Waiting

Nana has been mostly unresponsive and bad for the last several days. Since the beginning of the week I have known what to pray for - release. No more doubt or guilt about it. Father God take her home - so she can run and dance and act goofy and be free from guilt or doubt and be filled with the most complete love she's ever felt in her life.

My mind is going 50,000 different ways. I'm not sad like I was in March. I'm frustrated and worried about Em and Dad and Aunt Becky. And a little because I don't understand why He's taking so long. I know - I don't get to know and I know His plan is designed out of perfect love so it is absolutely best. I just wish I knew.

And I feel bad for all the times when people lost a loved one that I didn't empathize well. It's hard - even when you know she's headed for the greatest home every built. And it's consuming because this person that's fading away has helped to shape the person that you are today and even though you know better in your head, your heart is breaking.

And I have to stop myself from worrying about everyone else. This person's plans and what will this person do or what if it just a few more days then THIS will be an issue. And last night or this morning it occured to me that I was being an idiot again - trying to control things with prayer. God knows everyone's schedules and responsibilities be it work or church or travel. And He CAN make them all work. I'm just praying that it's soon for Nana. That's it.

And He'll give me the patience I need.