teach as well as evangelize. It's important when you are sending people out that they are equipped.

In my old church, there was a neglecting of the fellowship, outreach, and sharing of the gospel. Fellowship has been SOOO important. And not just for support. It's also been the greatest test of faith and patience EVER. And outreach and evangelism are uncomfortable because the enemy wants it not to happen - because GOD WANTS IT TO HAPPEN. And it's hard. And personally, if Tommy wasn't busting my butt over it, I'd still be thinking differently.

I don't know. Both of those pieces are SO CRITICAL to me today. Let me say this loud and clear, I have been saved since I can remeber and Jesus Christ has been my Savior since I was old enough to know what that meant. But I am the follower of Christ I am today BECAUSE OF BOTH PIECES. I was no less saved because I was an immature kid who didn't know HOW to submit myself completely to the power of the Holy Spirit. I am no "holy roller" now because I feel compelled to tell everyone I know on Facebook and even by standing out on McKnight Road that they should come to Iron City. I just know what kind of person Jesus has made me into and I can't hold it in anymore. I don't want to take off PTO days this summer to help with mission kids because I'm trying to be holier than thou!! I'm not!!! I'm still not even sure I like that idea. But I think God is pushing me to be less selfish with my time and that is because of ICC.

My wonderful friend Carrie just pointed out that the disciples were pretty much boneheads while Christ was with them. Idiots. Peter - the greatest and the least of them. They loved Christ and believed in him but they were not mature in their faith until years later..... I need to stop questioning when I was saved because of what people say or imply. I need to stop worrying about what people think of the new church I'm part of - if it's enough. I know right now that I am being obedient to God's direction. And He's the only one who matters. What a relief.....

Wow

Well, it's only been a little more than two weeks since my last post and I swear. I've had a world of things going on. Most of them spiritual - some dramatic outwardly and other all about the inside.

I hate to brief synopsis these things but they are so big that I fear that the overwhelm will make them go unmentioned altogether and that would make me sad and defeat the purpose of this as a spiritual growth chart. So - here goes:

- Last Beth Moore bible study, the group decided it was my turn to be loved on. We've been going around and being loving and affirming to one person. I was concerned that I'd focus too much on the opinions of others but after a long list of things that were decidedly NOT who I see myself as - like humble, approachable, modeling a tremendous love of God and His Word through my marriage, confident in myself, beautiful...... Well, it occured to me that this was my transformation. All these months, I've looked beaming with loving pride at the work that God was doing in Bob. Quite honestly, with more than a little envy that He was doing such great things in him. And after comments in the last weeks by Laura and Emily and others about me not being the person I see - whether physically or just me seeing myself as the person I used to be..... God's message came through loud and clear. I am not what I was. I have become a new creation too. And that person is not the arrogant, selfish, inconsiderate person that I was before. Oh - I still have my moments - being judgemental and insecure and all the drama that goes with that. But make no mistake, I am the person I am today because of the tremendous power of Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit in me. See? Just a little thing....

- Unleash and NewSpring Church - Anderson, SC - Um - I don't even know where to start. It was utterly overwhelming to be there at all. Bob and I traveled by van 12 1/2 hours to SC with our recently acquired church family. 3 vans. Close quarters. People from vastly different backgrounds. We lived through the trip down. I was sold on the energy I hoped it would bring to all of us to experience this together. When I saw the awesome lake house - I was really sold. It was awesome.

These were photos taken on my phone of the worship band playing in the Youth Center, where we were seated. That place was incredible. Like movie stadium seating and the screen rose out of the center of the stage when the pastor came on.

Off to NewSpring Church the next day. I can't begin to explain how powerful being part of the congregation was to me. I missed that total worship experience (not being up front leading) and - as expected - the music and the situation and God's endless love for both of us in bringing us there together - brought me to tears. By the time Bob was done with the first break out session he was smiling from ear to ear. And that was just planning the service. Jason, Bob and I got a mess of stuff from Lee McDerment's worship leading break out. Not technical things - worship leading principles to live by. God clearly was working on some of the flags I throw up with ICC. My biggest takeaway was that I need to submit to the authority of God, my pastor, my worship leader and my husband - without question. All of those positions report ultimately to God and so I have to show some faith and follow after these men in my life. In essence, by trusting them, I am showing a faith in God's plan for me. And it isn't exactly a shock that I have issues submitting to authority so this whole year of humbling of myself has led to this. I have to be willing to support my pastor in his calling from God. I have to be willing to support my husband and worship leader in his calling from God. I have Tommy's back. I have Bob's back. And when they ask me to do something, I will do it. If my dad ever reads this his eyes will bug out of his head and he will be asking, "Where the heck was that when you were MY problem!??" :)

Check these folks at NewSpring out www.newspring.cc. Their volunteers are completely off the hook!!! They had 350 volunteers there on a Thursday!! When we walked in about 100 people talked to you and welcomed you and cheered for us and talked to the guys about their Steeler's shirts (they were sure easy to id!!) In fact by the second main session, people had heard about the crazy folk who drove from Pittsburgh, PA. And their staff doesn't just work at church, Jesus Christ is working in them.....

- Perry Noble is an in-your-face, politically incorrect, "I'm a sinner too", "take what the Bible says or leave it cuz that's the way it is" kind of guy. Hmmmm - so is Tommy. I like that. I love it, in fact, and I think God does too. There's way more in common with the pastors of my youth than it first appears.

- The bonding that went on on Friday is beyond words. We sat together for 7 1/2 hours for a debriefing session and while it could have been long and tedious, it was beyond words. Powerful. Some people made some extremely important decisions that day. And I think we were all changed by what we saw God doing in all of our lives because of Iron City Church.

- God lead all of us to look at how we behaved with one another. Ouch. We all were a bit assaulted by how brutal we could be with each other. Thanks to the wisdom of a few people that shared what they felt like God was teaching them, we all had a chance to shine a bright light on some of the darker parts of our nature - like being critical and judgmental of each other, showing impatience rather than love. We're all going to try harder to be accountable to each other in our behavior rather than being a sounding board for our criticisms.....

That's a lot. A lot of growth. A lot of inspriration. A lot of revelation. A lot of God moving and working in our lives. And as usual - it isn't like it's a little movement. These were hang onto your hat, install hand railings size, register on the richter scale shakes. I love it. And the crazy thing is just a few weeks ago as my Esther study began, I was lamenting a perceived (and yet NOT REAL) distance from God. As always - be careful what you ask the God of the Universe for ..... :) He often gives it..... :)

Trip to Indiana

I had a blast this weekend visiting my sister and her family in Indiana. And these two were the reason why. They are a blast. We played UNO about a hundred times and did all kinds of things! They are just very fun and I wish we lived closer. I'll share details soon but I just had to show this cutest of cute picture!

Message for Mom

Last week's Esther Bible study class was dedicated in large part to being a woman and since many women are moms there was a concentration on motherhood. Since I am not one, my thoughts went to my own mom. More poignantly appropriate since Esther was an orphan - a word that seems and is so dramatic and yet is really a word that describes my own mom since I was very young. I know she'd scoff at the reference and she's decidedly NOT dramatic about things. But she lost her mom before I was born and her dad before I was 10 - and she was young. But Mom had her own Mordecai :). During a time when her own parents were emotionally removed from her, Dad's parents - my Nana and Popi - stepped in to love her. And so when Mom's parents later passed away, those subsitute parents were already in place. What a blessing. Meeting Dad changed Mom's life profoundly. Much of what mom is as a woman and a mother are reflections of the love of Nana.

I began thinking very specifically of the things I am that are because of mom. I even talked to Carrie about it this weekend. I got a little mad at myself because it was so hard. Not because Mom didn't do a ton to show us that she loved us. She SO did. But because I'm not a mom and because my personality is often more like dad's it's harder to see. So I thought long. And I thought hard.

- I remember seeing mom talk to strangers often in lines at the store. Always a smile and always pleasant. And I can't tell you how many times I've done this and KNOWN that it was something I got from mom. Total strangers will ask me questions or ask my opinion. And I will happily give it to them and spend the next few minutes smiling because I know I just had a mom moment. I love that. It's like I have something about me that says, "Sure! I can help." And that's so completely mom. She could talk to anyone. And while dad is a salesman by profession, this isn't his comfort zone the way it is mom's. And I love that I have that of her.

- Cooking and cleaning are a reflection of love. Mom always kept the house neat and clean because she loved us enough to do that. It wasn't her favorite thing to do but it was how she showed us that we mattered. And I keep this up - because I believe it's true. I love my house and my husband and my life and so I clean and cook. Maybe less than she did - okay - a lot less :) but I've come to really love it and embrace it because I know why I do it.

- Kind of connected to the last one... I always thought of Daddy as the organized one but I've recently come to realize that my mother is and always has been a master of organization. The house, her work, our schedules, food, shopping, cleaning, everyone's every other needs, and on and on. And I like being that. I don't ever remember her scrambling at the last minute for anything and she had a LOT on her plate.

- Loving animals. This one is huge. It is the most natural thing in the world for me to love animals and this is my mother - 100%. Dogs, cats, birds, fish - even the wild animals that I've come to love over the years like dolphins and beautiful fish and even living things like plants and gardening. This SOOOO comes from my mother. And again - not that Daddy doesn't appreciate those things. Just that mom is so over the top so in love with living things that it is clearly from her that my appreciation for the other living things comes. She melts when anything alive is hurting. No holding back of emotions. That always spoke to the size of her heart. Things like birds and fish (or turtles crossing the road) even that could not snuggle or comfort - these things saw an outpouring of love from my mom.

- Gifts given to mom were always followed by oooooos and ohhhhhhs of delight. It didn't matter if it was the ugliest pot she'd ever seen. It didn't matter if it was a potholder that didn't look quite right. To mom, if it came from someone she loved, it was precious and treasured. I hope I'm like that. I can't be sure because I'm on the outside looking in. I know that if the nieces and nephews make me something, it is truly the best thing in the world.

I know that mom has had thoughts in the past that she was secondary to the people we became but I am happy to say that she is so much a part of the person I have become. Not just because of the above but because she created a safe and loving home where I could grow up to be the woman that God made me. Always knowing that I was loved was how mom worked. And I hope she sees that as the earthly foundation for our lives that made everything else possible.

Rumblings in My Soul

I've shared a few things that God has been doing lately. And so I have a record of it, I'm gonna share some more. I don't feel particularly contemplative at the moment but I feel like God is working on some things and I don't want to lose sight of them. So a list rather than a narrative will do just fine :)

- Forgiveness - I wrote a few posts ago about forgiving people in my past. I'll be blunt. This has to do with relationships with men in my past. My lack of forgiving them and myself has created some giant trust issues that I am dragging into my future. God is really working these things out in me. I have to forgive them and I have to forgive myself for not ending things before I lost part of myself.

- Self Image - I can't begin to tell you how big this one has been. I am not the person that I see myself as - not in the good and not in the bad. I need to spend some time gazing at myself through the glasses of Divine perspective and see what I come up with. And I think part of that will be loving some parts much more and other parts cringing over. And then the result - caring WAY less how other people see me.

- Listening - I feel like He might have been nudging me to do Bible study different this time. I was feeling like maybe this wasn't right - not anything with the group or the study but that it was time to look at things differently. But I dug my heels in - stubborn and a little selfish. And WAY less than faithful that God would take care of my spiritual needs. Fortunately, He doesn't run out of mercy. I'll finish out this study making sure I'm listening to His promptings.....

- Spiritual slumpiness - I can't believe I'm admitting this but I'm in a bit of a spiritual rut. I feel guilty even saying it. My life is right off the hanger charmed right now. I'm living my dream singing in a band that plays a concert to Jesus Christ Himself every week.... I'm meeting with Him in His Word each day and even talking with Bob about how He works in my life. But I'm feeling a little distant. A little unmoved. And I love me some strong emotions!!! I feel like I've been watching the movie of how God's moved in Bob's life and somehow find myself settling for something WAY less than the abundance that He promises. I'm sure it has something to do with humbly finding my place in the new world He's placed me in.

I guess there's something inside of me - like when your bones ache before it rains?? - that suspects that something is about to happen. And I wanted to get my feelings into words before the deluge!