Rumblings in My Soul

I've shared a few things that God has been doing lately. And so I have a record of it, I'm gonna share some more. I don't feel particularly contemplative at the moment but I feel like God is working on some things and I don't want to lose sight of them. So a list rather than a narrative will do just fine :)

- Forgiveness - I wrote a few posts ago about forgiving people in my past. I'll be blunt. This has to do with relationships with men in my past. My lack of forgiving them and myself has created some giant trust issues that I am dragging into my future. God is really working these things out in me. I have to forgive them and I have to forgive myself for not ending things before I lost part of myself.

- Self Image - I can't begin to tell you how big this one has been. I am not the person that I see myself as - not in the good and not in the bad. I need to spend some time gazing at myself through the glasses of Divine perspective and see what I come up with. And I think part of that will be loving some parts much more and other parts cringing over. And then the result - caring WAY less how other people see me.

- Listening - I feel like He might have been nudging me to do Bible study different this time. I was feeling like maybe this wasn't right - not anything with the group or the study but that it was time to look at things differently. But I dug my heels in - stubborn and a little selfish. And WAY less than faithful that God would take care of my spiritual needs. Fortunately, He doesn't run out of mercy. I'll finish out this study making sure I'm listening to His promptings.....

- Spiritual slumpiness - I can't believe I'm admitting this but I'm in a bit of a spiritual rut. I feel guilty even saying it. My life is right off the hanger charmed right now. I'm living my dream singing in a band that plays a concert to Jesus Christ Himself every week.... I'm meeting with Him in His Word each day and even talking with Bob about how He works in my life. But I'm feeling a little distant. A little unmoved. And I love me some strong emotions!!! I feel like I've been watching the movie of how God's moved in Bob's life and somehow find myself settling for something WAY less than the abundance that He promises. I'm sure it has something to do with humbly finding my place in the new world He's placed me in.

I guess there's something inside of me - like when your bones ache before it rains?? - that suspects that something is about to happen. And I wanted to get my feelings into words before the deluge!

Quitting

Wow. Just had to share this. It has been over 5 months since I quit smoking and two and a half since I had one that I hated. It occurred to me that 2009 might be the very first year in probably decades that I have not smoked. And it also hit me that I don't even miss it. It's something I did but never felt like I was..... I never FELT like a smoker. I felt like a non-smoker putting on a show......

Oh and by the way - I've "quit" the caffeine addiction too. Since the beginning of January I've had Diet Pepsi's on special occasions but I'm mostly done with that. Feels good!!

The Office Greenhouse Continued!!

Little more than 2 years ago, Bob and I came home from Hawaii and I was enamored with all things Hawaiian. I had heard once that if you lopped off the green of the pineapple, you could root it in dirt and start a plant of your own. So I did it. I think I tried one by throwing it into a big pot and when it rooted, I was surprised. I THINK this was start number two. Then I did some brief reading. Seems it takes like 3 years to get fruit to grow and the soil needs to have certain minerals, blah, blah, blah. I wasn't going to fuss. I potted it and repotted it and took it to work. I figured as long as it continued to sprout new leaves in the center I was good. Then Monday, I glanced over and WHAT DID MY WONDERING EYES TO SEE!!!! A colorful bloom popping up in the center!!!!!!!!!! I can barely contain myself!! I am so excited!! I am hoping that this blossom turns fruity!!! I'll keep taking care of it the way I was before. Pruning and watering and that's about it. And I'll keep you updated. A pineapple plant in winter. In Pennsylvania. Who'da thunk it??

A Healing Reminder

This week, I had a very nasty cold.

I slept under my desk at lunch on Monday and Tuesday - so that's bad.

Wednesday I gave up and stayed home to rest.

Wednesday night Pastor Tommy asked for any prayer requests for our big day Sunday and I mentioned my cold. I just want to sing my best on Sunday.

Thursday started out yucky.

Lunch was better as my boss suggested some medication that might work.

The afternoon saw marked improvement - I could breathe! Hallelujah!

After work I laid down to rest for a few minutes and wow! When I got up I felt like a million bucks!!

I thought, "Wow! That medicine's amazing."

Until I sat down at the computer and saw Tommy's email back asking how my cold was......

It was prayer not pills that made me feel better......

I love how God works.

Master Cleanse Update

Well, I made it all the way to Day 10!!! It was a very exciting accomplishment for me. During that time, I think God was working out some cleansing from the inside too as my earlier posts on forgiveness might have indicated. I know that it will be an ongoing effort but that was one of the clearest benefits from the cleanse. I am back to eating regular food and have decided how I will be changing my eating habits for the future as well. Unfortunately, I developed an ugly head cold on Sunday (the first day off the cleanse) and will need to wait to start my exercise program until my head is weighing slightly less than 10 tons..... I lost some weight while on it but I think I would be willing to do it regularly just for the energy boost that I got. Besides, what else will I do with all that syrup!!!!!! :)

City of Champions!

Today the city of Pittsburgh celebrates the 6th Super Bowl win of the beloved Pittsburgh Steelers with a parade where hundreds of thousands will spill into the street to cheer. We had a blast watching the game on Sunday and we are so proud of being part of the Steelers Nation. I don't know what it is - maybe being part of something bigger than we are. Going outside and yelling on Sunday night was greeted with yells back from neighbors in every direction, fireworks and general celebration. Work found last week and this filled with common conversations of pride for our Steelers.

I guess that's what I love so much about Iron City Church too. Being part of a bigger plan than our own. God's plan. God's purpose for His people here. People driven by the love of Jesus and committed to obeying His instructions. The humility of being a cog in a wheel that is making tracks - slower than we'd like but making tracks that have eternal consequences. It feels good. It feels right. Oh - sometimes it feels hard too but then, I guess that's been a life lesson - hard is usually good stuff.

Sunday is a big day for Iron City Church. Be praying for God to make some things happen!

Master Cleanse

I am on Day 5 of the Master Cleanse. Over a month ago I wanted to go back to the gym and work on walking a 5k with my family in the spring. And my feet hurt so bad that I couldn't continue. And of course, the holidays didn't help either.

So January came around and I wanted to do something. I wanted to wipe my slate clean. Make food less important than it was and spend some time with God cleaning up my inside and my outside. Bob and I did the GNC 7 day body detox thing and that wasn't enough for me. I wanted something that was going to help me deal with some of the behaviors that make me want to eat.

And I found the Master Cleanse. Around for 30 years. Lots of people have done it. I wanted to try it. And here I sit on Day 5 having only had detox lemonade (lemons, cayenne, and maple syrup) for 5 days with 5 days remaining. Today has probably been the worst day yet for physical discomfort. I had the weirdest experience with this muscular type throbbing in my left leg that over 2-3 hours worked its way from my calf to my butt. It's gone now. Darnedest thing. I'm inclined to think something is working its way out of my system but I'll reserve judgment until I see how tomorrow goes.....

And oddly enough, I seem to be purging some areas that have been clogging me up emotionally too..... God works in amazing ways. If you think of it, pray that He gives me some direction on where to take things once this detox is over.....

Forgiveness - Part 2

Sometimes you get reinforcement and sometimes you get REINFORCEMENT!!! Today I heard two teachers refer to the forgiveness issue that God is working on with me. The first suggested that I make a point of recalling what I did wrong in the circumstance and then the things about them that I should honor. Let me tell you, I did plenty wrong. Maybe that's one of the reasons that God is working on me about this. Never at any point with this person did I create boundaries. The confidence I had about myself was not God-centered so it was so substance-less. I didn't value myself and it showed. I made wrong choices that showed how little I valued myself and I certainly wasn't acting like a child of God. So exactly why am I suprised that this person treated me in the same way that I treated myself? Um. I don't know. I don't think I've ever thought about it that way. I don't think it started out that way. But perhaps this was one of a long line of times when God was trying to get me to see that following Him may be optional but certainly not if you want an abundant and full life - a life full of joy - not sadness and disappointment.

Which leads me to the comments of the other teacher who asked - what is your statement of need? Jesus water to wine miracle told of his mother stating a need. Mine is I am out of forgiveness. I just didn't know how to forgive this person. But then my teacher asked - what are you full of? And it was bitterness. She described not exactly being overwhelmed by it, but when ANYTHING brought it to mind, bitterness or anger would spill out. And that is EXACTLY what I felt. I don't think about it all the time but when reminded of this person, I just couldn't be happy for them. I felt entitled to an apology. Jesus Christ is able to turn my bitterness for this person into love. And I know He can do it. It's happening already.

I have some apologizing to do to that person too. I'm sorry for blaming them for all the bad that happened.

Forgiveness

There have been some moments in my life where I have felt very pressed to forgive. The Holy Spirit has picked me up by my collar and dragged me to some issues that I didn't really want to deal with. Now is one such time. This is a long ago scar that seems to be throbbing a bit right now and I keep feeling like I need to forgive this person for the betrayal - betrayal which in fact impacts even forgiveness with people in my life right now. I'll be praying about how I'm supposed to do this. That part isn't so clear. My life has moved on since that time and there will never be a time nor will it ever be appropriate for me to tell this person that I'm sorry for the part I played and that I forgive them too..... I want to be able to say it. But part of me is still holding onto the need to hear an I'm sorry from them. I have to let it go. It bothers me more than it should and I know that God is the only one who can help. It wouldn't make sense to anyone else.......

Uh-oh, I've been bad

I simply cannot believe that it's been over a month since I blogged. I love blogging. I think it's the bee's knees. God has been hard at work in my life so it's not for lack of material. I've had ups and downs and joys and struggles. So I don't know. Except for one thing. I discovered this new obsession lately. Facebook. And I think I'm addicted. Except I don't like what it does to my head. So yesterday when my calendar of prayers for women popped up, here's what it said:

Help me invest my time more worthy pursuits, Lord, ones that will provide lasting satisfaction. I'm not sure what you will ask of me, but I am willing to try anything You recommend and give any resulting praise to You. Amen.

Amen, again. I'm back. This is worthy. I can't tell you how many things I've discovered over the years while writing/typing. Journaling is a fantastic thing and has deep spiritual value. So here I come. Back, I am. Oh, don't worry Facebook friends. I'll still be on there checking every so often. Just not making it my homebase. I have bigger and better things to focus on :)