Blogging before Blog

I was searching through disks from my old computer looking for a picture and I came across some writing I did when Bob and I were in Myrtle Beach right after 9/11/2001. I had JUST been looking at my travel journal on vacation wishing that I had written something and I guess I was just looking in the wrong place. I was well into my Palm Pilot with teaching so I entered them in there and then transferred everything to Word when I returned. It is very interesting to also note that while I was TEACHING writing to my 4th graders, I think I actually became a better writer. Thought I would post - I apologize in advance for the length. The picture below was from Virginia Beach but the effect is the same.... something about the ocean.....



October 12, 2001 - 9:00pm - Well, I could not ask for a better place to relax. The surf is pounding and when I stepped onto the balcony I could see flickering lights out at sea. In those distant shipping channels, life goes on just like my life here on shore goes on. Oh, CNN is still blaring from the room and I know that more scares are likely to crop up tomorrow in this crazy world, but for right now, all that matters is that I am peaceful. My mind is peaceful. And when I walked out here to view my friend the ocean, I desperately wanted to write. The carpet isn't screaming to be swept or the dishwasher whining to be filled or unloaded. The dog isn't sadly looking to be snuggled into his spot next to me on the chair and the TV isn't an escape from the mountains of work that is mandated from that crazy job I have sought. It is just about me. And about Bob and about how we like to spend time together unfettered by our lives. The beer silhouetted on the railing isn't a guilty pleasure that might result in lost work time. It is an almost elegant reminder as it sits there with the ocean as a backdrop. A reminder that I deserve some unnecessary, even frivolous, indulgences. What is it about the ocean that does this to me? Am I truly a closet mermaid who derives some sort of energy from the sea. Does reaching out my hand to it when renew my spirit somehow? In a recent song the words told some of my feelings. “ I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean.....” Maybe this is just my way of humbling myself. Reminding myself that God has a plan for me - but that the world is big and I am small. Sometimes being intense isn't as important as sweetly savoring each moment. The sea reminds me that no matter how many waves crash against that beach, no matter how many shells find their home in the sand, each time it happens and I am witness, it is beautiful and powerful and divine. And it is unknown and mysterious. And so my life and it's hassles and even the fears of the last month, they are small. God makes sure that each wave hits as he has planned. He'll make me into what he wants. And I will be okay. Like the sea and all the power and mystery and beauty, I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Marvelous are your gifts and works, oh, Lord.

October 14, 2001 7:15am - From my perch up here on the third floor, I have just watched the sunrise on another beautiful day at the beach. It is low tide and the foam edges its way up the beach like a child that creeps its way only inches from her mother and finds herself stranded, alone. Could the wind be any more fresh? Could the sun be any brighter and warming? I have strange feelings as I sit here. Part of is joyous that I have been able to put two entries in my Palm and label them "Personal." I spent an hour pampering myself last night, fixing my nails, massaging my feet. But the cares are not gone. I find myself relaxed enough to worry about things I don't usually get time to ... Like the fact that I am just plain old fat and it really has changed my way of life and my feelings about myself. I look into the mirror and I don't loathe myself - it isn't like that. I just don't recognize myself. I know there is a thinner, even beautiful me inside. Right now, I don't like my hair or my face or my body. And then that leads to the next problem. I am fat and don't have any kids yet. And I really shouldn't even consider that until I lose weight. Peeling off those layers of dissatisfaction leads to one of the real concerns. And it isn't that the concern is hidden that deep. It just has been well protected by my psyche underneath that thick layer of practicality. The world is becoming a more and more frightening place. It is slightly more than one month after the World trade Center tragedy and nightmares are unfolding one after another. In the last week, a dozen or so anthrax cases have cropped up in various places throughout the country. Sent to media companies, they have infected many people who go on about their lives much like I do. Paying attention and staying well informed about the latest developments, but separating themselves. I think it will become more and more difficult to do that. If life continues like this, I don't know if I want to get pregnant. Bob stepped out onto the porch as I was finishing up reading one of the books I brought along and said, "I don't know..." When I asked him what he meant, he said that he thinks things are going to get really awful.... He doesn't usually go for the panic. He's watched CNN for nearly a full month now. Oh sure we turn the channel for some things - Buffy, Survivor, or CSI - but it always comes back. I hesitate to admit it but we are trying to keep track so we can hear the latest - maybe the first ones to get the news of another tragedy unfolding in our beloved country. I think we are waiting for the other shoe to drop. Smallpox or plague or another attack. It isn't obvious but it is there. And it has changed our lives. I keep wondering if all I'll ever be is an aunt - because maybe it will be better that way. I think I want to be closer to home in case of a national emergency. Yesterday, Bob refused to drink a pop because the safety seal wasn't in place. two months ago I would have poo-pooed him. Now I was paranoid and a little fearful. And Carrie is scheduled to fly down next weekend and stay with us - I still don't know if she is coming. The FBI issued a warning this week - a vague non-specific warning that other attacks are imminent - in the next few days even. So I guess we will see. I don't know if I would come or not. She only spent a hundred dollars on the ticket. But she is pregnant and will be coming alone and the fear might paralyze me - and I know she is even more intense than I am. So it has changed our lives. Thank you Lord that it hasn't touched us directly - but if Bin Laden or whoever was seeking to change our lives and set fear in our hearts, then I think he has succeeded in ways he could not have even imagined. It's true that our freedoms are being whisked away in a current of panic. UN planes are now to fly over the country - as protection?? This is like a horrible unentertaining movie of the week.
Then I sit back in my chair here in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina and I look at the waves and the endless horizon and I smile. For the second time in two days I see a pod of dolphins tracing the shoreline. Have we complicated our lives too much? Those amazing creatures of the sea remind me that my life has to go on. I still want to enjoy things that I love. Admire things of beauty. And hold close the things that are dear.

Emma - Desperate for the Lost

My sister told me this story the other day that made my heart hurt. Lest I forget - this whole pool thing has made me think about how much work God has to do with me - with finances and what makes my heart hurt. The pool made my heart hurt. Ugh.

Emma is seven and she's a smart cookie but I learned something very important about the heart of a child from her.

Here's what Carrie told us:

Somehow they were discussing that someone was not allowed to have a manger scene and Emma asked why. Carrie told her that some people don't believe in God and so they get very upset when people do anything that reminds them of God. Emma began to get visibly upset and asked why they didn't believe and said, "But they won't go to heaven!" At this point she became so upset she began to cry, very inconsolably, being very aware of where people went that didn't believe in Jesus. Carrie did exactly what I would have done. She tried to calm her down by distancing her from the subject that was upsetting her.

Later, Carrie went back to her. My sister had been thinking about Emma's reaction and she sat down with her and said, "Emma, I'm sorry I told you not to get so upset about people not going to heaven. That's really how all of us should feel about people who don't know Jesus."

Maybe if all of our hearts broke for the lost like little Emma's, we would all see NOT sharing our faith as the harder of the two options. We would act past our discomfort and accept that even a rejection may bring another person that much closer to the saving work of Jesus Christ. God bless you Emma and the heart for Jesus that you have. I pray that God preserves that heart broken for Him and puts it to great work in your life and His Kingdom. Amen.

Crazy Clown Car

I just have to post this funny thing. That 18ft collapsed pool? We fit the WHOLE thing (less the vinyl liner which went to the garbage) in the back of the civic thanks to a handy guy with a sawzall!!!! SUVs my behind!! Civics are workhorses!

We loaded it up to take it to the scrap yard - thought we might get a few bucks..... Alas, this place didn't scrap steel and we didn't get anything but that's okay. They took it from us without charging anything for disposal.

A fresh start with a bit of pineapple

Today is a new day and thank you Lord for that. Yesterday I got VERY overwhelmed by life. No vacation, busy job, busier life, lots of stuff on the to do list. I emailed Bob mid-day and started to cry. Nothing he said changed it - he tried to be encouraging and help me remove some of the craziness that was freaking me out.

But a friend from church dropped by to provide some much needed reassurance and two additional smiling faces - one that was adorable and 17 months and one that was another good friend. I was reminded that we were getting a pool and that it was all going to work out okay with the deck and all.

And while I was grabbing some basil for my eager friend, I saw again that my sweet little garnish-size pineapple had been ripening. Bright yellow - at least on one side. So I picked it - in a rush, even a tizzy. And after my friends left, I cut it up and I took two delicious bites of a tiny fruit that I had invested three years in. I wasn't sad it was done - I lopped off the crown and was eager to get a new one started. Three years for two bites and it changed my night. Took me from frazzled to hopeful.

I know that life seems crazy right now but God has a plan. I am ridiculously impatient in the short term but in the long term, he's been changing my heart, making me wait things out so I can see his glorious plan. 10 years from unbelieving husband to godly man, worship leader and spiritual leader of our home. A lifetime of selfish behavior slowly pared a little at a time to more sharing and praying that I will become desperate for the lost. Arms length distance from letting God in all the rooms of my life - now opening and redecorating one door at a time. He can handle the little stuff. The day to day. Days like yesterday I somehow think he wants me to handle that. Nope.

I'm learning. A lot and then a little. And a little bit of pineapple was all it took to remind me.

Decisions, Distraction and Discouragement

This about sums up my last 10 days. Doing research on pool replacement, falling off the good eating and workout wagon and also distracted away from my morning quiet times with God. And as a result, yuck-yuck-yuck. I'm not surprised at how I feel as a result but I'm so disappointed in myself. I have to get back on track and right now the catch up seems overwhelming both at work and home. I get in places like this - RUTS - where the sides seem so steep that I can't crawl out on my own. Hmmm. I know the answer but I seem to distant from attaining it. How about instead of blogging, I try going to the source and getting this worked out? Not me resolving but God resolving. Hoping my next post is about resolutions....

Pool-less

I know it's silly to be sad over a pool. I know it's just a thing. No one was hurt, nothing other than the pool was damaged. But I am having a hard time with this. It was my consolation prize for no summer vacation. It was my happy thought when I thought about not getting a day off all summer. It was my reward after a day of work.

And with the pool water swooshed out security and comfort. This week I've been an anxious mess worrying about everything from the weeds in the lawn to the rust on the fence to the sag in the stone wall. Chang ching - Chang ching - Chang ching. Money. Costs a lot to replace one of these. And then there's the fact that everyone comes here for the pool. Saylor reunion next year, visits from family. Ugh. It just makes me so sad. I think it was THE thing that made me love this house.

We're getting a new one. Bob seems confident of that but typical me panics and must have right now.

So it's no wonder for the last two days I've been bombarded with reminders from GOD not to let my pool be the idol it apparently was. And DO NOT WORRY. Phil 4:6, 1 Peter 5:7, Matt 6:25-34. Another reminder that although I sometimes feel like I've come a long way, I am one mini-tidal wave from falling right down. Glad God loves me even in this disappointing state.

Too Busy Not to Pray Study

Life is going well! Our bible study is something we really look forward to each week. It's awesome getting to know new people and share our lives with each other. Also great getting to know my sister-in-law better. Been so grateful lately for the wisdom God is giving me with that. Last week during the communion service I felt like the Spirit was strongly encouraging me to talk to Missie about the jealousy and apologize for the way it comes out. Basically since I'm envious, I act overly critical and superior in my head about other things. Unattractive to say the least. I've been praying about it. I let her know that I was sorry for being mean and critical and I wanted to fix that because she's my sister (in more than one way) and I loved that we were getting closer and I didn't want that between us. She was very forgiving and said that she hadn't noticed anything like that but I assured her that God wanted me to ask for forgiveness so He could get it out there. I have to admit that sometimes I'm a big meany - and in order to fix it, I really have to admit it. I've already found myself less critical. God works in mysterious ways..... :)

And another example (just for the week!) of successful prayer is Bob. He's been reading the 5 love languages and he's made some significant effort. I need to work harder too.... But it's just awesome to see how quickly God can start to work on things that we persistently pray about.

I love how God works!! And as our book is reminding us, the greatest motivator for prayer is answered prayer!

Mission Call

Sunday night I was able to attend the commisioning service for my friend Jenn as she departs for Malawi with a team from the Pittsburgh Presbytery for a 10 day trip. I am so excited for her and cannot wait to talk with her after she returns home to see how God uses this to deepen His presence in her life. The message the pastor gave was clear, this trip was a calling on them to be there at this time and each of them was being called to bring all that they had to this trip for God to use. Jenn and I have just recently rekindled our friendship and it is HUGELY exciting to see how God is in the middle of that newly rediscovered friendship. I am so proud to be her friend and am honored that I could be there to see her blessed like this.

While I was there I felt a longing for service. It was a combination of the Saturday community outreach giving out water that we coordinated for our small group and Tommy pushing me the previous week to go in and talk with a new person. Both were things I DID NOT want to do. Tommy challenged me and he challenged our group and truth be told - I liked doing both of those things even though I fought it. It seems that I don't do things that make me uncomfortable without a good bit of prodding. But a part of me knows that the discomfort is SO POWERFUL in the growth process. I long to be that uncomfortable again. I keep thinking back to the discomfort of my trip to the Caribbean with Clarence and in particular my climb up the saw grass steeps of El Toro. Tears and pain and frustation. And the biggest physical accomplishment of my life and the greatest sense of achievement. And I was far from God then because of some choices I was making. Most of the prodding came from a professor who I dearly loved. Can you even imagine being prodded by the loving all powerful God of the Universe and what an answer to that call might mean? Honestly, I can't fathom it. But someday I hope to go. Where? I don't know. When? I don't know. I especially don't know how. But someday I hope He asks and I say yes.

Loving IT!

The small group study I am leading right now is on Bill Hybel's book "Too Busy Not to Pray." It's encouraged me to take up journaling my prayers again and do something else that I haven't done in awhile - review my earlier prayers. It is truly amazing. Today, I read the prayer that I prayed on 12/25/2007 and it was astonishing the love that I gushed for God. Particularly interesting because I am having trouble right now in the adoration department of my prayer life. It was so genuine my wonder at where life had so recently been in comparison to where God was pointing us. I think right now I have to unlearn some things about my prayer life - something that has me checking off a box each day that I did it. I am such an organization freak that I think I lose some of the intensity of it because I'm just doing it - going through the motions. And as the song says, "Don't want to go through the motions, don't want to go one more day without your all consuming power inside of me. Don't want to spend my whole life asking, what if I had given everything, instead of going through the motions." So that is my prayer right now, whatever is holding me back, whatever I am doing or not doing in disobedience to God - please get rid of it!!! As I look back at my prayers for that day, I was begging for humility and obedience. He gave it. And so I beg for it even deeper. God give me what I am afraid to get.

Again - so very long!!

In the last 7 weeks my work life has changed enormously. It went from fearfully perilous to comfortably efficient. On June 3, the parent company I work for laid off half of their staff and cut our portion of the company off from any financial assistance. It changed everything. The place I hoped I would work until I no longer worked changed. It was no longer safe and secure. It went from being a family to being a job. I went from having a home away from home to an office again. I know it was supposed to be that way. Maybe God saw that I was becoming too comfortable and relying too much on that ease. It changed and so I began looking at things different. And things became very different. No longer was there an odd supervisory relationship between me and several EIP employees. Where there was once an authority exerted over me to establish the hierarchy, now there was no support at all. It was disappointing. But Joel was back to being my direct boss. Over these last few weeks, we've re-established our close relationship. He's sought my help with decisions and I've renewed my respect for the way he's been handling things - calmly and with a level rational head. He's been encouraging and grateful. And I've made sure that he knows that I'm here until they tell me to go.

I no longer have someone to back me up if I had a day off. So when I found out that EIP was working 8-4 shifts which I couldn't take advantage of, I asked Joel to let me work from home. He agreed and before the end of last month I was working from home. It's been a balancing act. I think I'm doing okay for the time being but balance has never been my thing. I feel like I've been getting a lot done at work and home is benefitting too.

So now I'm back. Lots of other things have happened over that time. Good stuff. Growing stuff. But that will wait. I'll catch this up soon enough now that life is back to strange normal..... :)