Heavy Heart

This week has just really been difficult. I think the stuff that happened might be a little too raw to process but somehow I still felt compelled to mark it here and now. I had a eye-opening and painful week learning about myself the hard way. I compared it to the moment Toto pulled the curtain back to reveal Oz was nothing but a funny looking guy. Except my Toto was someone that I respect and my revelation was worse than being funny looking. I thought I had this respect for authority thing canned. Work now is amazing and I recognize Joel is my boss. Where I used to be upset and feel like I could do it better or that something was being done poorly, I just accept and move on. Most of the time, I don't even get upset.

And then came a new organization that I'd never been part of in quite this intimate way - the body of Christ. A place where I should be embracing my place because God put me there. And ever since its started, I've struggled in one way or another. Submitting to Bob as a wife, as a vocalist on the stage under his leadership in the band, and then and now, to other church leadership. I know this is my biggest weakness. I'm not in charge - at all. And it irks me. And I don't like that it bugs me. But I chafe under the authority and so then I gripe and get mad and frustrated and critical and judgmental. And then I really don't like me. And then I do lots of things that are fruitless attempts to placate the fact that I'm disappointed in the person that I am.

And all this becomes abundantly clear on the very day we start the bible study "Life's Healing Choices." When we prepared for it, I had other ideas about what my problem was. And those other things are clearly still issues. But this problem with authority is ruining my ability to serve God. I think God wanted me to be aware that it wasn't licked yet. Over the last four years or so, God has done wonderful things in my life with this but it's like I thought I had let Him house clean and all of a sudden realized that there was a ballroom in the house that was still full of this muck. Let me clarify that by "realized" I mean that probably one of the LAST people I wanted to know that I had this kind of screwed up defect in me was the one person to lovingly and honestly hit me with a 2x4 with the truth of it. I've never been so humiliated over my own weakness. Never. Because this was 100% my sin problem. I've been as sad as this before but never due to my own things. I'm glad that it happened. Thanking God that He loves me enough not to let me get away with this stuff anymore - but still wrecked by it. And the enemy gets in my head and tempts me to make this about unfairness and someone else's issues.... and I have to make a choice to let this be about God and me and what He wants to get in there and do in my life. I'm embarrassed but I am blessed to be going through this. Father, please help me submit to your authority in my life - in every part of my life that you have carefully and omnisciently planned.