Wow - this is one powerful post.
http://http://livingproofministries.blogspot.com/2009/10/like-slaves-in-search-of-little-masters.html
Tiny strands that grow to enslave us one part at a time. Eating, organizing or planning, hobbies, exercise. Anything can take over and become our master. And it may not be bad alone, but left to the devices of the lord of this world, it can trap us so handily that we cannot get out.
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Being Blessed vs. Being a Blessing
Last week before the proverbial doo-doo hit the fan, I heard a message from one of the online churches I listen to. It was an amazing lesson delivered by a guy that seriously looked like he was about 12, but wow, what a power packed message. It hit me hard and this was BEFORE I got a really rough message from God. The basic message was this: we set all these goals for ourselves spiritually and if we are honest, we want God to bless our socks off over attaining them. But what if, that was only half the story. What if OUR TRUE GOAL as a Christ-follower is to BE a BLESSING. Seriously, I follow Jesus for a number of different reasons and He knows that most of them are self interested at heart. But the older I get, the more I realize that isn't the end.
I had the wonderful opportunity two weeks ago to reunite with an old friend that I have not seen since 1987. Before this message I couldn't figure out why I was so filled with remorse after seeing her. Then I heard this message and it was clear. For SO LONG, I didn't regret anything in my life - and I SAID it was because I knew the things that I did, even if wrong, made me into the person I am today. Ugh. Even typing that now is painful. There was little consideration for the pain and anguish I had caused A BUNCH of people in my life who did NOTHING to deserve it. I was focused on my growth goals.
And so I thought upon my friendship with Beth. She was absolutely wonderful to me - kind and thoughtful gifts like the picture of the baby because she knew I wanted to be a mom so much (which is weird because I don't remember that) and writing a speech about how much she'd miss me to give in English. She even told me about one that I didn't know. She gave Bo money to buy me a VanHalen tshirt at the concert. And here's the rub. I was NEVER as good to her as she deserved. SHE was a blessing to me. I had no designs on BEING a blessing to her. What an abyssmal picture that painted.
And then last week's catastrophic humbling happened and I realized I wasn't being a blessing to a lot of people. I was looking for them to bless me and encourage me and make me feel special (God included) and I was decidedly NOT being purposeful about BEING a blessing to them.
The pastor delivering the message suggested that we create some BLESSING GOALS for ourselves and I think for me, that is LONG OVERDUE. I probably need to start small so here's three for me until the end of the year:
1. Be intentional in my words and be encouraging with my church family. If the words aren't encouraging or building up, don't say them.
2. Show that I value people in my life by LISTENING IN LOVE.
3. When there are opportunities to bless others even at the risk of my inconvenience, MAKE the decision that will glorify God - BLESS THEM.
I had the wonderful opportunity two weeks ago to reunite with an old friend that I have not seen since 1987. Before this message I couldn't figure out why I was so filled with remorse after seeing her. Then I heard this message and it was clear. For SO LONG, I didn't regret anything in my life - and I SAID it was because I knew the things that I did, even if wrong, made me into the person I am today. Ugh. Even typing that now is painful. There was little consideration for the pain and anguish I had caused A BUNCH of people in my life who did NOTHING to deserve it. I was focused on my growth goals.
And so I thought upon my friendship with Beth. She was absolutely wonderful to me - kind and thoughtful gifts like the picture of the baby because she knew I wanted to be a mom so much (which is weird because I don't remember that) and writing a speech about how much she'd miss me to give in English. She even told me about one that I didn't know. She gave Bo money to buy me a VanHalen tshirt at the concert. And here's the rub. I was NEVER as good to her as she deserved. SHE was a blessing to me. I had no designs on BEING a blessing to her. What an abyssmal picture that painted.
And then last week's catastrophic humbling happened and I realized I wasn't being a blessing to a lot of people. I was looking for them to bless me and encourage me and make me feel special (God included) and I was decidedly NOT being purposeful about BEING a blessing to them.
The pastor delivering the message suggested that we create some BLESSING GOALS for ourselves and I think for me, that is LONG OVERDUE. I probably need to start small so here's three for me until the end of the year:
1. Be intentional in my words and be encouraging with my church family. If the words aren't encouraging or building up, don't say them.
2. Show that I value people in my life by LISTENING IN LOVE.
3. When there are opportunities to bless others even at the risk of my inconvenience, MAKE the decision that will glorify God - BLESS THEM.
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Heavy Heart
This week has just really been difficult. I think the stuff that happened might be a little too raw to process but somehow I still felt compelled to mark it here and now. I had a eye-opening and painful week learning about myself the hard way. I compared it to the moment Toto pulled the curtain back to reveal Oz was nothing but a funny looking guy. Except my Toto was someone that I respect and my revelation was worse than being funny looking. I thought I had this respect for authority thing canned. Work now is amazing and I recognize Joel is my boss. Where I used to be upset and feel like I could do it better or that something was being done poorly, I just accept and move on. Most of the time, I don't even get upset.
And then came a new organization that I'd never been part of in quite this intimate way - the body of Christ. A place where I should be embracing my place because God put me there. And ever since its started, I've struggled in one way or another. Submitting to Bob as a wife, as a vocalist on the stage under his leadership in the band, and then and now, to other church leadership. I know this is my biggest weakness. I'm not in charge - at all. And it irks me. And I don't like that it bugs me. But I chafe under the authority and so then I gripe and get mad and frustrated and critical and judgmental. And then I really don't like me. And then I do lots of things that are fruitless attempts to placate the fact that I'm disappointed in the person that I am.
And all this becomes abundantly clear on the very day we start the bible study "Life's Healing Choices." When we prepared for it, I had other ideas about what my problem was. And those other things are clearly still issues. But this problem with authority is ruining my ability to serve God. I think God wanted me to be aware that it wasn't licked yet. Over the last four years or so, God has done wonderful things in my life with this but it's like I thought I had let Him house clean and all of a sudden realized that there was a ballroom in the house that was still full of this muck. Let me clarify that by "realized" I mean that probably one of the LAST people I wanted to know that I had this kind of screwed up defect in me was the one person to lovingly and honestly hit me with a 2x4 with the truth of it. I've never been so humiliated over my own weakness. Never. Because this was 100% my sin problem. I've been as sad as this before but never due to my own things. I'm glad that it happened. Thanking God that He loves me enough not to let me get away with this stuff anymore - but still wrecked by it. And the enemy gets in my head and tempts me to make this about unfairness and someone else's issues.... and I have to make a choice to let this be about God and me and what He wants to get in there and do in my life. I'm embarrassed but I am blessed to be going through this. Father, please help me submit to your authority in my life - in every part of my life that you have carefully and omnisciently planned.
And then came a new organization that I'd never been part of in quite this intimate way - the body of Christ. A place where I should be embracing my place because God put me there. And ever since its started, I've struggled in one way or another. Submitting to Bob as a wife, as a vocalist on the stage under his leadership in the band, and then and now, to other church leadership. I know this is my biggest weakness. I'm not in charge - at all. And it irks me. And I don't like that it bugs me. But I chafe under the authority and so then I gripe and get mad and frustrated and critical and judgmental. And then I really don't like me. And then I do lots of things that are fruitless attempts to placate the fact that I'm disappointed in the person that I am.
And all this becomes abundantly clear on the very day we start the bible study "Life's Healing Choices." When we prepared for it, I had other ideas about what my problem was. And those other things are clearly still issues. But this problem with authority is ruining my ability to serve God. I think God wanted me to be aware that it wasn't licked yet. Over the last four years or so, God has done wonderful things in my life with this but it's like I thought I had let Him house clean and all of a sudden realized that there was a ballroom in the house that was still full of this muck. Let me clarify that by "realized" I mean that probably one of the LAST people I wanted to know that I had this kind of screwed up defect in me was the one person to lovingly and honestly hit me with a 2x4 with the truth of it. I've never been so humiliated over my own weakness. Never. Because this was 100% my sin problem. I've been as sad as this before but never due to my own things. I'm glad that it happened. Thanking God that He loves me enough not to let me get away with this stuff anymore - but still wrecked by it. And the enemy gets in my head and tempts me to make this about unfairness and someone else's issues.... and I have to make a choice to let this be about God and me and what He wants to get in there and do in my life. I'm embarrassed but I am blessed to be going through this. Father, please help me submit to your authority in my life - in every part of my life that you have carefully and omnisciently planned.
Saturday, October 3, 2009
Dabbling with Fiction
Here's another thing I ran into. Marianne challenged me to try my hand at a story. I don't know - I don't think it's my thing. I love reading it but writing it is work. Here's what I came up with. May be my only foray into fiction writing.
Kara threw her keys down on the counter but not fast enough to keep the slew of mail from fluttering to the floor. She growled with frustration as she crouched down to gather it up. "
"Figures. Just the kind of day its been," as she pushed a clump of her stringy, wind oiled hair behind her ear.
She reached up and pressed play on her answering machine as she picked up the last piece of junk mail.
"Hi Auntie K! Its Maya - just wanted to see if you could help me pick out a subject for a bio paper. Due Friday. Call me. Love you! Buh-Bye!"
That kid. Kara smiled and shook her head. Just hearing her voice turned a a bad day good. She reached for the phone and hit the speed dial.
"Hey Chrissie - yeah, I know, she called and asked already."
"Geez, eleven? I hadn't realized it was so late - well, tell M to give me a call at the center tomorrow and I'll throw a few ideas at her."
"Um - no - I haven't had a chance to look for any cheap flights. But I will - I'll check this weekend maybe. See what's out there for late this month." She crunched the phone between her ear and neck juggling a stack of journals, maps and notebooks making her way to the coffee table.
"I will - I promise."
" I know just how long its been - I've just been so crazy with this new study getting started and now there's - "
"I know how much it would mean to her." She made an exaggerated nod and rolled her eyes as she made her way to the kitchen to check the bleak stock.
"I know but - " as she tore the top off a yogurt she began to scowl. A few bites and a few futile mumbled protests managed but to little avail.
"Okay then, like I said, I'll check and see, but I've gotta go. Give Cal a hug and tell M to call me tomorrow. Okay - love you too."
WOOF! Lately, all conversations with the north seemed to end like that. A mad scramble to avoid further lecturing. God bless family but the strings that yanked from over 600 miles away in western Pennsylvania seemed to be pulling harder - and with a little more viger.
Kara had been in Marathon, heart of the Florida Keys for over ten years and the going had been getting tougher in the family department. When she first made the move here, she had taken the trip north four or five times a year as if they'd been short jaunts to Miami. But these days, she saw her parents once a year at their time share here and that was it. Coordinating research projects at the Marine Mammal Preservation and Research Center was a three person job that knew no holidays and it was being done by one Kara Lynn Knapp. And as for Chrissie, Cal, and Maya - their lives had been busy and vacations closer to home. She thought hard - do I really know just how long its been? Nearly 2 years she'd seen them. She hated that but - it wouldn't be long. She needed to look up that flight for the end of May and book two returning flights to Key West for her and Maya, killing two birds with one stone. Spend time with the clan and then she and Maya would spend the summer together. Maya would get the experience as a research assistant at the center. Kara would get some company, the much-needed help at the center, and they would be able to spend the time together that they had emailed about so often.
She collapsed onto the couch with a beer and her notebook, beer spraying the crispy sun bleached pages as she cracked open the can. Today's issue - oh it was a doosie. Plans set already to count, catalog, and otherwise document the continued viability of over 100 marine mammal habitats stretching from Big Pine Key into the Tortugas. And then the call from a friend on the zoning board. Developers planning to level Buccanneer Cay - home to more than a third of those - and build more than a dozen multi-story condos. She ran her hand through her dirty blond hari and sighed. She'd been there before but this time was going to be different. Harder and more challenging - "native" son Thurman Trent was promsing that he'd follow both the written and unwritten laws of the keys. Sure, and monkeys were gonna fly right outta my…….
She snapped the notebook shut. "My brain hurts - and my hands and feet and toes and….Time for bed."
She headed for the shower with happier thoughts on Maya's project.
Kara grunted loudly as she strained to drag the last bin of soaked and baled sea grass into the shed. As she gave the tub a last heave she heard the screen door of the lab slam shut.
"Need some help there Kara?" she heard as she caught a tall figure jog to her side.
"Yeah, about 40 minutes ago would've been nice, Rick! But as usual you are just in time for -"
"Aw ,come on boss! I told you I was gonna be late this morning and you should have waited. Did you do the whole load?"
Her hand still planted firmly on her hip, she smiled and shook her head in mock resignation. "Yep, and if you didn't have so much research instinct I'd fire your butt! But, since I'm old enough to be your mother I should just kick it!"
He leaned down and grabbed her cast off work gloves and chuckled. "Well, I'm sure my mom's given you permission and the good reasons to do it before. Hey, what's this I hear from Captian Les about going to down to secure sites from developing? He muttered something about it when I stopped over at the dock last night to take a water sample."
Kara gathered up the rest of her things and they headed over o the back stoop of the long narrow bungalow building. Weather beaten, untreated and graying, the siding hung on the frame in places by what only appeared a few splinters. But oddly, it didn't look decrepit - it looked just fine for a research lab in the tropical Keys. The trees hung just over the _________ roof, providing the entire back of the building with just the right amount of shade from the hot morning sun.
"Well, Rick, why don't you run in and grab me a giant glass of water and I'll tell ya while I cool off?"
Kara threw her keys down on the counter but not fast enough to keep the slew of mail from fluttering to the floor. She growled with frustration as she crouched down to gather it up. "
"Figures. Just the kind of day its been," as she pushed a clump of her stringy, wind oiled hair behind her ear.
She reached up and pressed play on her answering machine as she picked up the last piece of junk mail.
"Hi Auntie K! Its Maya - just wanted to see if you could help me pick out a subject for a bio paper. Due Friday. Call me. Love you! Buh-Bye!"
That kid. Kara smiled and shook her head. Just hearing her voice turned a a bad day good. She reached for the phone and hit the speed dial.
"Hey Chrissie - yeah, I know, she called and asked already."
"Geez, eleven? I hadn't realized it was so late - well, tell M to give me a call at the center tomorrow and I'll throw a few ideas at her."
"Um - no - I haven't had a chance to look for any cheap flights. But I will - I'll check this weekend maybe. See what's out there for late this month." She crunched the phone between her ear and neck juggling a stack of journals, maps and notebooks making her way to the coffee table.
"I will - I promise."
" I know just how long its been - I've just been so crazy with this new study getting started and now there's - "
"I know how much it would mean to her." She made an exaggerated nod and rolled her eyes as she made her way to the kitchen to check the bleak stock.
"I know but - " as she tore the top off a yogurt she began to scowl. A few bites and a few futile mumbled protests managed but to little avail.
"Okay then, like I said, I'll check and see, but I've gotta go. Give Cal a hug and tell M to call me tomorrow. Okay - love you too."
WOOF! Lately, all conversations with the north seemed to end like that. A mad scramble to avoid further lecturing. God bless family but the strings that yanked from over 600 miles away in western Pennsylvania seemed to be pulling harder - and with a little more viger.
Kara had been in Marathon, heart of the Florida Keys for over ten years and the going had been getting tougher in the family department. When she first made the move here, she had taken the trip north four or five times a year as if they'd been short jaunts to Miami. But these days, she saw her parents once a year at their time share here and that was it. Coordinating research projects at the Marine Mammal Preservation and Research Center was a three person job that knew no holidays and it was being done by one Kara Lynn Knapp. And as for Chrissie, Cal, and Maya - their lives had been busy and vacations closer to home. She thought hard - do I really know just how long its been? Nearly 2 years she'd seen them. She hated that but - it wouldn't be long. She needed to look up that flight for the end of May and book two returning flights to Key West for her and Maya, killing two birds with one stone. Spend time with the clan and then she and Maya would spend the summer together. Maya would get the experience as a research assistant at the center. Kara would get some company, the much-needed help at the center, and they would be able to spend the time together that they had emailed about so often.
She collapsed onto the couch with a beer and her notebook, beer spraying the crispy sun bleached pages as she cracked open the can. Today's issue - oh it was a doosie. Plans set already to count, catalog, and otherwise document the continued viability of over 100 marine mammal habitats stretching from Big Pine Key into the Tortugas. And then the call from a friend on the zoning board. Developers planning to level Buccanneer Cay - home to more than a third of those - and build more than a dozen multi-story condos. She ran her hand through her dirty blond hari and sighed. She'd been there before but this time was going to be different. Harder and more challenging - "native" son Thurman Trent was promsing that he'd follow both the written and unwritten laws of the keys. Sure, and monkeys were gonna fly right outta my…….
She snapped the notebook shut. "My brain hurts - and my hands and feet and toes and….Time for bed."
She headed for the shower with happier thoughts on Maya's project.
Kara grunted loudly as she strained to drag the last bin of soaked and baled sea grass into the shed. As she gave the tub a last heave she heard the screen door of the lab slam shut.
"Need some help there Kara?" she heard as she caught a tall figure jog to her side.
"Yeah, about 40 minutes ago would've been nice, Rick! But as usual you are just in time for -"
"Aw ,come on boss! I told you I was gonna be late this morning and you should have waited. Did you do the whole load?"
Her hand still planted firmly on her hip, she smiled and shook her head in mock resignation. "Yep, and if you didn't have so much research instinct I'd fire your butt! But, since I'm old enough to be your mother I should just kick it!"
He leaned down and grabbed her cast off work gloves and chuckled. "Well, I'm sure my mom's given you permission and the good reasons to do it before. Hey, what's this I hear from Captian Les about going to down to secure sites from developing? He muttered something about it when I stopped over at the dock last night to take a water sample."
Kara gathered up the rest of her things and they headed over o the back stoop of the long narrow bungalow building. Weather beaten, untreated and graying, the siding hung on the frame in places by what only appeared a few splinters. But oddly, it didn't look decrepit - it looked just fine for a research lab in the tropical Keys. The trees hung just over the _________ roof, providing the entire back of the building with just the right amount of shade from the hot morning sun.
"Well, Rick, why don't you run in and grab me a giant glass of water and I'll tell ya while I cool off?"
Blogging before Blog
I was searching through disks from my old computer looking for a picture and I came across some writing I did when Bob and I were in Myrtle Beach right after 9/11/2001. I had JUST been looking at my travel journal on vacation wishing that I had written something and I guess I was just looking in the wrong place. I was well into my Palm Pilot with teaching so I entered them in there and then transferred everything to Word when I returned. It is very interesting to also note that while I was TEACHING writing to my 4th graders, I think I actually became a better writer. Thought I would post - I apologize in advance for the length. The picture below was from Virginia Beach but the effect is the same.... something about the ocean.....
October 12, 2001 - 9:00pm - Well, I could not ask for a better place to relax. The surf is pounding and when I stepped onto the balcony I could see flickering lights out at sea. In those distant shipping channels, life goes on just like my life here on shore goes on. Oh, CNN is still blaring from the room and I know that more scares are likely to crop up tomorrow in this crazy world, but for right now, all that matters is that I am peaceful. My mind is peaceful. And when I walked out here to view my friend the ocean, I desperately wanted to write. The carpet isn't screaming to be swept or the dishwasher whining to be filled or unloaded. The dog isn't sadly looking to be snuggled into his spot next to me on the chair and the TV isn't an escape from the mountains of work that is mandated from that crazy job I have sought. It is just about me. And about Bob and about how we like to spend time together unfettered by our lives. The beer silhouetted on the railing isn't a guilty pleasure that might result in lost work time. It is an almost elegant reminder as it sits there with the ocean as a backdrop. A reminder that I deserve some unnecessary, even frivolous, indulgences. What is it about the ocean that does this to me? Am I truly a closet mermaid who derives some sort of energy from the sea. Does reaching out my hand to it when renew my spirit somehow? In a recent song the words told some of my feelings. “ I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean.....” Maybe this is just my way of humbling myself. Reminding myself that God has a plan for me - but that the world is big and I am small. Sometimes being intense isn't as important as sweetly savoring each moment. The sea reminds me that no matter how many waves crash against that beach, no matter how many shells find their home in the sand, each time it happens and I am witness, it is beautiful and powerful and divine. And it is unknown and mysterious. And so my life and it's hassles and even the fears of the last month, they are small. God makes sure that each wave hits as he has planned. He'll make me into what he wants. And I will be okay. Like the sea and all the power and mystery and beauty, I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Marvelous are your gifts and works, oh, Lord.
October 14, 2001 7:15am - From my perch up here on the third floor, I have just watched the sunrise on another beautiful day at the beach. It is low tide and the foam edges its way up the beach like a child that creeps its way only inches from her mother and finds herself stranded, alone. Could the wind be any more fresh? Could the sun be any brighter and warming? I have strange feelings as I sit here. Part of is joyous that I have been able to put two entries in my Palm and label them "Personal." I spent an hour pampering myself last night, fixing my nails, massaging my feet. But the cares are not gone. I find myself relaxed enough to worry about things I don't usually get time to ... Like the fact that I am just plain old fat and it really has changed my way of life and my feelings about myself. I look into the mirror and I don't loathe myself - it isn't like that. I just don't recognize myself. I know there is a thinner, even beautiful me inside. Right now, I don't like my hair or my face or my body. And then that leads to the next problem. I am fat and don't have any kids yet. And I really shouldn't even consider that until I lose weight. Peeling off those layers of dissatisfaction leads to one of the real concerns. And it isn't that the concern is hidden that deep. It just has been well protected by my psyche underneath that thick layer of practicality. The world is becoming a more and more frightening place. It is slightly more than one month after the World trade Center tragedy and nightmares are unfolding one after another. In the last week, a dozen or so anthrax cases have cropped up in various places throughout the country. Sent to media companies, they have infected many people who go on about their lives much like I do. Paying attention and staying well informed about the latest developments, but separating themselves. I think it will become more and more difficult to do that. If life continues like this, I don't know if I want to get pregnant. Bob stepped out onto the porch as I was finishing up reading one of the books I brought along and said, "I don't know..." When I asked him what he meant, he said that he thinks things are going to get really awful.... He doesn't usually go for the panic. He's watched CNN for nearly a full month now. Oh sure we turn the channel for some things - Buffy, Survivor, or CSI - but it always comes back. I hesitate to admit it but we are trying to keep track so we can hear the latest - maybe the first ones to get the news of another tragedy unfolding in our beloved country. I think we are waiting for the other shoe to drop. Smallpox or plague or another attack. It isn't obvious but it is there. And it has changed our lives. I keep wondering if all I'll ever be is an aunt - because maybe it will be better that way. I think I want to be closer to home in case of a national emergency. Yesterday, Bob refused to drink a pop because the safety seal wasn't in place. two months ago I would have poo-pooed him. Now I was paranoid and a little fearful. And Carrie is scheduled to fly down next weekend and stay with us - I still don't know if she is coming. The FBI issued a warning this week - a vague non-specific warning that other attacks are imminent - in the next few days even. So I guess we will see. I don't know if I would come or not. She only spent a hundred dollars on the ticket. But she is pregnant and will be coming alone and the fear might paralyze me - and I know she is even more intense than I am. So it has changed our lives. Thank you Lord that it hasn't touched us directly - but if Bin Laden or whoever was seeking to change our lives and set fear in our hearts, then I think he has succeeded in ways he could not have even imagined. It's true that our freedoms are being whisked away in a current of panic. UN planes are now to fly over the country - as protection?? This is like a horrible unentertaining movie of the week.
Then I sit back in my chair here in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina and I look at the waves and the endless horizon and I smile. For the second time in two days I see a pod of dolphins tracing the shoreline. Have we complicated our lives too much? Those amazing creatures of the sea remind me that my life has to go on. I still want to enjoy things that I love. Admire things of beauty. And hold close the things that are dear.
October 12, 2001 - 9:00pm - Well, I could not ask for a better place to relax. The surf is pounding and when I stepped onto the balcony I could see flickering lights out at sea. In those distant shipping channels, life goes on just like my life here on shore goes on. Oh, CNN is still blaring from the room and I know that more scares are likely to crop up tomorrow in this crazy world, but for right now, all that matters is that I am peaceful. My mind is peaceful. And when I walked out here to view my friend the ocean, I desperately wanted to write. The carpet isn't screaming to be swept or the dishwasher whining to be filled or unloaded. The dog isn't sadly looking to be snuggled into his spot next to me on the chair and the TV isn't an escape from the mountains of work that is mandated from that crazy job I have sought. It is just about me. And about Bob and about how we like to spend time together unfettered by our lives. The beer silhouetted on the railing isn't a guilty pleasure that might result in lost work time. It is an almost elegant reminder as it sits there with the ocean as a backdrop. A reminder that I deserve some unnecessary, even frivolous, indulgences. What is it about the ocean that does this to me? Am I truly a closet mermaid who derives some sort of energy from the sea. Does reaching out my hand to it when renew my spirit somehow? In a recent song the words told some of my feelings. “ I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean.....” Maybe this is just my way of humbling myself. Reminding myself that God has a plan for me - but that the world is big and I am small. Sometimes being intense isn't as important as sweetly savoring each moment. The sea reminds me that no matter how many waves crash against that beach, no matter how many shells find their home in the sand, each time it happens and I am witness, it is beautiful and powerful and divine. And it is unknown and mysterious. And so my life and it's hassles and even the fears of the last month, they are small. God makes sure that each wave hits as he has planned. He'll make me into what he wants. And I will be okay. Like the sea and all the power and mystery and beauty, I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Marvelous are your gifts and works, oh, Lord.
October 14, 2001 7:15am - From my perch up here on the third floor, I have just watched the sunrise on another beautiful day at the beach. It is low tide and the foam edges its way up the beach like a child that creeps its way only inches from her mother and finds herself stranded, alone. Could the wind be any more fresh? Could the sun be any brighter and warming? I have strange feelings as I sit here. Part of is joyous that I have been able to put two entries in my Palm and label them "Personal." I spent an hour pampering myself last night, fixing my nails, massaging my feet. But the cares are not gone. I find myself relaxed enough to worry about things I don't usually get time to ... Like the fact that I am just plain old fat and it really has changed my way of life and my feelings about myself. I look into the mirror and I don't loathe myself - it isn't like that. I just don't recognize myself. I know there is a thinner, even beautiful me inside. Right now, I don't like my hair or my face or my body. And then that leads to the next problem. I am fat and don't have any kids yet. And I really shouldn't even consider that until I lose weight. Peeling off those layers of dissatisfaction leads to one of the real concerns. And it isn't that the concern is hidden that deep. It just has been well protected by my psyche underneath that thick layer of practicality. The world is becoming a more and more frightening place. It is slightly more than one month after the World trade Center tragedy and nightmares are unfolding one after another. In the last week, a dozen or so anthrax cases have cropped up in various places throughout the country. Sent to media companies, they have infected many people who go on about their lives much like I do. Paying attention and staying well informed about the latest developments, but separating themselves. I think it will become more and more difficult to do that. If life continues like this, I don't know if I want to get pregnant. Bob stepped out onto the porch as I was finishing up reading one of the books I brought along and said, "I don't know..." When I asked him what he meant, he said that he thinks things are going to get really awful.... He doesn't usually go for the panic. He's watched CNN for nearly a full month now. Oh sure we turn the channel for some things - Buffy, Survivor, or CSI - but it always comes back. I hesitate to admit it but we are trying to keep track so we can hear the latest - maybe the first ones to get the news of another tragedy unfolding in our beloved country. I think we are waiting for the other shoe to drop. Smallpox or plague or another attack. It isn't obvious but it is there. And it has changed our lives. I keep wondering if all I'll ever be is an aunt - because maybe it will be better that way. I think I want to be closer to home in case of a national emergency. Yesterday, Bob refused to drink a pop because the safety seal wasn't in place. two months ago I would have poo-pooed him. Now I was paranoid and a little fearful. And Carrie is scheduled to fly down next weekend and stay with us - I still don't know if she is coming. The FBI issued a warning this week - a vague non-specific warning that other attacks are imminent - in the next few days even. So I guess we will see. I don't know if I would come or not. She only spent a hundred dollars on the ticket. But she is pregnant and will be coming alone and the fear might paralyze me - and I know she is even more intense than I am. So it has changed our lives. Thank you Lord that it hasn't touched us directly - but if Bin Laden or whoever was seeking to change our lives and set fear in our hearts, then I think he has succeeded in ways he could not have even imagined. It's true that our freedoms are being whisked away in a current of panic. UN planes are now to fly over the country - as protection?? This is like a horrible unentertaining movie of the week.
Then I sit back in my chair here in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina and I look at the waves and the endless horizon and I smile. For the second time in two days I see a pod of dolphins tracing the shoreline. Have we complicated our lives too much? Those amazing creatures of the sea remind me that my life has to go on. I still want to enjoy things that I love. Admire things of beauty. And hold close the things that are dear.
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