October 12, 2001 - 9:00pm - Well, I could not ask for a better place to relax. The surf is pounding and when I stepped onto the balcony I could see flickering lights out at sea. In those distant shipping channels, life goes on just like my life here on shore goes on. Oh, CNN is still blaring from the room and I know that more scares are likely to crop up tomorrow in this crazy world, but for right now, all that matters is that I am peaceful. My mind is peaceful. And when I walked out here to view my friend the ocean, I desperately wanted to write. The carpet isn't screaming to be swept or the dishwasher whining to be filled or unloaded. The dog isn't sadly looking to be snuggled into his spot next to me on the chair and the TV isn't an escape from the mountains of work that is mandated from that crazy job I have sought. It is just about me. And about Bob and about how we like to spend time together unfettered by our lives. The beer silhouetted on the railing isn't a guilty pleasure that might result in lost work time. It is an almost elegant reminder as it sits there with the ocean as a backdrop. A reminder that I deserve some unnecessary, even frivolous, indulgences. What is it about the ocean that does this to me? Am I truly a closet mermaid who derives some sort of energy from the sea. Does reaching out my hand to it when renew my spirit somehow? In a recent song the words told some of my feelings. “ I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean.....” Maybe this is just my way of humbling myself. Reminding myself that God has a plan for me - but that the world is big and I am small. Sometimes being intense isn't as important as sweetly savoring each moment. The sea reminds me that no matter how many waves crash against that beach, no matter how many shells find their home in the sand, each time it happens and I am witness, it is beautiful and powerful and divine. And it is unknown and mysterious. And so my life and it's hassles and even the fears of the last month, they are small. God makes sure that each wave hits as he has planned. He'll make me into what he wants. And I will be okay. Like the sea and all the power and mystery and beauty, I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Marvelous are your gifts and works, oh, Lord.
October 14, 2001 7:15am - From my perch up here on the third floor, I have just watched the sunrise on another beautiful day at the beach. It is low tide and the foam edges its way up the beach like a child that creeps its way only inches from her mother and finds herself stranded, alone. Could the wind be any more fresh? Could the sun be any brighter and warming? I have strange feelings as I sit here. Part of is joyous that I have been able to put two entries in my Palm and label them "Personal." I spent an hour pampering myself last night, fixing my nails, massaging my feet. But the cares are not gone. I find myself relaxed enough to worry about things I don't usually get time to ... Like the fact that I am just plain old fat and it really has changed my way of life and my feelings about myself. I look into the mirror and I don't loathe myself - it isn't like that. I just don't recognize myself. I know there is a thinner, even beautiful me inside. Right now, I don't like my hair or my face or my body. And then that leads to the next problem. I am fat and don't have any kids yet. And I really shouldn't even consider that until I lose weight. Peeling off those layers of dissatisfaction leads to one of the real concerns. And it isn't that the concern is hidden that deep. It just has been well protected by my psyche underneath that thick layer of practicality. The world is becoming a more and more frightening place. It is slightly more than one month after the World trade Center tragedy and nightmares are unfolding one after another. In the last week, a dozen or so anthrax cases have cropped up in various places throughout the country. Sent to media companies, they have infected many people who go on about their lives much like I do. Paying attention and staying well informed about the latest developments, but separating themselves. I think it will become more and more difficult to do that. If life continues like this, I don't know if I want to get pregnant. Bob stepped out onto the porch as I was finishing up reading one of the books I brought along and said, "I don't know..." When I asked him what he meant, he said that he thinks things are going to get really awful.... He doesn't usually go for the panic. He's watched CNN for nearly a full month now. Oh sure we turn the channel for some things - Buffy, Survivor, or CSI - but it always comes back. I hesitate to admit it but we are trying to keep track so we can hear the latest - maybe the first ones to get the news of another tragedy unfolding in our beloved country. I think we are waiting for the other shoe to drop. Smallpox or plague or another attack. It isn't obvious but it is there. And it has changed our lives. I keep wondering if all I'll ever be is an aunt - because maybe it will be better that way. I think I want to be closer to home in case of a national emergency. Yesterday, Bob refused to drink a pop because the safety seal wasn't in place. two months ago I would have poo-pooed him. Now I was paranoid and a little fearful. And Carrie is scheduled to fly down next weekend and stay with us - I still don't know if she is coming. The FBI issued a warning this week - a vague non-specific warning that other attacks are imminent - in the next few days even. So I guess we will see. I don't know if I would come or not. She only spent a hundred dollars on the ticket. But she is pregnant and will be coming alone and the fear might paralyze me - and I know she is even more intense than I am. So it has changed our lives. Thank you Lord that it hasn't touched us directly - but if Bin Laden or whoever was seeking to change our lives and set fear in our hearts, then I think he has succeeded in ways he could not have even imagined. It's true that our freedoms are being whisked away in a current of panic. UN planes are now to fly over the country - as protection?? This is like a horrible unentertaining movie of the week.
Then I sit back in my chair here in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina and I look at the waves and the endless horizon and I smile. For the second time in two days I see a pod of dolphins tracing the shoreline. Have we complicated our lives too much? Those amazing creatures of the sea remind me that my life has to go on. I still want to enjoy things that I love. Admire things of beauty. And hold close the things that are dear.
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