Saturday we did the hardest thing we've ever had to do in our lives. We took Gibson in to the vet and didn't bring him home. I can't really write more of it yet but it was the right thing and the worst thing and both Bob and I hurt so much it feels like it won't ever heal. I keep praying that God takes away that image of her carrying away that lifeless body when moments before I was hugging that soft, snuggly, quivering creature who was counting on me to take care of him......
Monday, December 20, 2010
Friday, December 10, 2010
I know my God
God has been with us and answered my prayers over the last few days. Gibson is responding to the medication and we have enjoyed the last few days with him and hope to have some more to come. I don't know how many we'll get but God has answered that prayer too - I'm just taking things a day at a time. Enjoying hearing him continue to try and bark, relishing as he fusses over his guests, eats like a king, and taking in every snuggle.
At one point I was pretty devastated because even in my dog loving family, we believed God's silence on what happened to our pets meant that once they were gone, they were gone. That's no consolation to a childless couple whose only babies are their dependent pets. I was talking to my sister - the one I call when I need the truth delivered. Everyone must have an Emily - someone who gives it to you straight with no sugar. And I received a different message than I expected. And although I'm taking liberties, this is what she said:
"So you don't have any verses that are easy to cling to. There are a lot of specific things that the Bible is silent about. What you do now is look at the character of the God you know. That should be enough. He redeems His creation to Himself. And in fact and in practice, your dog is His creation, in so many ways designed carefully by Him and in this case, especially yours."
She's right. The book of Esther has no mention of the name of God, yet His handprint is all over ever word of the book in lives of those people. God's all over this too and although I don't know specifics, I know God loves His creation and the dying it experiences was brought about by sin that His creation didn't choose, all the more reason to believe in its perfect restoration.
At one point I was pretty devastated because even in my dog loving family, we believed God's silence on what happened to our pets meant that once they were gone, they were gone. That's no consolation to a childless couple whose only babies are their dependent pets. I was talking to my sister - the one I call when I need the truth delivered. Everyone must have an Emily - someone who gives it to you straight with no sugar. And I received a different message than I expected. And although I'm taking liberties, this is what she said:
"So you don't have any verses that are easy to cling to. There are a lot of specific things that the Bible is silent about. What you do now is look at the character of the God you know. That should be enough. He redeems His creation to Himself. And in fact and in practice, your dog is His creation, in so many ways designed carefully by Him and in this case, especially yours."
She's right. The book of Esther has no mention of the name of God, yet His handprint is all over ever word of the book in lives of those people. God's all over this too and although I don't know specifics, I know God loves His creation and the dying it experiences was brought about by sin that His creation didn't choose, all the more reason to believe in its perfect restoration.
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
A day at a time
I realized something about myself last night. My inability to live in the present really is crippling sometimes.
I suppose I've always known that I mull over the past and overplan the future. As a result, I spend a lot of time overthinking words I've said or situations in which I wished I'd done something different. Conversely, I spend just as much, if not more time worrying about the future. Really overridden with anxiety and dread sometimes. Like now.
While Bob - a very "in the moment" sort of guy - spends the time we have left with Gibson enjoying him, I could very well waste the time sobbing over what I'm going to do without him.
But then, isn't that how God must see my every days? He wants me to live with his daily manna. I know He's going to give me enough to get me through. Enough to have joy in a moment. Enough to have some of the most memorable times with my dog even now while he's sick.
For people who don't have dogs and don't get dog lovers, this parallel with my relationship to God may seem trite. But I believe with all my heart that He put Gibson in my life to not only teach me patience and kindness but to model the kind of unconditional love that He offers us. It really never matters how selfish I am - Gibson loves me anyway. It never matters that I've got no time for him and that he is on my last nerve - he loves me just the same. And sought me out to love me just the same the same as if I opened my arms.
Jesus didn't spend his 33 years of life mourning his eventual death. He lived and lived so fully that it serves as a template to all of us. A life full of joy and meaning. I need to live that way right now and it's going to take some work. I could pray that Gibson will be healed but that doesn't seem likely and I can't know if that's God's will for us. But I can pray with full confidence, knowing that He will answer, for the peace that comes with His sufficiency to meet the need of my day each morning. With joy and peace and love. I know He wants that. He wants that for me now when it's hard and He wants that for me for always.
I suppose I've always known that I mull over the past and overplan the future. As a result, I spend a lot of time overthinking words I've said or situations in which I wished I'd done something different. Conversely, I spend just as much, if not more time worrying about the future. Really overridden with anxiety and dread sometimes. Like now.
While Bob - a very "in the moment" sort of guy - spends the time we have left with Gibson enjoying him, I could very well waste the time sobbing over what I'm going to do without him.
But then, isn't that how God must see my every days? He wants me to live with his daily manna. I know He's going to give me enough to get me through. Enough to have joy in a moment. Enough to have some of the most memorable times with my dog even now while he's sick.
For people who don't have dogs and don't get dog lovers, this parallel with my relationship to God may seem trite. But I believe with all my heart that He put Gibson in my life to not only teach me patience and kindness but to model the kind of unconditional love that He offers us. It really never matters how selfish I am - Gibson loves me anyway. It never matters that I've got no time for him and that he is on my last nerve - he loves me just the same. And sought me out to love me just the same the same as if I opened my arms.
Jesus didn't spend his 33 years of life mourning his eventual death. He lived and lived so fully that it serves as a template to all of us. A life full of joy and meaning. I need to live that way right now and it's going to take some work. I could pray that Gibson will be healed but that doesn't seem likely and I can't know if that's God's will for us. But I can pray with full confidence, knowing that He will answer, for the peace that comes with His sufficiency to meet the need of my day each morning. With joy and peace and love. I know He wants that. He wants that for me now when it's hard and He wants that for me for always.
Gibson
When I first began blogging, it was in memorial to my grandmother, the summer before she passed away. The reactivation of the blog seemed this time to not be connected to sadness and death.
But yesterday morning I took my beagle Gibson to the vet because while still energetic as a goofball, had been laboring in his breath since Friday night. The news was not good. All indications point to lung cancer and the prognosis is bleak - they hope he'll make it to Christmas. Seems crazy and unfair and just horribly sad.
Yesterday was relatively terrible. Not for him. He's still bopping around because he can't understand vet language. I'm sure he doesn't get while I'm crying all the time either. I called my pet loving family on both sides and they were devastated too.
You see, Gibson was the first real commitment for Bob and I. 13 years ago we got engaged in September and in March we picked up a new 6 week old puppy that never made it back home. We picked him out when he was still very tiny and allowed to stay inside but he was the offspring of two hunting dogs (Hook and Juliette) and was sent back to living in a run with a little warming room. It was winter and so cold and at least one puppy had died already when it wandered out into the run. So we got our vet's okay to keep him and he never lived outside again. He's come a long way since then sleeping on a memory foam mattress between the two of us for the last near 13 years...... :)
Bob wasn't a dog person. His sister had a beagle when she lived at home but they hadn't grown up with dogs. So I don't think he realized when I asked him to come with me to see them after they were born that there was no way we'd come home without picking one out. He was hooked by that furry little poofball from the very beginning. We picked him because he was the most uniquely marked of all them - all dark on his back. His name was Dagny (girl dog name) from that time until we took him to the vet and Dr. Childress told us she was a he :).
So I guess for a time, I'll record some of these stories of the life and time of the very best friend a couple could ever have. I can promise you that as I write these, I will be sad and probably sobbing but writing them is my way of celebrating his life.
But yesterday morning I took my beagle Gibson to the vet because while still energetic as a goofball, had been laboring in his breath since Friday night. The news was not good. All indications point to lung cancer and the prognosis is bleak - they hope he'll make it to Christmas. Seems crazy and unfair and just horribly sad.
Yesterday was relatively terrible. Not for him. He's still bopping around because he can't understand vet language. I'm sure he doesn't get while I'm crying all the time either. I called my pet loving family on both sides and they were devastated too.
You see, Gibson was the first real commitment for Bob and I. 13 years ago we got engaged in September and in March we picked up a new 6 week old puppy that never made it back home. We picked him out when he was still very tiny and allowed to stay inside but he was the offspring of two hunting dogs (Hook and Juliette) and was sent back to living in a run with a little warming room. It was winter and so cold and at least one puppy had died already when it wandered out into the run. So we got our vet's okay to keep him and he never lived outside again. He's come a long way since then sleeping on a memory foam mattress between the two of us for the last near 13 years...... :)
Bob wasn't a dog person. His sister had a beagle when she lived at home but they hadn't grown up with dogs. So I don't think he realized when I asked him to come with me to see them after they were born that there was no way we'd come home without picking one out. He was hooked by that furry little poofball from the very beginning. We picked him because he was the most uniquely marked of all them - all dark on his back. His name was Dagny (girl dog name) from that time until we took him to the vet and Dr. Childress told us she was a he :).
So I guess for a time, I'll record some of these stories of the life and time of the very best friend a couple could ever have. I can promise you that as I write these, I will be sad and probably sobbing but writing them is my way of celebrating his life.
Saturday, December 4, 2010
Unreasonable
This week I read a review of Matthew 10:8b "freely you received, freely give" that noted that the word for freely is also translated unreasonably. Unreasonable service. Interesting.
For so much of my early adult life, I didn't get service. I knew I should want to serve out of my love for Jesus but that wasn't where my desire to participate in service projects came from. I thought it would be fun and personally fullfilling and deep down, I knew I'd feel pretty good when I saw how others viewed me.
As my relationship with Christ has grown, serving has certainly felt different. My desire to serve comes from a near urgency to share the overflow in my heart of what God has given me. It is amazing how God has changed my motivations and yet far exceeds the benefits I youthfully and naively calculated.
As we enter a universal season of giving, as Christians, we are challenged to make the giving different. Unreasonable service and giving motivated by an unreasonable grace from our Father. May this be the message we deliver.
Challenging my faith
I have an old friend that has been testing the waters of faith for several months now. She lives in Texas and our contact has mostly been through a social networking site but several nights ago, I took the leap and asked her outright where she was in her faith and with God. She shared her story and in turn, I shared mine. I was so excited.
Then I did a little research into a book she had connected with. I had intended to read it so we could have a dialogue and the more I read about the book, the more my heart sunk. I noticed a feeling like panic and I began to struggle with the idea of reading the book. So I prayed about it and talked to a few friends. I looked deep inside to find out why the idea of reading it was bothering me. And the answers weren't pretty. I know I have a non-negotiable belief in the God-breathed Scriptures but I think deep down, I'm scared of reading something challenging that makes sense. I'm afraid of my own gullibility. But even more, I am underestimating the power of the Holy Spirit to give me discernment. In this case, I am pleading with Jesus as that father of the sick child did - "I believe! Please help my unbelief!" I still don't know if I'll read the book so I'll keep parying for surety of faith and confidence in God and wisdom. I KNOW that He is sufficient for every need.
Then I did a little research into a book she had connected with. I had intended to read it so we could have a dialogue and the more I read about the book, the more my heart sunk. I noticed a feeling like panic and I began to struggle with the idea of reading the book. So I prayed about it and talked to a few friends. I looked deep inside to find out why the idea of reading it was bothering me. And the answers weren't pretty. I know I have a non-negotiable belief in the God-breathed Scriptures but I think deep down, I'm scared of reading something challenging that makes sense. I'm afraid of my own gullibility. But even more, I am underestimating the power of the Holy Spirit to give me discernment. In this case, I am pleading with Jesus as that father of the sick child did - "I believe! Please help my unbelief!" I still don't know if I'll read the book so I'll keep parying for surety of faith and confidence in God and wisdom. I KNOW that He is sufficient for every need.
And I'm back!
Well, in May I decided I couldn't keep up with the blog and that it was doing more to distract than help. Surprise! God has brought me back here. And so much has happened in the last few months.
We have returned to Iron City Church. The old pastor has departed to build another church and a new pastor arrived. In September, much to our sadness, Memorial Park terminated their Sunday 10:15am Contemporary service. This left us looking for a church again. So we headed back one week to hear our two friends preach one week. From then on it was clear that God wanted us back at ICC with a new pastor that has a completely pure vision for ICC - one that is following in the direction of God - not of men. Although it has still been tough as some wounds have only surface healing.
Fortunately, God has also been hard at work to keep us connected with Memorial Park. One connection that has remained is what prompted my reopening of the blog - the Noble Mind Community. It is the online community for MPC and the coordinator has asked me to be a regular contributor. It is very exciting and probably more intimidating than it should be. This blog should help me to sort out some of the thoughts coursing through my scattered brain so I can send them a few posts each week. Please pray that I'll let it be exactly what God has planned for it.
We have returned to Iron City Church. The old pastor has departed to build another church and a new pastor arrived. In September, much to our sadness, Memorial Park terminated their Sunday 10:15am Contemporary service. This left us looking for a church again. So we headed back one week to hear our two friends preach one week. From then on it was clear that God wanted us back at ICC with a new pastor that has a completely pure vision for ICC - one that is following in the direction of God - not of men. Although it has still been tough as some wounds have only surface healing.
Fortunately, God has also been hard at work to keep us connected with Memorial Park. One connection that has remained is what prompted my reopening of the blog - the Noble Mind Community. It is the online community for MPC and the coordinator has asked me to be a regular contributor. It is very exciting and probably more intimidating than it should be. This blog should help me to sort out some of the thoughts coursing through my scattered brain so I can send them a few posts each week. Please pray that I'll let it be exactly what God has planned for it.
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