Emma - Desperate for the Lost

My sister told me this story the other day that made my heart hurt. Lest I forget - this whole pool thing has made me think about how much work God has to do with me - with finances and what makes my heart hurt. The pool made my heart hurt. Ugh.

Emma is seven and she's a smart cookie but I learned something very important about the heart of a child from her.

Here's what Carrie told us:

Somehow they were discussing that someone was not allowed to have a manger scene and Emma asked why. Carrie told her that some people don't believe in God and so they get very upset when people do anything that reminds them of God. Emma began to get visibly upset and asked why they didn't believe and said, "But they won't go to heaven!" At this point she became so upset she began to cry, very inconsolably, being very aware of where people went that didn't believe in Jesus. Carrie did exactly what I would have done. She tried to calm her down by distancing her from the subject that was upsetting her.

Later, Carrie went back to her. My sister had been thinking about Emma's reaction and she sat down with her and said, "Emma, I'm sorry I told you not to get so upset about people not going to heaven. That's really how all of us should feel about people who don't know Jesus."

Maybe if all of our hearts broke for the lost like little Emma's, we would all see NOT sharing our faith as the harder of the two options. We would act past our discomfort and accept that even a rejection may bring another person that much closer to the saving work of Jesus Christ. God bless you Emma and the heart for Jesus that you have. I pray that God preserves that heart broken for Him and puts it to great work in your life and His Kingdom. Amen.

Crazy Clown Car

I just have to post this funny thing. That 18ft collapsed pool? We fit the WHOLE thing (less the vinyl liner which went to the garbage) in the back of the civic thanks to a handy guy with a sawzall!!!! SUVs my behind!! Civics are workhorses!

We loaded it up to take it to the scrap yard - thought we might get a few bucks..... Alas, this place didn't scrap steel and we didn't get anything but that's okay. They took it from us without charging anything for disposal.

A fresh start with a bit of pineapple

Today is a new day and thank you Lord for that. Yesterday I got VERY overwhelmed by life. No vacation, busy job, busier life, lots of stuff on the to do list. I emailed Bob mid-day and started to cry. Nothing he said changed it - he tried to be encouraging and help me remove some of the craziness that was freaking me out.

But a friend from church dropped by to provide some much needed reassurance and two additional smiling faces - one that was adorable and 17 months and one that was another good friend. I was reminded that we were getting a pool and that it was all going to work out okay with the deck and all.

And while I was grabbing some basil for my eager friend, I saw again that my sweet little garnish-size pineapple had been ripening. Bright yellow - at least on one side. So I picked it - in a rush, even a tizzy. And after my friends left, I cut it up and I took two delicious bites of a tiny fruit that I had invested three years in. I wasn't sad it was done - I lopped off the crown and was eager to get a new one started. Three years for two bites and it changed my night. Took me from frazzled to hopeful.

I know that life seems crazy right now but God has a plan. I am ridiculously impatient in the short term but in the long term, he's been changing my heart, making me wait things out so I can see his glorious plan. 10 years from unbelieving husband to godly man, worship leader and spiritual leader of our home. A lifetime of selfish behavior slowly pared a little at a time to more sharing and praying that I will become desperate for the lost. Arms length distance from letting God in all the rooms of my life - now opening and redecorating one door at a time. He can handle the little stuff. The day to day. Days like yesterday I somehow think he wants me to handle that. Nope.

I'm learning. A lot and then a little. And a little bit of pineapple was all it took to remind me.

Decisions, Distraction and Discouragement

This about sums up my last 10 days. Doing research on pool replacement, falling off the good eating and workout wagon and also distracted away from my morning quiet times with God. And as a result, yuck-yuck-yuck. I'm not surprised at how I feel as a result but I'm so disappointed in myself. I have to get back on track and right now the catch up seems overwhelming both at work and home. I get in places like this - RUTS - where the sides seem so steep that I can't crawl out on my own. Hmmm. I know the answer but I seem to distant from attaining it. How about instead of blogging, I try going to the source and getting this worked out? Not me resolving but God resolving. Hoping my next post is about resolutions....

Pool-less

I know it's silly to be sad over a pool. I know it's just a thing. No one was hurt, nothing other than the pool was damaged. But I am having a hard time with this. It was my consolation prize for no summer vacation. It was my happy thought when I thought about not getting a day off all summer. It was my reward after a day of work.

And with the pool water swooshed out security and comfort. This week I've been an anxious mess worrying about everything from the weeds in the lawn to the rust on the fence to the sag in the stone wall. Chang ching - Chang ching - Chang ching. Money. Costs a lot to replace one of these. And then there's the fact that everyone comes here for the pool. Saylor reunion next year, visits from family. Ugh. It just makes me so sad. I think it was THE thing that made me love this house.

We're getting a new one. Bob seems confident of that but typical me panics and must have right now.

So it's no wonder for the last two days I've been bombarded with reminders from GOD not to let my pool be the idol it apparently was. And DO NOT WORRY. Phil 4:6, 1 Peter 5:7, Matt 6:25-34. Another reminder that although I sometimes feel like I've come a long way, I am one mini-tidal wave from falling right down. Glad God loves me even in this disappointing state.

Too Busy Not to Pray Study

Life is going well! Our bible study is something we really look forward to each week. It's awesome getting to know new people and share our lives with each other. Also great getting to know my sister-in-law better. Been so grateful lately for the wisdom God is giving me with that. Last week during the communion service I felt like the Spirit was strongly encouraging me to talk to Missie about the jealousy and apologize for the way it comes out. Basically since I'm envious, I act overly critical and superior in my head about other things. Unattractive to say the least. I've been praying about it. I let her know that I was sorry for being mean and critical and I wanted to fix that because she's my sister (in more than one way) and I loved that we were getting closer and I didn't want that between us. She was very forgiving and said that she hadn't noticed anything like that but I assured her that God wanted me to ask for forgiveness so He could get it out there. I have to admit that sometimes I'm a big meany - and in order to fix it, I really have to admit it. I've already found myself less critical. God works in mysterious ways..... :)

And another example (just for the week!) of successful prayer is Bob. He's been reading the 5 love languages and he's made some significant effort. I need to work harder too.... But it's just awesome to see how quickly God can start to work on things that we persistently pray about.

I love how God works!! And as our book is reminding us, the greatest motivator for prayer is answered prayer!

Mission Call

Sunday night I was able to attend the commisioning service for my friend Jenn as she departs for Malawi with a team from the Pittsburgh Presbytery for a 10 day trip. I am so excited for her and cannot wait to talk with her after she returns home to see how God uses this to deepen His presence in her life. The message the pastor gave was clear, this trip was a calling on them to be there at this time and each of them was being called to bring all that they had to this trip for God to use. Jenn and I have just recently rekindled our friendship and it is HUGELY exciting to see how God is in the middle of that newly rediscovered friendship. I am so proud to be her friend and am honored that I could be there to see her blessed like this.

While I was there I felt a longing for service. It was a combination of the Saturday community outreach giving out water that we coordinated for our small group and Tommy pushing me the previous week to go in and talk with a new person. Both were things I DID NOT want to do. Tommy challenged me and he challenged our group and truth be told - I liked doing both of those things even though I fought it. It seems that I don't do things that make me uncomfortable without a good bit of prodding. But a part of me knows that the discomfort is SO POWERFUL in the growth process. I long to be that uncomfortable again. I keep thinking back to the discomfort of my trip to the Caribbean with Clarence and in particular my climb up the saw grass steeps of El Toro. Tears and pain and frustation. And the biggest physical accomplishment of my life and the greatest sense of achievement. And I was far from God then because of some choices I was making. Most of the prodding came from a professor who I dearly loved. Can you even imagine being prodded by the loving all powerful God of the Universe and what an answer to that call might mean? Honestly, I can't fathom it. But someday I hope to go. Where? I don't know. When? I don't know. I especially don't know how. But someday I hope He asks and I say yes.

Loving IT!

The small group study I am leading right now is on Bill Hybel's book "Too Busy Not to Pray." It's encouraged me to take up journaling my prayers again and do something else that I haven't done in awhile - review my earlier prayers. It is truly amazing. Today, I read the prayer that I prayed on 12/25/2007 and it was astonishing the love that I gushed for God. Particularly interesting because I am having trouble right now in the adoration department of my prayer life. It was so genuine my wonder at where life had so recently been in comparison to where God was pointing us. I think right now I have to unlearn some things about my prayer life - something that has me checking off a box each day that I did it. I am such an organization freak that I think I lose some of the intensity of it because I'm just doing it - going through the motions. And as the song says, "Don't want to go through the motions, don't want to go one more day without your all consuming power inside of me. Don't want to spend my whole life asking, what if I had given everything, instead of going through the motions." So that is my prayer right now, whatever is holding me back, whatever I am doing or not doing in disobedience to God - please get rid of it!!! As I look back at my prayers for that day, I was begging for humility and obedience. He gave it. And so I beg for it even deeper. God give me what I am afraid to get.

Again - so very long!!

In the last 7 weeks my work life has changed enormously. It went from fearfully perilous to comfortably efficient. On June 3, the parent company I work for laid off half of their staff and cut our portion of the company off from any financial assistance. It changed everything. The place I hoped I would work until I no longer worked changed. It was no longer safe and secure. It went from being a family to being a job. I went from having a home away from home to an office again. I know it was supposed to be that way. Maybe God saw that I was becoming too comfortable and relying too much on that ease. It changed and so I began looking at things different. And things became very different. No longer was there an odd supervisory relationship between me and several EIP employees. Where there was once an authority exerted over me to establish the hierarchy, now there was no support at all. It was disappointing. But Joel was back to being my direct boss. Over these last few weeks, we've re-established our close relationship. He's sought my help with decisions and I've renewed my respect for the way he's been handling things - calmly and with a level rational head. He's been encouraging and grateful. And I've made sure that he knows that I'm here until they tell me to go.

I no longer have someone to back me up if I had a day off. So when I found out that EIP was working 8-4 shifts which I couldn't take advantage of, I asked Joel to let me work from home. He agreed and before the end of last month I was working from home. It's been a balancing act. I think I'm doing okay for the time being but balance has never been my thing. I feel like I've been getting a lot done at work and home is benefitting too.

So now I'm back. Lots of other things have happened over that time. Good stuff. Growing stuff. But that will wait. I'll catch this up soon enough now that life is back to strange normal..... :)

Lessons on the Commute

I got in the car this morning on the verge of overwrought over money. I decided that I needed to spend some time being quiet with God in the car – listening. I talked to Him and prayed some but I found my mind wandering a lot. So by the time I got through the light at Musik Innovations, I was way out there. So as I started up the hill, I think God said, “FOCUS!!!” Loudly. Seriously. So I did. I started telling Him how amazing He is and how much He’s done in my life…..

And out of nowhere, on the way up the hill, a little doe was walking across traffic. No warning except the brake lights of a car ahead of it and to the right (I was in the fast lane). The doe was ahead of me and I saw it and slowed way down – oddly in plenty of time to slow down, which really doesn’t make sense since it was all of sudden just there and I was probably going at least 40. It got confused, looked at me, and jumped the barrier and safely crossed with no traffic coming down the hill.

SOOOO!!! Since my mind was with finances it turned back there. If a little focus can save that idiot deer from getting smashed in traffic (and me from the drivers behind me that had to slam on the brakes) financial recovery should be a manageable task for God with a little focus from us……. I think if we pray and listen, he’ll let us know what path he wants us to take….