Emotional

Today I had talks with two of the women in my life that often draw out what's eating me. Sheila and Marianne. After talking with Sheila this morning and Marianne at length this afternoon in a long overdue visit and pool chat, I think I realized what was eating me last weekend while I was riding high with joy. I couldn't figure out why I was so emotional. And after bursting into tears at least twice while I talked with Marianne, I had a thought. Sheila asked if Mom and Dad turning 60 was difficult. And really it didn't seem so. Of course, I was looking at very nearsightedly. Mom and Dad don't seem 60 so it doesn't seem as old as I thought 60 would be. However, with Nana in her final hour, maybe the whole concept of 60 to 70 being only 10 years is a little more overwhelming than I thought. Marianne pointed out that with her mom going home last year she and her sisters are now the oldest generation. Mom and Dad are soon going to be the oldest generation in our immediate family and I don't think I'm ready for that. And there's not a thing that I can do to slow down time and keep our family in this great place that we are enjoying at this very moment. And that was every moment that I lost it. When I couldn't control Bob, tiredness or the singing - I had a minor meltdown. And on the surface, it doesn't make sense that in this life full of love that brought me to tears on each of the two weekends that I would feel bad. But there is a lot going on right now that is difficult and sad and at least tough to process. So I think I'm okay with it right now - kind of letting it sink in.

Just as a little aside to some of the other things about Nana and Bob's dad and mom and dad getting older, I think one of the things that has me a little sad is that I love my sisters and their families. Not exactly a saddening thing on the outside. But at the heart of it, I wish there were more weekends like last one. I wish Carrie's family lived closer. I wish Emma and Hope were close enough that they could come spend the weekend with Aunt Dena and Uncle Bob. I wish Emily and Ray were closer too - so that going up there or coming down here wasn't such a production . And Mom and Dad and Bob and I could do a cheap dinner a night during the week. I'm grateful for what we have but sometimes, I just do some wishing.......