My heart hurts, BUT GOD

Things still sting. I still feel like there is an emptiness. I'm very emotional.

BUT GOD, has bigger plans for us. I know this because, we went to Memorial Park last week and I loved worship like I haven't loved it in awhile. And both of us had very emotional reactions to the worship music. It was me and God and the words on that screen and that's all I needed in those moments and it's all I could offer Him.

We're in the waiting room and He's asking us to stay there for awhile. And part of me wants to cry for my broken heart and another part wants to defend but neither are what God wants. I feel like God wants us to wait and pray and pray some more. I know He has plans for both of us and I know He uses things like this in mighty ways. I just want to make sure I'm listening. Intently.

Kind of an Earthquake of Change

It's only been a bit less than a week and I don't even know where to begin. Bob resigned as worship leader last Sunday and I was in a verbal jousting match with a virtual stranger that end up skewering my vocals to the point it has me needing to take a break from singing so I can adjust.

Sounds simple until you factor in one part - God's people (including me and Bob) can royally (pun intended) screw up His plans. Let me just say that no one involved skirts fault in this - we all have our signature sins stamped all over it. No excuses but we were all up to our eyeballs in doing other things that some of the important stuff wasn't attended to. I've laughed at this over the last two years but ICC's sign, More Jesus Less Crap was what drew us. But it hadn't even launched then - so it was still true. Two years later, there's plenty of crap. God didn't design it as part of the church, we carried it in - on our shoes, in our purses, on our backs, when we walked in the door.

I'm tired over it but things are getting clearer. My schedule is actually absurdly free this week and so is Bob's. He took Friday off and I actually caught him reading a FICTION book out in the livingroom!!!! We both desperately needed the time off but would never have taken it to this degree.

So this morning we are going to check out another church. We'll probably check out a bunch of them over the course of the next couple of months. And then hopefully, God will have healed some broken hearts and some conversations will have taken place, and we'll go back to a place we feel like is home.

This week I was reminded that such a painful thing is part of how God grows us. And a good friend and a very wise woman sat across from me practically giddy with excitement about what God intended for us through such a painful experience. And I remembered that during one of the Beth Moore studies, I remembered learning about "Joy cometh in the morning." Such darkness - some of it even brought on by bad decisions and unfortunate choices and sinful actions that I chose - led to the night that was 2005. But joy came in the morning - it was all part of the path that led to ICC and a Subway in 2007. And I wished so desperately that I had known during that night that joy comes in the morning. And I wanted to remember. And until Thursday when I sat with my friend, I'd forgotten. Right now this hurts and there are regrets and disappointment but joy cometh in the morning, for me and Bob and ICC and everyone involved.

Why I Seek God

Things have changed over the last few years. I used to listen to tapes daily because I knew how easy it would be to just stop doing it and then life would get crazy. Now, I do it because I've literally watched how quickly my natural sinful self can revert back to zero parts Christ-like. I "knew" it before in my head. Now I've seen the cesspool of my own heart apart from God. Last week I didn't sit right down after this and have my quiet time with God. In fact, I didn't at all until Wednesday - nearly a week. And not a proper one until Friday. Ugh. And the results were that by Thursday what was coming out of me was sewage. I was frustrated with everyone, angry, critical, upset, overwhelmed. Then Friday I sat down and heard a word or two from God. And I got up feeling so loved that it still freaks me out a little. Father you are amazing.

Day of Rest

Maybe this is just the time of year when I don't want to miss anything. Maybe it's just that there are so many extra things to do. Whatever the reason, I'm not so good at scheduling in a day to just be. And my quiet time with God gets very difficult to honor. Seems like the crazier life gets the more I need God and the harder it is to get to Him through all the chaos. I did stuff in the evenings every day this week and I missed my quiet time at least 3 times already. And now, here I am on Saturday almost to evening and I feel like I'm already behind the 8 ball. So I'm going to finish up here, catch up on some blogs and then sit down and catch up with God. Yep - that's the plan.

Always a challenge

It seems like God loves to see us grow. I guess that isn't a big surprise and slowly, I'm learning to thank Him for those challenges.

I know how I react to challenges at work. When something comes up that I worry about whether I can accomplish or not, I panic and freak out. And yet even then, in those times at work when I've compartmentalized and forgot that God is in control there, He was kind enough to remind me that He is in control. And I survived every challenge and I'm slowly learning that He gives me those things so I can trust in Him and relax a bit - and the work gets done. Usually better than I expected. Sometimes I make God so small.

But in spite of learning this lesson at work, it has been hard to move the lesson over to all things church. It's almost like I have to learn these things in each part of my life before they stick. And since serving God within His church is a new thing for me, I HAVE LOTS OF LESSONS THAT NEED A'LEARNIN'!!!!! As we live out this holiday season, I am making a vow to give a lot more than I get. Not presents -half the time people can't even recall what we get them. I want to start the day with God giving him my answer to whatever He calls me. And I want to offer what I have to Him by giving kindness and effort to others. I've been learning I have a lot of work to do with that. I still live in my comfortable shell too much. Thus the fun lessons that He throws my way. Challenges to grow into the child that He knew from the start.

Neglecting a Big Job

This week I've been struck by the struggles that my husband is having. He's in a pretty rough patch. In fact, I'd say he seems to be in one of the more brutal yet subtle struggles I've seen him in. And there is so much at stake. He's struggling with relationships of all kinds and his bad habits that affect those relationships. If you think about it, that is about as comprehensive of an area as you can get. And if you know him, you will know that this is VERY difficult for him. He has immense difficulty with relationships. There is something at the root of it and it's a mystery right now. He's balking at things in a very reactive way and I can almost catch a glimpse of what's eating him and then it's gone. So I pray. And I've prayed for him a great deal recently. But one thing I regularly fail to remember is that I am his biggest support system. My words are either the wind beneath his wings or the bat that knock him out of the sky. Ouch. Not only is he relatively new to his walk with Jesus but he's a ministry leader. That's a lot. Big expectations of him. And quite literally he is Moses saying, "Dude, I think you have the wrong guy. Have you seen me? Really?" But God has seen him. I know our Father and I know that He loves Bob so much and this is what this pain is about. He has a new name for Bob and right now Bob's in the wrestling match of his life. Father, I cannot pray on his struggle because I want it to stop but I want him to be more like you. So I pray that you will make me into the wife I need to be to him through this. In your Son.

God sees the end

I was just reading my devotion for the early morning and something that wasn't even the point of it struck me. Because God doesn't see things in linear time, He sees His completed work in me. Now isn't now. It's who I become when He's finished. It's who I was to Him from the beginning.

He doesn't see the Dena that ignored Him when it came to relationships and sexuality.
He doesn't see the Dena that thought that going to church was optional or that I didn't need anyone's help to grow closer to Him.
He doesn't see the Dena that seeks comfort in food.
He doesn't see the the Dena that rolls her eyes at authority and criticism.

My amazing God sees the DONE Dena in the five foot seven and a half chunk of clay even though it really just looks like a lump to everyone else. Wonder what He sees.......

He's not finished with me yet. Praise God and Hallelujah - He's not finished with me yet.

The single strands of slavery

Wow - this is one powerful post.

http://http://livingproofministries.blogspot.com/2009/10/like-slaves-in-search-of-little-masters.html

Tiny strands that grow to enslave us one part at a time. Eating, organizing or planning, hobbies, exercise. Anything can take over and become our master. And it may not be bad alone, but left to the devices of the lord of this world, it can trap us so handily that we cannot get out.

Being Blessed vs. Being a Blessing

Last week before the proverbial doo-doo hit the fan, I heard a message from one of the online churches I listen to. It was an amazing lesson delivered by a guy that seriously looked like he was about 12, but wow, what a power packed message. It hit me hard and this was BEFORE I got a really rough message from God. The basic message was this: we set all these goals for ourselves spiritually and if we are honest, we want God to bless our socks off over attaining them. But what if, that was only half the story. What if OUR TRUE GOAL as a Christ-follower is to BE a BLESSING. Seriously, I follow Jesus for a number of different reasons and He knows that most of them are self interested at heart. But the older I get, the more I realize that isn't the end.

I had the wonderful opportunity two weeks ago to reunite with an old friend that I have not seen since 1987. Before this message I couldn't figure out why I was so filled with remorse after seeing her. Then I heard this message and it was clear. For SO LONG, I didn't regret anything in my life - and I SAID it was because I knew the things that I did, even if wrong, made me into the person I am today. Ugh. Even typing that now is painful. There was little consideration for the pain and anguish I had caused A BUNCH of people in my life who did NOTHING to deserve it. I was focused on my growth goals.

And so I thought upon my friendship with Beth. She was absolutely wonderful to me - kind and thoughtful gifts like the picture of the baby because she knew I wanted to be a mom so much (which is weird because I don't remember that) and writing a speech about how much she'd miss me to give in English. She even told me about one that I didn't know. She gave Bo money to buy me a VanHalen tshirt at the concert. And here's the rub. I was NEVER as good to her as she deserved. SHE was a blessing to me. I had no designs on BEING a blessing to her. What an abyssmal picture that painted.

And then last week's catastrophic humbling happened and I realized I wasn't being a blessing to a lot of people. I was looking for them to bless me and encourage me and make me feel special (God included) and I was decidedly NOT being purposeful about BEING a blessing to them.

The pastor delivering the message suggested that we create some BLESSING GOALS for ourselves and I think for me, that is LONG OVERDUE. I probably need to start small so here's three for me until the end of the year:

1. Be intentional in my words and be encouraging with my church family. If the words aren't encouraging or building up, don't say them.

2. Show that I value people in my life by LISTENING IN LOVE.

3. When there are opportunities to bless others even at the risk of my inconvenience, MAKE the decision that will glorify God - BLESS THEM.

Heavy Heart

This week has just really been difficult. I think the stuff that happened might be a little too raw to process but somehow I still felt compelled to mark it here and now. I had a eye-opening and painful week learning about myself the hard way. I compared it to the moment Toto pulled the curtain back to reveal Oz was nothing but a funny looking guy. Except my Toto was someone that I respect and my revelation was worse than being funny looking. I thought I had this respect for authority thing canned. Work now is amazing and I recognize Joel is my boss. Where I used to be upset and feel like I could do it better or that something was being done poorly, I just accept and move on. Most of the time, I don't even get upset.

And then came a new organization that I'd never been part of in quite this intimate way - the body of Christ. A place where I should be embracing my place because God put me there. And ever since its started, I've struggled in one way or another. Submitting to Bob as a wife, as a vocalist on the stage under his leadership in the band, and then and now, to other church leadership. I know this is my biggest weakness. I'm not in charge - at all. And it irks me. And I don't like that it bugs me. But I chafe under the authority and so then I gripe and get mad and frustrated and critical and judgmental. And then I really don't like me. And then I do lots of things that are fruitless attempts to placate the fact that I'm disappointed in the person that I am.

And all this becomes abundantly clear on the very day we start the bible study "Life's Healing Choices." When we prepared for it, I had other ideas about what my problem was. And those other things are clearly still issues. But this problem with authority is ruining my ability to serve God. I think God wanted me to be aware that it wasn't licked yet. Over the last four years or so, God has done wonderful things in my life with this but it's like I thought I had let Him house clean and all of a sudden realized that there was a ballroom in the house that was still full of this muck. Let me clarify that by "realized" I mean that probably one of the LAST people I wanted to know that I had this kind of screwed up defect in me was the one person to lovingly and honestly hit me with a 2x4 with the truth of it. I've never been so humiliated over my own weakness. Never. Because this was 100% my sin problem. I've been as sad as this before but never due to my own things. I'm glad that it happened. Thanking God that He loves me enough not to let me get away with this stuff anymore - but still wrecked by it. And the enemy gets in my head and tempts me to make this about unfairness and someone else's issues.... and I have to make a choice to let this be about God and me and what He wants to get in there and do in my life. I'm embarrassed but I am blessed to be going through this. Father, please help me submit to your authority in my life - in every part of my life that you have carefully and omnisciently planned.