An interesting week

So many feelings this week. All of them varying degrees of struggle. I nearly cried myself all through church on Sunday feeling overwhelmed with something that God was hinting to me. Last week at some point, I was overwhelmed to find out that a pastor whom I respect a great deal was diverging down a theological path that presented me with rethinking of 30-some years of teaching. Struggling with treating Gibson and Buddy fairly - letting them both know that I loved them. Found that the fish my mom gave me was injured and looked not so good. And Haiti has me wrought - I am in denial and I can't watch the news but I have thought so much about it in the last week my brain and heart hurt. Monday night I got the distinct impression that God has some specific plans in my greatest vulnerability. I don't know what that means but like Abraham, I'm saying yes. I don't know to what. Or where. Or how. Or who. But yes. I truly have no idea what it is. And I don't want to try and fake my way through an overblown spiritual experience so I'm not going to stare at it until it hatches. I'm just wanting to say yes.

My week got better. As with most things, the theological dilemma was less in reality than I had made it in my imaginations. Iron sharpened iron as Dad, Carrie, Emily and I all hashed through the information others graciously made available. I still feel like I am at a crossroads in so many ways and for the first time in my life, I'd like to close my eyes, take His arm and hum my way through the intersection until we get there. I do love you my Savior. I have no idea what you have in store but for the moment I have the greatest peace about going with you!

A New Family Member - Meet Buddy

This here is our new family member, Buddy. He is a chubby 8 year old beagle who needed a new home. A year ago his mom died of cancer and the husband was going to give him to the pound and move away to Germany with his son. His groomer adopted him. Something then happened that his groomer and her two kids moved in with her mother who already had two big dogs - one who didn't take to Buddy and picked on him relentlessly. He was attacked by a neighbor dog sometime in the spring too. Sad lot of things happened to this guy in the last year. And Missie got a Facebook notice that he needed a home and sent the plea to us. Worth a shot. And Bob wanted him. Wanted him to have a shot at being loved like Gibby. Wanted him to have a peaceful life. So now, unbenounced to him, Buddy has moved into the Hilton for dogs. With no kids, they get our love.

Much like everyone BUT Gibson in this house, he needs to go on a diet. But he seems very relaxed so far. Slept well. He's very stiff and arthritic but we'll be going on walks now to loosen him up.

Some things about both are alike. Fortunately, they both beg in the same way - staring longingly at you while you eat.... :)

Gibson seems fine for now. You'd never know apart from his whiter face that he's the older of the two but I hope we can love him well enough that this changes. Slim down and loved up. That's the goal. Oh and this non-aggressive dog seems fine with Kivrin. I hope that continues too. She appropriately feels no threat from Buddy....

Time for a Change

I know everyone on the planet is saying this but it's about time I make some changes to my health before God makes them for me. I know that God isn't hankering to just be a part of these changes - He's wanting to BE the changes. I don't know how this is going to play out but I will be praying about it and starting to really make the changes to be healthy. The motivation has to come from God. I finally felt better after a Christmas sickness to get back to the idea of working out. I had one disappointment that I can't even bear to write. And another when I caught my profile in the mirror. But I'm not going to get upset. I'm going to God. Praying for the motivation and making healthier choices for eating and exercise as a form of worship. I love you, Jesus and loving you is going to remind me to learn to take care of what you've given me with more responsibility.

My heart hurts, BUT GOD

Things still sting. I still feel like there is an emptiness. I'm very emotional.

BUT GOD, has bigger plans for us. I know this because, we went to Memorial Park last week and I loved worship like I haven't loved it in awhile. And both of us had very emotional reactions to the worship music. It was me and God and the words on that screen and that's all I needed in those moments and it's all I could offer Him.

We're in the waiting room and He's asking us to stay there for awhile. And part of me wants to cry for my broken heart and another part wants to defend but neither are what God wants. I feel like God wants us to wait and pray and pray some more. I know He has plans for both of us and I know He uses things like this in mighty ways. I just want to make sure I'm listening. Intently.

Kind of an Earthquake of Change

It's only been a bit less than a week and I don't even know where to begin. Bob resigned as worship leader last Sunday and I was in a verbal jousting match with a virtual stranger that end up skewering my vocals to the point it has me needing to take a break from singing so I can adjust.

Sounds simple until you factor in one part - God's people (including me and Bob) can royally (pun intended) screw up His plans. Let me just say that no one involved skirts fault in this - we all have our signature sins stamped all over it. No excuses but we were all up to our eyeballs in doing other things that some of the important stuff wasn't attended to. I've laughed at this over the last two years but ICC's sign, More Jesus Less Crap was what drew us. But it hadn't even launched then - so it was still true. Two years later, there's plenty of crap. God didn't design it as part of the church, we carried it in - on our shoes, in our purses, on our backs, when we walked in the door.

I'm tired over it but things are getting clearer. My schedule is actually absurdly free this week and so is Bob's. He took Friday off and I actually caught him reading a FICTION book out in the livingroom!!!! We both desperately needed the time off but would never have taken it to this degree.

So this morning we are going to check out another church. We'll probably check out a bunch of them over the course of the next couple of months. And then hopefully, God will have healed some broken hearts and some conversations will have taken place, and we'll go back to a place we feel like is home.

This week I was reminded that such a painful thing is part of how God grows us. And a good friend and a very wise woman sat across from me practically giddy with excitement about what God intended for us through such a painful experience. And I remembered that during one of the Beth Moore studies, I remembered learning about "Joy cometh in the morning." Such darkness - some of it even brought on by bad decisions and unfortunate choices and sinful actions that I chose - led to the night that was 2005. But joy came in the morning - it was all part of the path that led to ICC and a Subway in 2007. And I wished so desperately that I had known during that night that joy comes in the morning. And I wanted to remember. And until Thursday when I sat with my friend, I'd forgotten. Right now this hurts and there are regrets and disappointment but joy cometh in the morning, for me and Bob and ICC and everyone involved.

Why I Seek God

Things have changed over the last few years. I used to listen to tapes daily because I knew how easy it would be to just stop doing it and then life would get crazy. Now, I do it because I've literally watched how quickly my natural sinful self can revert back to zero parts Christ-like. I "knew" it before in my head. Now I've seen the cesspool of my own heart apart from God. Last week I didn't sit right down after this and have my quiet time with God. In fact, I didn't at all until Wednesday - nearly a week. And not a proper one until Friday. Ugh. And the results were that by Thursday what was coming out of me was sewage. I was frustrated with everyone, angry, critical, upset, overwhelmed. Then Friday I sat down and heard a word or two from God. And I got up feeling so loved that it still freaks me out a little. Father you are amazing.

Day of Rest

Maybe this is just the time of year when I don't want to miss anything. Maybe it's just that there are so many extra things to do. Whatever the reason, I'm not so good at scheduling in a day to just be. And my quiet time with God gets very difficult to honor. Seems like the crazier life gets the more I need God and the harder it is to get to Him through all the chaos. I did stuff in the evenings every day this week and I missed my quiet time at least 3 times already. And now, here I am on Saturday almost to evening and I feel like I'm already behind the 8 ball. So I'm going to finish up here, catch up on some blogs and then sit down and catch up with God. Yep - that's the plan.

Always a challenge

It seems like God loves to see us grow. I guess that isn't a big surprise and slowly, I'm learning to thank Him for those challenges.

I know how I react to challenges at work. When something comes up that I worry about whether I can accomplish or not, I panic and freak out. And yet even then, in those times at work when I've compartmentalized and forgot that God is in control there, He was kind enough to remind me that He is in control. And I survived every challenge and I'm slowly learning that He gives me those things so I can trust in Him and relax a bit - and the work gets done. Usually better than I expected. Sometimes I make God so small.

But in spite of learning this lesson at work, it has been hard to move the lesson over to all things church. It's almost like I have to learn these things in each part of my life before they stick. And since serving God within His church is a new thing for me, I HAVE LOTS OF LESSONS THAT NEED A'LEARNIN'!!!!! As we live out this holiday season, I am making a vow to give a lot more than I get. Not presents -half the time people can't even recall what we get them. I want to start the day with God giving him my answer to whatever He calls me. And I want to offer what I have to Him by giving kindness and effort to others. I've been learning I have a lot of work to do with that. I still live in my comfortable shell too much. Thus the fun lessons that He throws my way. Challenges to grow into the child that He knew from the start.

Neglecting a Big Job

This week I've been struck by the struggles that my husband is having. He's in a pretty rough patch. In fact, I'd say he seems to be in one of the more brutal yet subtle struggles I've seen him in. And there is so much at stake. He's struggling with relationships of all kinds and his bad habits that affect those relationships. If you think about it, that is about as comprehensive of an area as you can get. And if you know him, you will know that this is VERY difficult for him. He has immense difficulty with relationships. There is something at the root of it and it's a mystery right now. He's balking at things in a very reactive way and I can almost catch a glimpse of what's eating him and then it's gone. So I pray. And I've prayed for him a great deal recently. But one thing I regularly fail to remember is that I am his biggest support system. My words are either the wind beneath his wings or the bat that knock him out of the sky. Ouch. Not only is he relatively new to his walk with Jesus but he's a ministry leader. That's a lot. Big expectations of him. And quite literally he is Moses saying, "Dude, I think you have the wrong guy. Have you seen me? Really?" But God has seen him. I know our Father and I know that He loves Bob so much and this is what this pain is about. He has a new name for Bob and right now Bob's in the wrestling match of his life. Father, I cannot pray on his struggle because I want it to stop but I want him to be more like you. So I pray that you will make me into the wife I need to be to him through this. In your Son.

God sees the end

I was just reading my devotion for the early morning and something that wasn't even the point of it struck me. Because God doesn't see things in linear time, He sees His completed work in me. Now isn't now. It's who I become when He's finished. It's who I was to Him from the beginning.

He doesn't see the Dena that ignored Him when it came to relationships and sexuality.
He doesn't see the Dena that thought that going to church was optional or that I didn't need anyone's help to grow closer to Him.
He doesn't see the Dena that seeks comfort in food.
He doesn't see the the Dena that rolls her eyes at authority and criticism.

My amazing God sees the DONE Dena in the five foot seven and a half chunk of clay even though it really just looks like a lump to everyone else. Wonder what He sees.......

He's not finished with me yet. Praise God and Hallelujah - He's not finished with me yet.