Things still sting. I still feel like there is an emptiness. I'm very emotional.
BUT GOD, has bigger plans for us. I know this because, we went to Memorial Park last week and I loved worship like I haven't loved it in awhile. And both of us had very emotional reactions to the worship music. It was me and God and the words on that screen and that's all I needed in those moments and it's all I could offer Him.
We're in the waiting room and He's asking us to stay there for awhile. And part of me wants to cry for my broken heart and another part wants to defend but neither are what God wants. I feel like God wants us to wait and pray and pray some more. I know He has plans for both of us and I know He uses things like this in mighty ways. I just want to make sure I'm listening. Intently.
Monday, December 28, 2009
Sunday, December 20, 2009
Kind of an Earthquake of Change
It's only been a bit less than a week and I don't even know where to begin. Bob resigned as worship leader last Sunday and I was in a verbal jousting match with a virtual stranger that end up skewering my vocals to the point it has me needing to take a break from singing so I can adjust.
Sounds simple until you factor in one part - God's people (including me and Bob) can royally (pun intended) screw up His plans. Let me just say that no one involved skirts fault in this - we all have our signature sins stamped all over it. No excuses but we were all up to our eyeballs in doing other things that some of the important stuff wasn't attended to. I've laughed at this over the last two years but ICC's sign, More Jesus Less Crap was what drew us. But it hadn't even launched then - so it was still true. Two years later, there's plenty of crap. God didn't design it as part of the church, we carried it in - on our shoes, in our purses, on our backs, when we walked in the door.
I'm tired over it but things are getting clearer. My schedule is actually absurdly free this week and so is Bob's. He took Friday off and I actually caught him reading a FICTION book out in the livingroom!!!! We both desperately needed the time off but would never have taken it to this degree.
So this morning we are going to check out another church. We'll probably check out a bunch of them over the course of the next couple of months. And then hopefully, God will have healed some broken hearts and some conversations will have taken place, and we'll go back to a place we feel like is home.
This week I was reminded that such a painful thing is part of how God grows us. And a good friend and a very wise woman sat across from me practically giddy with excitement about what God intended for us through such a painful experience. And I remembered that during one of the Beth Moore studies, I remembered learning about "Joy cometh in the morning." Such darkness - some of it even brought on by bad decisions and unfortunate choices and sinful actions that I chose - led to the night that was 2005. But joy came in the morning - it was all part of the path that led to ICC and a Subway in 2007. And I wished so desperately that I had known during that night that joy comes in the morning. And I wanted to remember. And until Thursday when I sat with my friend, I'd forgotten. Right now this hurts and there are regrets and disappointment but joy cometh in the morning, for me and Bob and ICC and everyone involved.
Sounds simple until you factor in one part - God's people (including me and Bob) can royally (pun intended) screw up His plans. Let me just say that no one involved skirts fault in this - we all have our signature sins stamped all over it. No excuses but we were all up to our eyeballs in doing other things that some of the important stuff wasn't attended to. I've laughed at this over the last two years but ICC's sign, More Jesus Less Crap was what drew us. But it hadn't even launched then - so it was still true. Two years later, there's plenty of crap. God didn't design it as part of the church, we carried it in - on our shoes, in our purses, on our backs, when we walked in the door.
I'm tired over it but things are getting clearer. My schedule is actually absurdly free this week and so is Bob's. He took Friday off and I actually caught him reading a FICTION book out in the livingroom!!!! We both desperately needed the time off but would never have taken it to this degree.
So this morning we are going to check out another church. We'll probably check out a bunch of them over the course of the next couple of months. And then hopefully, God will have healed some broken hearts and some conversations will have taken place, and we'll go back to a place we feel like is home.
This week I was reminded that such a painful thing is part of how God grows us. And a good friend and a very wise woman sat across from me practically giddy with excitement about what God intended for us through such a painful experience. And I remembered that during one of the Beth Moore studies, I remembered learning about "Joy cometh in the morning." Such darkness - some of it even brought on by bad decisions and unfortunate choices and sinful actions that I chose - led to the night that was 2005. But joy came in the morning - it was all part of the path that led to ICC and a Subway in 2007. And I wished so desperately that I had known during that night that joy comes in the morning. And I wanted to remember. And until Thursday when I sat with my friend, I'd forgotten. Right now this hurts and there are regrets and disappointment but joy cometh in the morning, for me and Bob and ICC and everyone involved.
Saturday, December 12, 2009
Why I Seek God
Things have changed over the last few years. I used to listen to tapes daily because I knew how easy it would be to just stop doing it and then life would get crazy. Now, I do it because I've literally watched how quickly my natural sinful self can revert back to zero parts Christ-like. I "knew" it before in my head. Now I've seen the cesspool of my own heart apart from God. Last week I didn't sit right down after this and have my quiet time with God. In fact, I didn't at all until Wednesday - nearly a week. And not a proper one until Friday. Ugh. And the results were that by Thursday what was coming out of me was sewage. I was frustrated with everyone, angry, critical, upset, overwhelmed. Then Friday I sat down and heard a word or two from God. And I got up feeling so loved that it still freaks me out a little. Father you are amazing.
Saturday, December 5, 2009
Day of Rest
Maybe this is just the time of year when I don't want to miss anything. Maybe it's just that there are so many extra things to do. Whatever the reason, I'm not so good at scheduling in a day to just be. And my quiet time with God gets very difficult to honor. Seems like the crazier life gets the more I need God and the harder it is to get to Him through all the chaos. I did stuff in the evenings every day this week and I missed my quiet time at least 3 times already. And now, here I am on Saturday almost to evening and I feel like I'm already behind the 8 ball. So I'm going to finish up here, catch up on some blogs and then sit down and catch up with God. Yep - that's the plan.
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